All-out Giant Robot Attack!!

Oh yeah

2009-06-17T00:25:00.001-04:00

Oh yeah, I wanted to mention the whole Twitter thing. Yeah, I have a twitter. You’re probably here from Facebook, so you’ve got it. If not, mention in a comment and I’ll throw it out there.
I want to be down with Twitter. So hard. But I just don’t feel important enough to deal with it. I got TweetDeck, had my shit up, was reading it, but I found myself reading more than I posted. And then I figured: “Who gives a fuck when I toast a bagel? Are any of my friends sitting around wondering what I’m doing at 1:17pm EST???”
I like my friends, but no, they are not doing that. No more than I am them. Sorry Anna, I just figure it’s work. Like I’m sure you figure it’s either ignoring the Peanut, video games, and/or masturbating. Answer: ignoring the Peanut. Gross.
With all that said, I am saying I will keep my Twitter, my primary usage will be for a few newsfeeds, and JK Broadrick’s info. I will not be deleting anyone, cos I’ll still read it, I’m just saying that I don’t see much of a purpose of me posting the entirety of my life at 140 characters a time. Fucking Ashton Kutcher does that.

Also: Netflix, if you’re reading, sending me the US Theatrical Cut of ‘Dawn of the Dead’??? Fucking mad gay.

Boo-yah shakka!

2009-06-17T00:11:00.001-04:00

I was about to say how I spelled that wrong, but last I checked there’s no proper way to spell it. So eat it.
So we all know, the proper set up for this is font Times, size 10. For further reference. So I know how to format this bitch.

So yes, it’s been some month and some dates since I last did something, and I was all, “Meeeeeaaah, got Windows Live and I can just load a program and blog from that, so I’ll do it a whole bunch now!!! Yeah, and you can all come on and revel in the endlessly cynical racist bullshit that comes out of my brain!!!”
And to you, the reader, all I can say is: my bad. Seriously. My. Bad.

I think the problem is that my blog output increases the more dissatisfied and unhappy I am with my life. And to be honest with you, despite all the lame shit that is going on right now, or all the awesome shit that isn’t happening right now, the honest truth is that I’m pretty goddamn happy with my life. I’m in a really good place right now, a place that five years ago I wouldn’t have seen myself in due to my own general emotional retardation. And this weird self-destructive component that seems to be part of every American male, be it dormant or dominant.
So while there is still plenty of fucked up filth on the internet for me to comment and make fun of, the problem is that I can’t really look at it, cos my kid is around. And no one wants to be the guy that is doing blog research about “fisting” while his kid hugs his leg. And if there is someone that’s totally cool with that, I’m not. So I guess until I get a job that gives me unfettered ‘Net access, this is what you’re going to get for awhile. Suck it down!

Things that I ~~am currently digging~~ want to talk about how much I love:
1. Netflix over XBox Live- This shit is so fucking sweet. I’ve just been slurping down ‘Heroes’ S. 1 like it’s going out of style, and I’m so jazzed for that. It’s DVD quality, it’s right there, and you can get as much of it as you can stomach. Which, if you’re me, is a whole fucking bunch. I mean, we’re talking hours. What? Mother-in-Law is here, and she is going crazy about that baby. I seriously almost feel bad if I get in that babies way. And Anna, since you are going to read this, it is not a joke. No sarcasm involved. I don’t even want to touch that baby in front of your mother, for fear that I am depriving her of a chance to hold her.
How any of this has to deal with Netflix is beyond me. But I digress.
It’s great, you can watch a bunch of movies through your XBox on a TV as opposed to a 15” laptop screen. It’s great.

2. My Bloody Valentine’s ‘Feed Me With Your Kiss’.

3. Star Trek- Not “Star Trek” as a whole, but the most recent movie. Don’t get me wrong, Star Trek is fucking awesome, save ‘Insurrection’ and the first two seasons of ‘Enterprise’. But overall, come on. Realistic(sort of) space travel??? Awesome. And yeah, I’m totally pumped about the new Star Trek MMO. But the most recent movie??? Nailed it. Seriously. Did everyone do all the same goofy shit as the ‘60’s? No. But that’s now what Star Trek is. Star Trek is exciting shit happening, nailing bitches, and blowing shit up. So it’s like, 1/3 of the Navy today. For most people. Which makes sense, cos they follow the whole Navy system of doing shit(rank, bunking, amount of decent bitches). But yeah, awesome.
And for all those douchers saying, “Eeeeah, the Enterprise looks like the Apple Store!!” FUCK YOU. It’s the fucking future, dick breath. What’s it going to look like, Sharper Image??? Fuck you! The future is shiny, it is clean lines, and it is white backgrounds under an inch or two of lucite.
And Apple is the fucking future, dickwad. iPod, iPhone, iMac…eNterprise??

4. Fallout 3. Until I beat it. In like, 30-something hours. Never used a mini-nuke. Trying to find a reason to re-play it.

5. Zombies. Because they’re dead, and yet they hunger for human flesh. And it’s the closest I’ll ever come to being able to murder hundreds upon thousands of people. With a fucking chainsaw.

AND THAT’S AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!

Fear is not the only mindkiller

2009-05-08T14:34:00.001-04:00

So it’s starting to get annoying, cos I’m getting to the point where the National Guard is shaping up to be the only real opportunity. And I am not a military dude. Not that I couldn’t physically do it, but those of you out there that know me know I am not one of those people that deals well with what people like to call “authority”. I can do what I’m told, but I have a tendency to dwell and simmer on slights, perceived or otherwise. Also: no huge desire to spend massive amounts of time away from my family. And they’ll make me cut my hair. And so on, and so on, and so on….
Wasn’t Obama supposed to fix all this shit? Where are the jobs, raining down forth from the heavens, showering us all with their bountiful pay?? I look up, don’t see shit.
I was actually excited about this, at one point. Staying home with the kid, guiding her, shaping her, making her hate as I do. Now it’s just…meh. Don’t get me wrong, still enjoy the time with the baby, but it’s the not getting out of the house, it’s the not interacting with people, it’s the not having any money to get shitfaced on the weekends with.

Bah. I’m done with this. This is not a melodrama blog. This is a funny blog. To prove that, here is a picture of a robot masturbating.

Okay, that didn’t happen. But if you Google Image Search “robot masturbating”, you’ll find an entirely new subsect of porn that I am disturbed to know exists.

It’s about magic

2009-04-07T10:03:00.001-04:00

Part of the reason that I didn’t post as much as I did is that it was a pain. Yes, I am that lazy. Actually, it was more about consistency on my part: if the text size doesn’t match from entry to entry, I get angry, cos the flow of it is all fucked up.

So I went and installed the Windows7 beta and got all hopped up on this Windows Live thing, which just happens to include this Windows Live Writer, which allows me to connect to the blog and more tightly control the text size. I know that Blogspot allows this, too, but for whatever reason it was always a pain in the ass for me. Primarily because I have been known to indulge in weed, and that makes it hard for me to remember things like, “Did I use Small text or Smaller?” and “Where did I leave the baby?”.

Which reminds me.

I have another blog, too, which I set up cos Andrea thought it would be fun for you all to read about how much I hate my child due to her screaming for hours on end, and the fact that I constantly have to make sure she isn’t headed for Head Trauma Central. I sort of thought that I should as well, because I have a daughter now, and I feel weird when I write about the cute shit that she does(OMG she has teefus!!!1; OMG she’s standing on her own!!!1) being part of the same blog(not necessarily the same post) that I write about my excessive hatred for Miley Cyrus and how I hope that some day she is found in a ditch somewhere, raped to the point of catatonia.

I know, some of you are shocked. “I have a daughter now,” you are saying to your screen, which is weird because I can not hear you. “What if that happens to her?!?!” I realize this, and it’s something that I have rationalized away by knowing that I am a horrible asshole, and that bad things are going to happen to me, not her. And let’s face it, if that shit was going to happen, she would have been born a horrific tumor of flesh and mewling, because I have said and done some shit in my day.

So yeah, I have a stay at home dad blog, it just won’t be updated much(well, you’re used to that), cos I doubt that most of you want to read about how I ignore her and look at girls boobies online, how I feed her mush while trying to watch shitty movies, and how I ignore her and play XBox. That shit is boring.

Also: I don’t know if any of you have read Tucker Max, but a good 90% of his stories are pretty hilarious. As Ryan has brought up, there is some questionable validity to his writing, but that’s besides the point. Funny is funny. If placed in a context of actually happening, it’s fucking hilarious. Where I’m going with this, is I have done some awful shit in my day. It just happens to be funny, because it was done to random anonymous people that went to Bowdoin College, so you know they’re rich trust fund fuckers, and those people rank one step above sex offenders. Which means you can do anything you want to them, and it’s not bad. Let me know if you want to read some of them.

Been awhile

2009-04-06T13:48:00.001-04:00

Sorry I haven’t been around. I wish I could say that I’ve been doing something awesome, like secretly tainting blood supplies in predominantly homosexual communities with AIDS, but I haven’t and that’s just wrong. Mostly I’ve been sitting at home, watching shitty daytime television and keeping the child from sticking whatever metal implement I’m letting her play with at the moment in whatever outlet she happens to be around. Because first and foremost, I am a good father.

So anyway, it’s April, which means that we are once again free from the oppressive winter overlord. We moved into a new apartment, as those of you that are here from Facebook already know, and it is good. Being above ground is sweet, especially after having spent an entire year in a basement. Security is cool at first, but then you realize like that “windows” aren’t just because teenagers need something to throw rocks at. Them shits is important.

Unless it’s fucking 6:30am and your house faces eastward. Then you crave the cold clammy basement. I’m seriously thinking of tin-foiling the fuck out of these windows. Let the neighbors think I’m crazy, it’ll keep the fuckers away from the car.

I know, I sound like a bitch. “You wanted these precious windows, you asshole,” you say to me in my head. “You wanted to get above ground like a real person, and see what the fuss is about.”
”Yes, this is true,” I reply back to you, also in my head. “But as a person, I reserve the right to bitch and complain and reverse my decision all the fucking time. It’s called being an American, and I fucking rule at it. Now get out of my head.”.

But other than that, the moving thing, I’ve got nothing to really tell you all about. Yes, we’ve all seen ‘Watchmen’ and know how fucking good it was." Yes, we all know that Alan Moore is officially a pissy old dude with a creepy beard and tells people he’s into magic and shit(really Alan?? In the 21st century???). Yes, I’m going to sit here and tell you that I’m going to work harder at updating this, not that it matters; the three of you that probably read this are long gone, bound for finer pastures. But honestly, I will. I have a new program that lets me do this shit without even logging into the blog. And I fucking love technology that makes it easier, almost rewarding you, for being lazy. Now if' you’ll excuse me, I have some creepy anime to watch. I’ll talk to you about it later.

Goddamn you, internet

2008-12-30T09:26:00.003-05:00

At what point did the Internet become legitamate?
Seriously, at what point did people start using the Internet as a way to prove the validity of something. The Internet, as far as I'm concerned, is best used for the following three things, in this order: Keeping touch with people that are far away, thus alleviating the need for phone calls; reading about video games/comics/movies that are coming out and keeping up with the snarky, "I could do better than this on my worst day" comments/message boards that go along with them; and to watch a 10min movie of two chicks banging each other. That's it.
Now all of the sudden(READ: as of the past five years....I'm slow), people are sourcing Wikipedia for papers, both high school and college, people are talking on television about how awesome their band is based on how many plays it gets on MySpace, and a celebrity will determine how awesome she is based on how many people look for them topless on Google.

I got something to tell you. The best part of the Internet is that any random asshole can contribute to it. Back in the day, knowledge was exclusive. Only a certain group of people could band together and decide, "Okay, this part about how to plant food is totally worth remembering. That part about the goats shitting blood, we can collectively forget that as a society. It does nothing for us."
BUT NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!
That little club of deciding shit, that little group of fuckers that get to pick and choose what we get to pass down through generations, those old white men who decide that Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with....no longer do they alone get to decide what we know. Now we will never forget that some dude stuck a glass vase up his ass and that shit broke. Now we'll know, FOREVER, the best way to put two hands inside someone is also referred to as "the bellows". And we'll also know that Obama was actually born in Kenya from a alien Muslim robot. So seriously, making him President is paramount to suicide, America. I hope you're happy.

However, the fact that anyone can add to the Internet is also the worst part about it. Sure, some of the porn has been weeded out, but like that above link shows, a lot moe fucked up shit has taken its place. I never saw girls eating shitting real poo into a real glass, then eating fake poo out of said real glass when I was connecting at 14.4. Sure, I saw some vadge, but it wasn't moving. And there sure as shit wasn't a serious chance for possible injury. Like internal bleeding and shit. Jesus.
But then the technology to transfer those creepy weird tapes you made while on that mescaline bender got all cheap, and a friend of yours decided that you know what? That shit was funny. And you still owed him $50. So that shit was going online. And now everyone gets to see how you bleed out of your ass.

My point is that you fucking retards should stop acting like the Internet is some vast depository of knowledge. It is, but it's the vast depository of knowledge that's hidden under tons of garbage, rotting meat, and the occasional video of a man mutilating his back door. The literal diamond in a turd.

Someone needs to talk to these kids

2008-12-23T15:26:00.006-05:00

Livebait [lahyv beyt]- The act of saying racist or homophobic things that do not necessarily reflect your view or beliefs to whip the teenage fuckheads that inhabit XBox Live into such a fury that they are incapable of forming a coherent insult, falling back on a series of 'faggot', 'homo' and other homosexually related insults, and/or stuttering. See also: Flamebait

So last night, I was playing 'Grand Theft Auto IV' on Live with Sean, and I'd almost forgotten about the fact that more retarded teenagers inhabit Live than actual normal human beings. Last time I was on Live, I was told that I'd played Halo 3, "...like a nigger"; I'm sure that had it been a game of Madden, that would have been a compliment. However, as black people are much less suited for futuristic guerrilla warfare than white people, this is not a compliment, and more of a put-down. I also heard the word "homo" bandied about quite a bit, which confused me. I thought that in the future, when confronted with an external enemy that wished for our destruction, we would put aside trivial matters such as ass fucking, scissoring, and even docking. Apparently not. Apparently even in the 26th century, if you are a dude and put a penis in your mouth, you are not a valued member of society or the military.
Anyway, getting to the point of this entry, we were jamming out on Live, Sean and I, and we were just riding around in cars, shooting and running down pedestrians for our own amusement. It was Free Mode, which encourages these things. At no point did we attempt to engage anyone else, and for the most part we were on our own private chat line, talking about shit we hated and cartoons, etc. At some point, we decided to get a bunch of people in a bus with a shitload of ammo and just drive around, totally fucking shit up. It seemed like a great plan, and there were a few people that were down with it.
But then we found the kids that weren't.

I know they were kids cos one of them was still looking at a good five years before his balls dropped, and the other thought that the worst insult one could level at another was "faggot". Adults know that there are far worse things you can say, things such as "Mexican" or "Republican". But hey, they'll figure it out, they're young. Either way, I forget what started it- oh wait, no I don't. In order to get the little fuckers pissed, Sean did what I'd like to call 'Live Baiting'. One of the boys was obvious a dark skinned fellow, so Sean dropped the 'nigger' card, and boy, did it hop off from there.
Using everything that he'd learned from whatever hip-hop musician is popular right now, he proceeded to let us know that we were obviously faggots, as only gay people use racial slurs. That hurts my feelings, I use shitloads of them, and to the best of my, my wife's, my child, and my penis' knowledge, I'm not gay. My balls have not returned any phonecalls, but they've been known to drink, so I'm sure they're still asleep. I'm okay with being called a faggot; I'm used to it, I went to public school and I wasn't a popular kid. I heard it a lot. And it was my brother's favorite insult as well. Well, second if you don't count homo as the same word.
But someone needs to tell these kids what and what does not constitute being a homo. Someone should sit them down and explain that if you refer to someone as a, "sweet faggot", that's not so much an insult on your part, but sort of a compliment...if you are gay. During the hey-day of the KKK, do you think that the Klan would sit around and figure out which sweet nigger's yard they wanted to go burn a cross in? Do you think the Nazi's would have arguements over which sweet kike they wanted to gas first? I'm guessing that they didn't, they probably used another word, something like "goddamn" or "fucking". You generally don't use sweet as an adjective if you are speaking derogatorily about something. Generally. Not that I'm some sort of linguist(except the cunning kind...GET IT?!?!?!?!?!), or anything like that, but it just seems like it makes sense. When someone asks you how you're doing, you don't say, "I'd be better, if I didn't have this sweet brain cancer". That's generally how things work, right?
Also- we should explain to the youth exactly what does and does not constitute homosexual behavior. One of the little whippersnappers had expressed a desire for me to come over to his house and suck his dick. I explained to the lad that this constituted the very homosexual behavior that he was chiding me for engaging in. He said that it didn't. If another man sucks your dick, that doesn't make you gay. And I'd sort of be inclined to agree with him, depending upon how good your imagination was. However, if you want another man to suck your dick, then that would make you and the man sucking your dick gay. I mean, think about it. If your desire is for someone of the same sex to pleasure you orally, then you are gay. If you are a woman and want another woman to insert both of her hands up to the elbows in your vagina, you're gay. If you're a man and you want another man to thrust a two-liter bottle sized dildo into your ass and perforate your colon, you're gay.

I don't want anyone here to think that I have anything against gay people. I don't. I just want the future of our country to know how to properly use someone's sexual orientation as an insult. I want these kids to do this shit right. If you're going to make fun of the person driving over your digital corpse for engaging in filthy, decadent, lubed up homo sex, make sure that you yourself do not put yourself in the position of appearing to enjoy the same behavior. That's just not how you insult someone. I'm not going to go to a sex club, stand up and point at the performers, and yell, "Oh my god, that's fucking disgusting!!! How can you put your penis in her vagina!! That shit is sick!!!" It lacks impact. You cannot be guilty of the same behavior that you are ridiculing. It damages your credibility. And when you're 15 years old, you really don't have much credibility in the first place.

Top 10 Favorite Games of All Time

2008-12-15T00:53:00.003-05:00

So I'm watching Resident Evil: Regeneration, which is not part of the shitty Milla Jovovich series, but a CGI series that is part of the game cannon. And it got me thinking about how two of my fave games are ResEvil. And then I got to thinking further, "Dude, you should talk about your top ten favorite games". I do this so you can either laugh at my nerdiness or agree with me. Disagreement is punished with scorn and ridicule. This is no particular order. And yes, I realize some of these are multi-platform, but for this entry I am giving the console on which I played the game the most.

10. Sonic The Hedgehog 3(Genesis)
This, for me, was the peak of 2D Sonic radness. Between the awesome Chaos Emerald bonus stages, to the sweet, sweet level design, there was nothing that wasn't great about this game. Not only that, but it was from the 16-bit era, which means that games had to be fun, otherwise they wouldn't get played. Graphics increases have made a lot of things awesome, but they haven't done anything for the fun. Now, a game can just look pretty, and it will sell. See Final Fantasy's continued existence on the non-handheld consoles.

9. Ninja Gaiden(XBox)
This game took up so much of my life, it's insane. I literally played it for about 4 mos. straight. Not like, 8hrs a day or nothing, but it was 4hrs here, 4 there. What can I say about this game? Deep combat system, awesome story, almost-RPG elements.....you're a fucking ninja. Yeah, this game has everything. The shitty camera system can sooooooooo be overlooked, just because the game itself is so great. Honestly, I felt more of an accomplishment beating this game than I did graduating high school. FACT.

8. Resident Evil 2(PlayStation)
Fucking zombies. How can you beat that shit, man? The first Resident Evil I played the holy hell out of. Once, I rented a PlayStation from Home Vision Video and since I didn't have a Memcard, I just left the thing on the whole weekend, so I wouldn't lose my progress. The game was that important to me. Imagine my excitement when a cousin let me use his PlayStation while he was doing something, and the only game he had was Resident Evil 2. I stayed up until 4am sometimes playing this game. I still, to this day, love this fucking game and would buy a PlayStation just to play it.

7. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic(XBox)
The only thing I can really say about how good this game is: George Lucas should have let BioWare write the prequels. Yeah. I said it.

6. Sonic Adventure(Dreamcast)
Hands down, THE BEST SONIC GAME EVAR. I have never felt such a sense of speed from any game I have ever played. This game is one of two reasons to get a Dreamcast if you have about $40. Seriously, even though you had to play as Big The Cat, whose fishing game totally sucked balls, the Sonic levels were just sheer brilliance. If Sega wants to make an awesome Sonic game, which they haven't since Sonic Adventure 2, they need to get everyone that worked on this game and tell them to do exactly the same fucking thing they did in 1999.

5. Marvel vs. Capcom 2(Dreamcast)
Three on three fighting. 56 playable characters from Marvel and Capcom's universe. 2D fighting. I once won a match in 12 seconds flat. This game was made for the ADD generation. And oh yeah, two different versions of Wolverine.

4. Wip3out 3(PlayStation)
Wip3out has always been my favorite racing series. As far as I'm concerned, it's the only reason to get a PlayStation. 3 was the highwater mark of the series. They weren't dicking around with all the upgrade shit, the tracks were out of control, and one time I took a bunch of mescaline and played the game. I got stuck in it. It was fucking amazing.

3. Resident Evil 4(Gamecube)
How do you make a series better? You do what Capcom did with Resident Evil 4. Sure, there's no zombies, but I beat the game in 5 days, I played it so much.

2. Grand Theft Auto IV(XBox 360)
The other day, I spent about a half hour just watching TV in the game. I didn't accomplish anything, I didn't whack anybody , I just sat in my [digital]apartment and watched TV. And I didn't feel like I was wasting time. Just like real life. This game, and yes it does have faults(*cough*textureandobjectpopup*), is one of the most engrossing games ever released. Rockstar has actually created a living, breating world. And the radio stations are the best yet.

1. Buck Rodgers: Countdown to Doomsday(Genesis)
I don't know what it is about this game, but I spent soooooooooooooooo much money renting this from Sounds Easy Video. And I spent even more time playing it. And entire Summer vacation was wasted on this game. Whenever I download Gensis ROM's, this is the first game I look for. Turn-based strategy RPG based in some weird goofy Buck Rogers universe I don't recognize. RAM? Terrines?? NEO??? Apparently all this shit is based on some Buck Rogers XXVC role-playing pen and paper game, but I never got into it. I just know that Martian Needle Guns are the shit.

There's a ton more that I'm sure should be on here. Mass Effect was sick. Star Wars: KOTOR 2 was great. Fucking Final Fantasy Tactics. Chronotrigger. It goes on. Let me know what your list is.

Holiday-themed racism

2008-12-03T16:16:00.004-05:00

Hola.
I was over at joystiq.com, which alongside kotaku.com, is one of two sites that I read on a regular basis to look at all the stuff I can't really afford, but would love to have. And I guess Microsoft got together with some other Hispanic-related survey polling company or whatever, and they determined that the Xbox 360 is the perfect gift for a Hispanic family. Which is funny, cos I would have figured that the Taco-Mania Playset or Juanny Print-Your-Own-Greencard would have been the one thing that Hispanic families would want. Turns out that living in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood does not make you more sensitive to their needs. Here's the survey! And here's me mocking it ruthlessly and with incredibly shallow racism!

Some of the key findings include:

-- More Hispanics want a gift that brings their family together (89% vs. 64% of general population)

My take: Yeah, I bet they want a gift that brings the family together. And nothing brings a family closer together than an Xbox 360. My, I remember how close my family came together when we got our Sega Genesis. I spent a shit ton of time using the box to ignore the fuck out of my parents, who in all honesty were never really that into playing boardgames with us once I got past age NEVER; the other time I was trying to figure out ways to scam my brother out of his turn.

-- More Hispanics are looking for gifts that people can enjoy throughout the year (95% vs. 85% of general population)

My take: Are they saying that Black people are looking for gifts that they can only enjoy when they are out in the exercise yard? That's what they mean by general population, right?

-- More Hispanics are looking for affordable ways to entertain their family over the holidays (85% vs. 81% of general population)

My take: Running into the living room and screaming ICE!! ICE!! is totally free.

-- Many more Hispanics would rather buy one gift for their whole family than spend money on lots of individual gifts (83 % vs. 52% of general population)

My take: Mexicans are fucking cheap. The statistics totally reinforce this shit.

I don't know if it's cos White people are dicks or if it's just me, but whenever my parents would get both me and my brother a gift, I felt slighted. Sure, it's cos he was five years younger than me and when you're 15 getting action figures as opposed to a stereo, you feel like maybe you did something wrong.
And seriously, the family that plays together is more likely to punch each other in the fucking face. About 50% of the fights me and my brother got in were somehow related to that fucking Sega Genesis. And I have a 360, so I can tell you for certain that it doesn't exude any sort of mood altering pheromone to make getting your ass handed to you in Madden any easier to take.
And I do like how they say, "HALF OF HISPANICS PLAN TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES THIS SEASON". Shit, 100% of the people I know plan on playing video games this season. Fuck, 75% of the people I know plan on playing video games in one hour. That's not really a good statistic. It's like saying that 95% of all Black people are going to listen to hip-hop tonight while they straight roll a blunt, yo. Is that really something you need to make a press-release for? No.
Also, "BEING ENTERTAINED AT HOME IS CRUCIAL FAMILY HAPPINESS". I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, I can sort of see how it makes sense. If the Menendez boys had more to do at the house, outside of firearm appreciation, then the parents would probably still be alive today. But I don't think that you need to be entertained at home for the family to be happy. I could drink anywhere, really, and still be happy. I just like to do it at home, cos when I take my pants off, the police don't show up.

In other news, does anyone know when Frank Miller became a fucking maniac? I mean, dude wrote 'Sin City', '300', did a fucking killer run on 'Daredevil' that pretty much defined the character, did 'The Dark Knight Returns' and 'Batman: Year One', and also penciled the 'Wolverine' solo that defined that character. So you'd think with those sorts of laurels, the dude would pretty much be the go-to guy for DC's 'All-Star Batman and Robin', right??
No. Absolutely not. The comic is fucking out of control. Either Frank Miller has suffered some sort of head injury, or he just stopped taking his meds somewhere around 1993 and we never noticed. I know, I know, if you're into this sort of thing you already know about this.
I'm talking about the goddamned Batman.

This is not a joke.

I'm not kidding. It seems like every other minute, Batman is talking about the "...goddamned Batmobile" or the "goddamned Batcomputer" or something that he feels the need to let us know has been damned by god. Also, this Batman is fucking crazy.
I'm sure you're probably saying, "No shit. He dresses up like a bat to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. He hangs out with a little kid all the time. In a fucking cave!!!" No, I mean legitamately insane.

I told you.

Seriously. He's dropping out of the fucking sky laughing like a goddamned psycho. What the fuck happened, Frank Miller? Did you just realize that, "Oh, Batman is nothing more than a delayed adolescent fantasy gone wrong"?? We've all known this for years. He dresses up like a bat and shoots people with boomerangs and shit. To fight crime.

Wait...what?

Don't get me wrong- It's a great read. Because it's so fucking hilarious. Otherwise, it's fucking awful. It's just one more reason why I don't really read DC. Very few and far between do they have anyone that knows what they're doing with the characters. It's like they hire people and just let them do whatever. "Oh yeah, I know they've been acting this way for fucking ever, but you just do whatever you want with them. Ignore previous conventions as opposed to characterization. No one is going to read this shit in 15 years, anyway."

So stop giving him shit, already. Goddamn.

So I'm not working anymore, doing the Mr. Mom thing, only without all those kids and the creepy older chick trying to get into my pants. So you can bet there'll be more of this shit, cos I have plenty of time on my hands to goof around on the intertubes and read fucked up shit.
You're all doomed.

Stop- parental time!

2008-11-14T21:39:00.002-05:00

I guess that right about the time you start going out in public with your child is when random fucking strangers can come up to you and start talking to you about how fucking awesome it is to be a parent. Yeah dude, you're right. I finally know how totally awesome it is to accidentally touch feces on a daily basis. And there's nothing better in life than holding your baby girl, looking right in her eyes and seeing that beautiful smile, and then watching her totally vomit everything she's eaten 20mins previous all over your goddamned lap.

I tell you what, I didn't feel whole until my child started using me as her personal toilet. I didn't feel the urge to go up to random dudes and start talking to them like we're super old friends and go on and on about how fucking sweet kids are. I hate the fact that my having a child is the equivalent of a sign that says, "TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CHILD". And I especially hate it when they're all, "You know what I'm talking about, you have a daughter, too." And I'm all, "No dude, I don't know what you're talking about. Your child is black and mine is white, which puts them at radically different socio-economic ends of the ladder. Your child is probably going to be on some sort of welfare, and have about six or seven different kids...most likely with different dudes. My child is probably going to some borderline lesbian liberal arts school, where she'll kiss a few girls, maybe let one fingerbang her, and then decide that she likes dudes, anyway. She'll marry some bonehead that I hate and will have to pretend to like every holiday, even though he's probably going to like Budweiser and think that Dane Cook is the apex of comedy.
Or she'll end up in a trailer park somewhere. Who knows? As long as she doesn't end up on the pole, I could give a fuck. But the point of this whole story is she'll have options.

Awright, all racism aside, I want to tell you all about a little movie that I picked up the other day for like, .99. Yeah. So you know it's fucking good, right? It's called Hard Rock Zombies. Okay, now you know it's fucking awesome. Don't believe me? Check out the fucking cover, I can wait. Yeah, you see that? Did you check that fuckers' moustache? And his lion's mane of hair? Okay, the movie is seriously half as awesome as that cover.
And dig this: the movie is about a really shitty, and I use this term very, very loosely, metal band, that goes to this town despite being told by some random chick that they'll die. Cos apparently, when you need to rock, there are no warnings that will keep you away. Ask Ronnie Van Zant, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and Randy Rhodes. Don't ask Buddy Holly or the Big Bopper, though. They don't know fucking anything.
Anyway, they go to this town to rock, and after a really, really gay dance sort of video thing, they get killed. Like the chick told them they would. And it turns out that the dude that's behind all of this, this whole evil plot of taking over some shitty little town somewhere with a bunch of weirdo freaks IS NONE OTHER THAN FUCKING ADOLPH FUCKING HITLER.
I am not making this up. It's actually Hitler behind all of this. And I'm talking some dude saying he's Hitler, I'm talking full Nazi uniform with the Seig Heil's and fucking everything. Hell, the whole reason I bought the fucking thing is I saw Hitler on the back. And I couldn't believe that someone out there had the balls to make a movie that didn't take place in World War II would have Hitler be the primary antagonist.
I wish I could tell you more about the movie, but it's around this time that I became really drunk...or maybe it just kicked in, and I really don't remember anymore about it. Other than the "metal" band was pretty much only buried under 3 inches of dirt. The kind of dirt that you put in a potted plant.
So yeah, three out of 900 stars. Good stuff. If you're really, really high and there is absolutely nothing else on television.

Band I've been listening to a lot of this week: Fucked Up. No, that's the name of the band. And they are awesome.

Keep it black, kids.

yes

2008-11-04T23:33:00.000-05:00

yes.

Wake me up sometime next week

2008-11-03T20:43:00.009-05:00

Jesus, will I be fucking happy when we've elected our new freedom hating overlord and we're over-joyed at the entirely new ways we're getting fucked up the ass by our elected officials. I'm so sick of hearing "socialist this" or "creepy old man looking scrotum person that". I just want to hear about how much our new President is totally fucking shit up, or about how it's wack yo to have a black man in the white hizzie(LOL).
I think what I'm most tired of hearing is all the bullshit political ads. We all know that once Barak Obama is elected, he's going to personally murder the first born child of every white family in order to cement his rise to the Muslim Throne of Blood, at which point the 1,000 years of darkness will reign over the world. And yes, we all know that McCain plans on mainlining stemcells and eating fetuses in order to prolong his unholy lifespan so that he can see how the 100 years in Iraq plays out. We all know this. I like to think that these are just two of the reasons we're voting for out selective candidate. At least I know that I've got somewhat of a boner about infanticide and/or unholy lifespans. It's like a fucking H.P. Lovecraft novel, only that shit is going to be on the news/cable news(NOT REAL NEWS) every night. And I think we all need a little more of the Elder Gods in our lives.
What I'm tired of is the selective statements. You know, they take something that one candidate said, and then they leave out the most important part. For example: "If elected, I promise to save America from all threats!". What they usually leave out is, "..that aren't white and rich!". Wah wah waaaaahhh! This is also known as context. If you're married, you know all about this shit. I'm tired of people outright lying and just blowing things out of proportion. I'm tired of Drudge slapping a question mark on the end of something(OBAMA THREATENS ALL OF THE WORLD WITH GIANT ROBOT????) and people letting that shit slide cos he's asking a question. I want the world to get back to normal, when we can start blaming minorities and illegal immegrants for all the problems that are going on in this world. And by the world, I mean what really counts as the world: America.

So I guess it all goes down tomorrow. Let's hope that we don't end up with at least four more years of the same bullshit. I'm ready to get fucked in another position, thank you very much.

Fear

2008-09-11T13:45:00.004-04:00

I know I haven't been around in awhile, but I've been doing things. Daddy things, and not in that creepy way, either. I'm not leering after pre-teens at the school yard, I'm making stupid faces trying to make my child laugh. But she's in daycare, I'm not at work, and I've got a few things on my mind. So let's just get on this shit and get it out of the way, beeyotch.

1- Did you know that retards can vote? I didn't, and it fucking scares the shit out of me. Seriously. There's not a vast, untapped legion of voters out there that can be swayed with the promise of candy and/or popsicles. And then there's the retards, whom can be swayed with those things and toys. Does this bother anyone else? They can't tie their shoes, or shit in a toilet, but they can make a choice on who's going to be our next President. That's fucked up, man. A felon can't vote, and they (for the most part) have all their faculties. They just have really shitty impulse control, and can't decide whether to take no for an answer, or just set it all on fire anyway.
I mean, seriously, retarded people can vote. You might as well give four year olds the right to vote, too. And Muppets. No Fraggles, though. They don't even let those Digger-type fuckers finish what they're doing before they start eating the shit out of it. Fuck Fraggles. However, retards voting does bring me to my next two points:

1.3- Those losers that were protesting 'Tropic Thunder' cos it had that lengthy discourse about how to win an Oscar while playing a retard; and apparently they give a lengthy discourse about how to properly play a retard and win an Oscar. And a bunch of non-retarded people are all pissed off about this. They say it's offensive. Of course, since they work with retarded people constantly, they know what offends them, and a word with more than two syllables is one of those things. I think I may have mentioned this in another blog, in another land, but I've found that more often than not, the people protesting "offensive shit" usually embody none of the things that they're protesting. Sure, they had a couple of 'tards out there with signs and shit, looking all slack jawed and Downs Syndrome-y, but do you think any of them honestly gave a fuck about this movie? No, they were probably just pissed off that they were missing Spongebob Squarepants cos some asshole didn't like the fact that someone was using retarded in a negative connotation.
But hey, asshole, last time I checked, retard is a negative connotation. It's sure as shit not a good thing when the doctor tells you your child is "mentally retarded". No one is throwing parties for that shit. No one is driving around town screaming, "Yeeeeaaaaah!! I just had a retard baby!!!! WOOOOOO!!!". Although, maybe down south they are...
Either way, these people should learn to shut the fuck up and load the van up with all the 'tard babies, and take them to fucking Chuckie Cheese and have a good time. It's a movie, dude. It's a fake world with fake people doing fake shit. Who fucking cares? It's like trying to ban smoking in movies. If you start smoking cos you saw Keanu do it, you deserve to get fucking lung cancer and die. Because you are stupid. And if you have children, then they deserve to have you die when they're young, just so they don't have any awful memories of how stupid you were.

1.5- I bring all this up because of Sarah Palin. I listen to a lot of talk radio, and some moron caller called in about her nomination as VP, and was talking about her giving birth to a child, even though she knew it was 'tarded. Or if you want to be all scientific, Downs Syndrome-y.
Anyway, the caller said that when the retards all heard about Sarah Palin, they cheered. And she inferred that it was cos of the announcement of Sarah Palin. To this, I call bullshit. They probably just passed an ice cream truck or a candy store, something like that. I mean, seriously, retards do not care about politics. They care about apples(Thanks, Patton!), they care about bright colors, and they care about shiny things. They're fucking ferrets with thumbs and a slightly expanded vocabular.

2- It's been out for a long time, but Grand Theft Auto IV is fucking awesome. Seriously. I have beaten the game, but I still enjoy, from time to time, firing it up and just going out and causing serious levels of havoc upon an unsuspecting populace. It makes me even happier to create backstories for some random dude that I plow over.
For example: there's Fred Erics, 48, father of two. He's a lawyer in the real estate business, and it's been a busy week for him. Sure, he could have taken the car to work today, but he doesn't have time to find parking. So he walks. And he just happens to be walking down the street as I come hurtling down the sidewalk at 80mph and splatter him all over the hood of the cop car I stole like a fucking bug. Not a good day to be a real estate lawyer.
The game just manages to do everything that sandbox games have been promising for a long time. It doesn't do it all perfectly, but it does it pretty goddamn good. Better than it has been. If you want to go watch TV for a couple of hours, you can actually watch TV for hours. It's fucking brilliant. The radio stations are top notch, and I haven't really listened to all of them, yet. The cars handle like actual cars, so yes, while you can't go e-braking around a corner like you could, you can't pull that shit in real life, anyway. Trust me, I've tried.

3- There's more stuff, but this is already getting too long, and funny left town awhile ago. So I'll end it on this: TV on the Radio's new album leaked awhile ago, and being the forward-thinking, cheap motherfucker I am, I downloaded it.
And holy hell, I can say that it is probably one of the best goddamn records I've ever heard. That opinion may change awhile down the road, I've been listening to it for awhile(two days). It beats the hell out of Return to Cookie Mountain. And I think that if you like music, you should either download it or go buy it. I'm not going to buy it, cos I'm going to give them my cash direct when I buy their merch next month.

3.5- Oh yeah, saw Reggie and the Full Effect as well. One of the most fun shows I've ever been to. Hands down. Reggie kicked ass for a solid two hours, and he even let us hear some new Fluxuation stuff. And there's going to be a Common Denominator album as well. And a Get-Up Kids reunion. Sometimes, things are really good.

Stephen King knows sweet fuck all about the future of horror....

2008-06-10T01:11:00.003-04:00

I have seen the future of horror and it is not Clive Barker. It's this little thing called the EyeDildo. And it's exactly what you think it is. As long as you don't think it's a dildo made out of or shaped like an eye. It's a fucking dildo with a camera in it, so you can see the insides of whatever slut you're too impotent to bang with your own dong. And not only does it have a camera in it, but it has wires coming out of it so you can see the horror that is the inside of a vagina.
Don't get me wrong: I love me some gash. Seriously. My impending child is a testament to this. However, I have no desire to see its inner-workings....again. The last time was traumatic enough. It can be in the name of medical science all it wants, but it's still sort of horrific. I just, for whatever reason, don't have the desire to be that intimate with something that I'm that intimate with.

What disturbs me more than anything is that fucking just isn't good enough anymore. It's like we need to do the most deviant fucked up shit to even pop off anymore. If someone isn't vomiting feces into someone elses butthole while they them self is being drilled by...well, a drill with a dildo on it, it's just not worth beating off to. And that's sad, man. It used to be that people had nothing more than their own filthy imaginations to beat off to. Now we have levels of filth that would make Satan himself blush with shame. And I guess that's a good thing, cos we need something to blame for the reason some dude decapitated a bunch of prostitutes and ejaculated into their throat-holes. Something other than being fucking crazy.

NatGeo be da bomb!

2008-05-28T18:56:00.003-04:00

I'm totally going to watch the shit out of this National Geographic(or as the kids say, NatGeo) special on La Chupacabra. Which apparently translates to "The Goat Sucker".

It's going to be sweet. A ton of interviews with poor illiterate Mexicans that are worried about some creature running around in the jungle, sucking on all their goats.
Shows like this and 'Intervention' are the reason I have cable.

Goddamn drugs.

2008-05-14T00:11:00.000-04:00

I just don't feel like baring my soul to you tonight.

Yep.

2008-05-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

As most of you know, which you should since you're all basically my friends, I am a pretty huge video game freak, or as the media likes to dub us, "Gamers". I've never really had one of those moments, where you have to put down the controller and say, "Whoa. I'm playing a video game." and it comes as a surprise to you. Like you don't realize that you and the character on the screen are not the same person. I've played a lot of video games, and I do mean a lot, and I've never really been subject to that sort of loss of identity.
But Grand Theft Auto did it.
I was riding a bike across a bridge and I could swear that I could feel the breeze in my face. I was jamming tunes, I was feeling good. Sure, maybe it's the booze or the resin, but whatever. If a game can obliterate those sort of boundaries, the most important AT field, isn't that something to be in awe of???

GTA IV has done it. While I will be the first to admit that it's not my most favorite game in the world(that honor belongs to Ninja Gaiden and Ninja Gaiden alone), it comes pretty goddamn close.

I had a bunch of what I thought was super deep shit to say, but I was taking a piss and forgot most of it. Damn you, beer. Damn you, resin.

Play this game. Even if you don't like video games and you think that they are childish, give this one a shot. The narrative alone will slay you.

This is the reason it's still illegal

2008-05-09T11:12:00.010-04:00

So apparently regular glass bongs are just played out, now. I guess that the simple thrill of getting high has become so blah that we're not seeking new ways to "up the thrill factor" that we've resorted to fucking smoking weed out of a dude's head.

I'm not fucking kidding. Read the link. It's all right there.

This is the shit that keeps them from legalizing pot. Right there. Every time the government gets together, and they're all, "That Woody Harrelson doesn't seem dangerous. He was Woody on 'Cheers', for fuck's sake!"

And then they'd all murmur to themselves approvingly, about how maybe weed isn't all that bad, and we're not all a bunch of red-ringed eye sporting psychopaths, and that we're not all doing cocaine and heroin within twenty minutes of a first joint, and they're this close saying it's okay, when some dude busts in the room with a newspaper from Texas. And goddamned if doesn't have something on the front page about a bunch of savages smoking weed out of a fucking corpse head they dug up and then decapitated, and that just ruins everything. Next thing you know, they're thinking of pot enthusiasts as being on the same level as, say Hitler or the gays.

Goddammit, it's always like this. We're getting close to it being decriminalized, which is a pretty good step in the right direction. Pot is no different than booze, for example. You have people that can't handle that shit, so when they drink it they get into car wrecks, beat up their wife/children/other family member/any random person available, and just generally make assholes out of themselves, and yet booze is still legal. Hmm. I don't know about you, but if I smoke pot, I'm not going anywhere unless I absolutely have to. Or if I'm playing Grand Theft Auto IV, and I don't actually have to move anything other than a thumb to travel.

I'm not saying all drugs should be legal, good lord no. Cocaine is a not good drug. Nothing positive ever comes out of that shit, except for maybe a really clean house. Meth, well, I guess if you're weight conscious, you're going to be feeling really happy in about a month. I know that I think teeth are seriously played out, too.

And why does it always have to be Texas? Seriously now, what the fuck?

Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitch slap.

2008-05-08T10:53:00.002-04:00

If there's two things that I like, they're anime and deals. They go together like penis and vagina. Unless you're not into that shit. But whatever. Anyway, while shopping at Stop and Shop the other day, I came across three anime DVD's for $2.99. I figure, hey, what the hell? One of them was definitely Captain Herlock/Harlock, and the other two had giant robots flying around. How could it possibly be bad? Even when I get a dollar movie from Wal-Mart and it's shitty, at least I get a kick out of it.

Then I saw Protectors of Universe. Yeah, totally. To call this movie "written" is being really, really, really fucking polite. This movie makes absolutely no sense. It's like they took a bunch of shit from other anime, mashed it together, and then well....and then I guess everyone was super loaded the entire time, too.
I watched about 30mins of this, and here's what I figured out: a new star forms, sends out some signal, and then these mohawk sporting blue dudes that attack in submarines. They waste what I thought was Earth, but turns out to be Orion, I think. Orion or whatever freaks out and decides to put ALL THE CHILDREN ON A SPACE TRAIN. I'm not kidding. Eventually Earth releases their giant robot, Mazinger 7....who has a 7 on his belt buckle. He flies around and smashes the blue dudes ships, at one point punching into a cockpit and smashing a dude in the face- that is my favorite part of the whole fucking thing. Like it was personal for the robot.
Anyway, the space train docks into Mazinger 7's butthole. And he flies around with the train in his ass.
Seriously. Someone else made this up, not me. The only possible way I could come up with anything close to this is if drank for about three days straight. And if I did that, I would be too blasted to write.

Then, there's the voice over work. It's so fucking bad. Seriously, I'm sure they just took whomever they say walking down the street and recorded them with an old Fisher Price tape recorder. Hell, some of them didn't even sound like they could read all that well.

Anyone know of any PC DVD playback programs that'll let you take screen caps of whatever you're watching? You gotta see some of this shit.

Who the fuck are you kidding?

2008-05-01T19:52:00.002-04:00

I like to think that I'm a pretty tolerant guy: you wanna fuck some dude in the ass or scissor fuck some broad, go for it. You want to let a German Shepard fuck you in the ass while your creepy friends video tape it/jerk off, go for it. You want to cut the head of your dick off in the name of "taking control of your body", hey man, do it up.
I suppose those are extreme examples, but I thought I would start with that first. I'm not averse to people coming to this country from some other one. Hell, this whole country was built on that premise: come here, give us what you've got and we'll make something kick ass out of it. That's what makes us so much more rad than other countries is this implied(I'll get to that in a second) openness of the country. The whole "Give us your weak, your huddled masses..." etc, etc. Seriously, I am so fucking down with that.
But you do it by the rules. Shit man, I'm fucking married to an immigrant. You don't just come in here illegally and then get pissed off when people get mad that you're here. That's like breaking into someone's house, firing up their PlayStation or XBox and then getting angry with them when they ask you to leave. That's fucking bullshit, man.
Read this. And try not to laugh your fucking ass off. You've got this one bitch talking about immigrant rights. Immigrants do have rights. Legal immigrants have rights. Illegal immigrants have rights, too. Unfortunately, one of them is not being allowed to stay in the country. Shit, you fuckers knew that from the get go. That's why you sneaked in!!!!!
And seriously, it's not racial profiling. Is it racial profiling when you look for a 30 year old white male with serious mommy issues that's been chopping up prostitutes in Vancouver? No! It's simple fucking profiling!

Goddammit, this shit is pissing me off. I really, really, really, really don't have a problem with people coming here from other countries, obviously. But I do have a problem with people coming here illegally and sucking up resources and tax dollars and then bitching about when they get shown the door. Fuck you, man.

Jesus, this shit really fucking irritates me.

But on the plus side, Grand Theft Auto IV is fucking awesome. Really. I want to talk more about it, but I have to eat, and I've really only been playing for about five or six hours. And with GTA, that's not nearly enough time to let you know just how B.A. the game is. Plus, I wanna get into the multi-player, too, before I let you know just how kick ass it is.
But you know you've got a great game on your hands when you hit a tree with your car and send your poor Serbian protagonist shooting out of the windshield like a javelin.

Lest We Forget

2008-04-22T18:35:00.004-04:00

So today is Earth Day, and much like every other extraneous holiday(Administrative Assistant's Day, Take Your Child To Work Day, Father's Day[no longer extraneous]), no one really paid any attention at all to it, except for a bunch of douche bags on the internet.

Hey douche bags on the internet, next time you want to make a point to us about how the earth is fragile and we all need to take a step back and respect her or whatever, try not to do it on a machine that's insanely toxic and running on fossil fuel burning power plants(probably). Carve that shit onto stone in a cave, in the dark, lit by only a candle that you've made from your own earwax. Then you'll have some credibility.
Me? I want a carbon footprint you can see from fucking space.

My car is running right now....

Try it one last time

2008-04-21T18:57:00.003-04:00

Did the collective I.Q. of the nation fucking plummet when I wasn't paying attention?? I know that I'm not obligated to watch the country's intelligence or anything, but when I turn on the news and am confronted by two separate videos of two separate groups of people doing two sets of incredibly stupid things, I have to wonder to myself if I somehow went wrong somewhere. Did I not drive drunk the right time and not hit some retard kid that was going to have more retard children?
I can't help but take it personally. I know, I know, that I had nothing to do with it, but yet I somehow feel responsible.

What I'm talking about is the dude that videotaped himself getting a two year old high. In night vision, no less. That means he didn't want anyone else to see him doing this, yet he filmed the fucking thing in night vision so he himself could watch it later. And I think there was a chick involved, too.
The second thing is the group of teenage girls that film themselves beating the living shit out of another girl. It's in some nice ass living room that you'd see in a sitcom, too. Like 'Growing Pains'. Can you imagine Tina Yothers and all her little friends beating the holy hell out of some little girl, cursing and shit? No.

While both these things are incredibly dumb in and of themselves, what makes it even more retarded is that they both decided to film it. Generally, when you're engaging in criminal behavior, you don't want any more evidence than possible. If someone else seeing your act is a bad thing, fucking filming it is like, the worst thing you can do. I mean, you can say someone else is lying. You can't explain away film. You just can't. Maybe if you were being sued by George Lucas or Michael Bay, you could get away with the film is lying.
What I'm really guessing is that these people just didn't know. They didn't know that you can't give pot to a two year old and not expect to have people find out. Back in the day if you did that, you had to hope that no one found out for at least a month or so, then you were probably going to be safe. If you and your crazy bitch friends beat the hell out of some other girl, you would have probably gotten away with that, especially if that shit was the 60's. I read 'The Outsiders' the other day, and you could more or less get away with murder if you were a teenager.
But, I'm off-track. Anyway, I came up with a very simple form to help you know when to and when not to film shit.

1. Are you engaging in a criminal act?
If no, film.
If yes, see question 2.

2. Is this something that people need to see, or will it be just as funny if you only tell them
about it?
If yes they need to fucking see this, see question 3.
If no, do not film. Really re-think this, too.

3. Are you going to be putting this on YouTube?
If no, go read "If no," for question 2 again. Do not come back.
If yes, are you serious? And go to question 4.

4. Is there a sub-minor involved?
There is no "If yes" for this. You are a hillbilly and you need to give me the camera.

I'm not saying that you should stop doing dumb shit, or that I myself have never done anything dumb. I've done a lot of dumb shit. Hell, I've done some shit that I'm surprised at this age how I even got out of it alive. But I never filmed most of it. The shit that did end up on film is in the hands of my grandmother, and I'm pretty sure she's going to take it to the grave with her. I think it's some sort of insurance.
I wish I had some sort of point, but I guess if I do have one, it's this: we're all fucking dumb. And we are just not ready for shit like video cameras and the internet. If we were, you wouldn't be hearing about shit like this as much as you do. I'm sure people got their kids high in the 70's and 80's. But you didn't really hear about it, cos no one was filming it. I know kids were beating up each other gang style, but you didn't really hear about it unless it happened in your school.
Whatever happened to just telling people about shit?

And if this entry sucks, it's cos I'm high. I'm sorry.

Blah x2

2008-04-02T15:07:00.002-04:00

When you're feeling surly about the world, nothing makes you want to smash its fucking face in more than Godflesh.
Thanks Justin. You're doing a surly mood just right.

Addendum

2008-04-01T22:28:00.002-04:00

Disregard previous post.
No, not an April Fools joke, as that would make me the lamest lame-o ever. Stop fucking saying, "But you already is." If you weren't far away, I'd knife you in the neck, that's how humorless I am today.
This sumbitch that's fixing my car is telling me that not only is the starter fucked, which I already knew, but that the timing belt is fucked. And it's going to cost $1200-1300 to fix. Which is odd, cos the fucking dealer says it's $1050, MAX!!! Furthermore, there's a slim chance that the timing belt is fine.

I am tired and wish to go to sleep. I am also angry and wish to eat mechanic throat right now. And hang his testicles from my rear view.
Maybe not that. It would get a bit foul smelling in there after awhile.

Bastards of Peace!

2008-04-01T10:07:00.002-04:00

So the second love of my life(behind Banana and before the dog), our 2001 Volkswagen Jetta has decided that it will not work when required to do so. Doom on you, Jetta. Well, not really. Don't take that shit personally, baby. I don't mean it. Really. I only mean it part of the way.
Anyway, there's nothing more frustrating than getting in your car to go buy groceries and an external hard drive to find out that the money you were going to throw at a hard drive must now be used to fix your car.
These things happen, I suppose. I guess it's good that it happened while at home instead of at a store somewhere. That shit is the worst. There's nothing worse than coming out of the supermarket with a shit-ton of liquor and condoms(edit: not in Mass, you ain't coming out of no store like that), only to find that your vehicle will not work as ordered.

TRUE STORY: Once when I did not have a car, I had to take a cab in-town to Shaw's to buy some beer and rubbers. When the cab driver saw what I had, he asked me: "Big plans for tonight??" My response? "Yeah. Just cos they're kids don't mean they ain't got the same right to safe sex as you and I." I was attempting to imply that I was buying booze and rubbers for kids, but I guess he thought that I was going to liquor up some children, then fuck them. He said nothing to me the rest of the ride home, and I'm pretty sure he probably thought of calling the police. I lost a little bit of faith in humanity when no police showed up at my door.

So the car is going to be getting fixed today, and I hope that I'm not going to get ass-raped by the cost. I'm not going to a VW dealer for this very same reason. Just cos you have a fancy jumpsuit with your Euro-centric sounding name(Hans...I verk in auto repair) doesn't mean you get to charge me $70 an hour for labor.
I found me a certified dude online, works on Audi's, VW's, Beamers, Mercedes, and Porsche. Yeah, that Porsche. I figure if they're working on Porsches, they're less likely to put your vehicle back together with bailing wire, duct tape, and twist-ties. It's an engine mount on a $70,000 automobile, you can't use superglue on that.
Plus they had some good reviews, too. People said they take care of that shit. And I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

That's all I got for right now. I'm sure as the day goes on, and my coffee intake increases, I'll find something else to get all surly about. Just to make sure, I'm going to brew another pot and go to Drudge Report. That guy always has something.
I also have some horrifically violent mysogistic movies to watch, too. That should be good for a laugh.

Goddamn you PETA.

2008-03-31T22:31:00.003-04:00

This is fucking horrifying.

And that's all I can really say about it. Fucking PETA seriously has issues.

File under: WHAT THE FUCK?!

2008-03-28T15:15:00.002-04:00

Hey there gang. Anyone see 'John Rambo', AKA 'Rambo IV', AKA 'Rambo 4', AKA 'Whoa!'?? Yeah, I know, it came out in January, but I have this problem where I don't have all that much money, and Banana wouldn't go see that shit with me anyway.
Well I downloaded the motherfucker, and sweet Jesus on the fucking mountain top of blood and guts, this movie is sweet. Sure, it's not going to win any awards, unless they start giving them out for "Best Use of a Mounted .50 Machine Gun Blowing Burmese Military In Fucking Half"...but that's not the point. Rambo movies have always been about kicking ass and taking names, and this one does that in spades. I mean, I don't even know how this movie got an R rating. There's guts and innards and a dude blowing peoples heads off with a fucking .50 sniper rifle.
Which is great, cos right after the top half of his head is blown off, he goes flying back about 20 feet. No shit.

I guess I could justify these Rambo movies being all badass by saying that they're some sort of social critique of the times, i.e. 'First Blood' is what happens when you fuck with the vets when they come back from 'Nam, and it sort of addressed that hatred, blah blah blah. I'm not going to do that, cos I never really looked at them as that. I always saw them as an excuse to have one man beat the hell out of a whole bunch with arrows that exploded. And it was sort of giving the middle finger to Vietnam, you know, cos we lost that one at home. It was sort of a way for John Q. Public to feel all good about it. "Yeah, we fucking lost, but we won this time!!"
Whatever man, it's a movie. It's a movie where people get fucked up, blown all to shit, and I really like that. If you see any movie this year where a man gets his goddamn throat torn out, you owe to yourself to see 'John Rambo'.

Now I have to go. 'Assassins Creed' is here, and I needs to do some assassinating.

Elliot...Elliot...ELL-E-OTT!!

2008-03-13T21:21:00.007-04:00

The last part of that title was me doing E.T. Just in case you didn't know.

Also, in case you couldn't figure it out from the title, this entry is going to be about our boy, Elliott Spitzer. He's a hard drivin' son of a bitch, dedicated to cleaning up corporate malfeasance and making it so your average joe can't go out and pay some random woman $20 for a blow job in the front seat of his Buick Century. This is the same guy that railed against GTA(Grand Theft Auto for those not in the know) for allowing "children to pick up prostitutes, pay them for sex, and then kill them to get their cash back". This is the same guy that said he knows all about wiretaps, but then gets caught by one. The very same motherfucker that admits he knows that banks have to report to the federal government large transactions, especially if they are asked to be broken up into smaller chunks. Oh yeah, he did that one, too.

Check out how fucking Valium'd out his wife looks in that picture. Or maybe she's on the Xanax, I don't know. I find it hard to keep up with all the psychotropic drugs that housewives are dosing themselves with these days. But check her face out. I circled it and then put arrows pointing towards it, in red, so you couldn't miss it.
Doesn't she just look absolutely pickled to be there? I'm willing to bet that she'd rather be anywhere other than there; places such as Hitler's Bunker while the Red Army is advancing, the set of that 2 Girls 1 Cup video, Santa's Workshop during crunch time, and hell...even the fucking Vatican when they were trying to figure out how to explain the whole "Priest diddling kids" thing.
Actually, I bet that last one wasn't that bad. The Vatican has shitloads of cash. Shitloads.

Speaking of which, did you know that they came up with new mortal sins the other day??? The fuckin' Vatican came up with them! I thought only god could do that, but I guess all you need to be is some high ranking Vatican official and you get to decide that drug trafficking is bad.
But really though, do you think that's necessary? Like there's a bunch of drug traffickers that are all of the sudden going to be worried about condemning their souls to eternal torment all because the Vatican said it's bad??? These guys have spent most of the 80's chopping off breasts and hands with machetes without worrying about going to hell. I don't think they're going to start now.
Also: littering and not recycling- totally hell-worthy right now. I used to pride myself on littering. When I was done with something and driving, that shit would go straight out the fucking window, didn't matter what. Soda can, hamburger wrapper, plutonium, it all went out the window. If I wasn't hellbound before, I'm fucking front row center now for the concert to end all concerts.
I just don't see god giving a shit whether or not you decide to throw your gum wrapper on the ground or not as a reason for you to spend all of eternity being sodomized by demons. What if you find the cure for cancer....wait, that would be interfering with god's plan, so I guess that ones out. Hold on, lemme think of something that god doesn't have a problem with...okay. Got it.

So let's say you spend your whole life doing good shit that doesn't interfere with gods' fucked up logic. But let's say that at some point, you're out in nature, doing something and you forget about the ATM receipt that falls out of your pocket. That shit falls on the ground. And we all know that paper is about the third most destructive thing to the environment(first two are Paris Hilton and Uwe Bolls movies). Your ass is doomed to Hell forevers, bro. All cos you didn't hold the environment in the proper reverence that god intended for you to.
But here's the thing: Humanity is pretty much given carte fuckin' blanche to use the planet how they see fit in the Old Testament. I mean, god more or less says, "Yeah, you guys do whatever man. It's all yours." If you doubt me, look it up. I think he says something about all the plants, herbs, and animals as we see fit. If we see fit to use a bunch of plants by paving them the fuck over for a parking lot, isn't that our discretion? God didn't say, "You guys can use this shit, but just run it by me before you do so I can sign off on it."

I don't even know why I bother with all this malarky. I don't believe in god, but unfortunately I have to believe in the assholes that claim to represent his word. They're on fucking CNN for fuck's sake. And I can only deal with the Hilary/Obama cage match for so long. Speaking of Hilary, here's a picture to confuse your boners(those of you that are male):

I mean, how confusing is this?? Your penis is all, "Hey, it's Natalie Portman's nipples and OH MY FUCKING CHRIST IT'S ZOMBIE HILLARY!!! RUN, BITCH!!!". I know that when I'm looking at this, I don't know whether to beat off or weep uncontrollably.

IFC is the shit

2008-03-07T10:13:00.003-05:00

Check it out y'all, you can join up with some Christian dating site and date none other than fucking Powder himself!! How sick is that?! I thought he turned into lightening at the end of that move while Jeff Goldblum and Mary Steenburgen were running after him and shit. But, I guess that he came back from Metallica-Land to get him some prime Christian poon.
Can't say as I blame him. That chick looks like a freak. And plus, Powder probably shoots about 300 volts out of his "cattle prod" whenever he pops his cork, so she's gotta be into some freaky shit.

I've never watched the IFC channel in my life, cos I think of it in the same terms as I do other uppity bastards, and I don't really own a pipe or a smoking jacket. But after last night, that's changed, cos these sons of bitches don't edit their movies for shit. 'Boogie Nights' was on it all it's fake huge cock and tits glory. And it was sort of nice to see Heather Grahams rack again. And to watch her and Juliane Moore get all whacked on coke.
Speaking of Juliane Moore, did any of you ever see 'Alien Nation'? Don't the freckles on Juliane Moore's shoulders make her look like a Newcomer? I tried to find a picture for you guys that would adequately show it, but they were all gay press photos or scenes of "dramatic tension", and it doesn't work out that well. So you can go google "Alien Nation" and check it out for your damn selves. I don't have to do all the work around here.

Also: Patrick Swayze totally has pancreatic cancer, which if you don't know, is the same cancer that took the all-too-funny Bill Hicks way ahead of time. Apparently, pancreatic cancer is one of the ass kickers/name takers of cancer; something like 4% of those diagnosed with it live past five years. Ouch. And yes, I was joking when I was overjoyed about the whole diagnosis thing.
But I think there's something else we should talk about here. I think we should talk about when the fuck National Enquirer became a fucking credible news source. Last I knew, they were the guys that were talking about aliens meeting with Bill Clinton and discussing whether or not to enslave us and take all our water(guess the sci-fi reference!). Now they're making major scoops about starts that no one has cared about for four years or so.
Someone tell me: did I wake up in Bizarro world?

DON'T FUCK WITH SWORDS.

Don't fucking touch swords

2008-03-05T14:35:00.001-05:00

Hey, it could totally be true

2008-03-05T12:05:00.002-05:00

So take this for what it's worth, but the National Enquirer is reporting that Patrick Swayze has some sort of haggard cancer and has about five weeks to live. Check it out. Of course, this is the National Enquirer we're talking about here, so who knows how valid this is. But a ton of other "reputable" news sources are running with this info. And by reputable, I mean Perez Hilton and Transworld News...whoever the fuck they are.

Seriously, if this is true....YES!!!! Take that, you son of a bitch!!! This is your punishment for fucking 'Ghost' and 'Dirty Dancing' and every other shitty movie you made. Hell, it might even be some round-about punishment for 'Point Break'. Don't get me wrong, I dig 'Red Dawn' and 'The Outsiders', but I swear to fucking Christ, 'Ghost' makes me want to blow my goddamn brains all over the wall. And if it wasn't for 'Dirty Dancing', we wouldn't have all those shitty cruise line commercials. You know, the ones where they're singing, "I haaaaaaaaaaaad....the time of my liiiiiiife!". We know you had the time of your life. You're on a goddamn cruise.
Jesus.

But here's something else that's fun. Can you imagine being on a plane with just four other people? I'd be throwing a Nerf football around or some shit. Or just changing my seat every couple of minutes. And fuck those stupid eco-nerds that are talking about shit like "carbon footprints" and "CO2 loads". What the fuck is that? Carbon footprint?? Are you serious??? You know that there are people just sitting around in a room somewhere, eating fucking tofu and humus and shit, thinking up new words to make us feel bad for driving. Or using a plastic bag. Or just...just doing whatever. If it was up to some of these dorks, we'd all be living in trees burning candles made of beeswax that was taken from abandoned hives so as not to disturb the bees.
It's called the foodchain, bitches. And we're at the top. I'm not advocating just being a total ass and dumping motor oil down the drain and shit like that, but do you think that wolves give a flying fuck about their environment? Do you really think that they're sitting there thinking, "Jesus, I hope we're not over-hunting this herd of deer. That would be a goddamn shame if we were." Of course they don't, because wolves don't pollute(apparently, they give a hoot), but you get what I'm saying. Being at the top means that you're more or less in a position to do whatever the hell you want. You earned it. You crawled your way up there and thumped your chest, then gave the finger to the animals below you.
However, and there is always a "however", we are in a unique position that other animals aren't in, due to our ability to reason, our self-awareness, blah blah blah. We realize that our actions do have an effect on the world around us, and that we have to be careful about how we do our thang. We can't just run willy-nilly over this world, not cos we'll wreck the planet(how incredibly arrogant of us to assume so), but because we only have so much. We really need to be sort of careful and not just go burning through fuel, especially now that fucking China and India have decided they want to join the 21st century and quit riding bicycles everywhere.

So here's my point, eco-fags. Stop talking about fucking carbon footprints and all that shit. Cos I am a dude, and I am stupid. Whenever you talk about a carbon footprint, all I can think about is a dick-waving contest and how I want the biggest carbon footprint in the world. Remember that movie 'Kung Fu Hustle'? Remember the Buddha Palm move? I want that shit to be my carbon footprint.

Set the world on fire!

2008-03-02T11:42:00.002-05:00

I watched about 16hrs of Jackass yesterday. Yeah, it was the re-run of when they took over MTV, and I'm a big fan of people getting the shit knocked out of them by their own hand. Apparently Anna is too, cos she sat right along and chucked with me. Which I guess is rad, cos Jackass is primarily a dude show.
16hrs though. Goddamn, that's a lot of fucking drunk retards punching each other in the balls. I wish I'd counted, cos I'm pretty sure that there was about 1.63 shots to the groin every ten to fifteen minutes. And for all you sons of bitches that believe life imitates art...well, suck it. If it did, every male in this country would be sterile before age of 15. Actually, I'm surprised that most of us aren't already. Every dude I know has had that one accident with his bike at least twice. You know what I'm talking about. You're riding on the seat and you hit a bump. And you discover just how wonderfully that bar can cleave your testicles in two.
Which reminds me: why is it that the girls got that sloped down center bar with their lack of external genitalia? But us guys, with our poor sensitive, nerve-ridden beanbags....we get the bar that's about an inch and a half away from the seat. Good move, bike engineers. I'm sorry that you don't have balls and you're angry about it, but why did you do this to us??

I should stop talking about balls for awhile. People are going to start thinking things....

Since I'm about 15 years behind the whole "technology thing"(the most advanced piece of equipment I have in my house is an Xbox 360), I just recently figured out that if you go to Google video and search something, most of the stuff on there you can download in a format that you can slang onto your iPod or whatever. And I got all excited and threw two of the old Big Brother videos on there, which is like proto-Jackass. And it's great, cos while something looks like shit when it's all blown up, it looks really good on your little 1.25" iPod screen...especially if you have a magnifying glass.
Hiii-oh!!!!

I got issues

2008-02-21T12:37:00.000-05:00

Lest I forget

2008-02-14T23:40:00.002-05:00

This is a true, 100% factual conversation.

Insurance Operator: "Okay, just a few more questions. And how many wheels does your car have?"
Me: "Uhh...four?"
Insurance Operator: "Okay Mr. *****, blah blah blah."

Come on now. What did they think I was going to say, six???
"Oh yeah, when I'm not hanging in East Boston smoking and drinking with the cholo's, I like to take my eight-wheel vehicle out into Dorchester Bay and roll around in the swamp and smash old Irish Mob corpses into dust."
I guess that Mass has some serious rules when it comes to car insurance. Which is kinda funny, cos I always thought that liberal meant "whatever you wanna do, broseph" or at least "dude, if that's cool with you and doesn't fuck my shit up, go for it. Go for it hard.".
It would appear not. It would appear that liberalism is just as fascist as the conservative faction.

But seriously now: how many wheels does your car have?? I ask you, George Jetson, how many wheels does your car have?!?!?!?!?!

Can I tell you about my abortion experience??

2008-02-14T12:30:00.003-05:00

Do yourselves a favor and at least wait until the caller calls in. It sort of makes me wish that I lived down south, where they had all this shit. We have public access stuff up here, but it's all King Jah the mumblin' Rastafarian. And some Mexican stuff. And well, it's not as funny to call them up and prank them, cos A) they don't know what you're saying; and B) it's always so very, very funny to fuck with the religious right. Cocksuckers.

Speaking of cocksuckers, PETA has decided to send an open(read: You don't want our help, but we want to ride your publicity wake) letter to Britney Spears and her Mommy Dearest in which they more or less tell them that eating animal products will make you crazy. Yeah, that's right. Bipolar people are often "hidden dairy sensitives", which sounds almost sci-fi to me. Like in the future, there's going to be people in space, but not a lot of cows. And they're going to use "dairy sensitives" to psychically find them, so we can drink their milk and have strong bones and teeth. Cos we all know that space fucks up your bones something fierce.
Also, they say that there is a link between eating meat and the development of schizophrenia. They specifically say undercooked meat, but whatever.
If that was the case, I'm pretty sure that I would be masturbating in a pile of my own feces right now. My parents were firm believers in the four food groups when I was young(we didn't have no goddamn food pyramid!!), so I ate my fair share of undercooked meat. And while I may be a lot of things, I know that I'm not schizophrenic. This is just another instance of PETA trying to get their stupid agenda pushed forward. We get it, Ingrid. We get that you'd rather fuck an animal than a human. Which is good, cos god bless any human that fucks you. You're not attractive. At all.

Also, Breaking Bad, which is on AMC, is my new addictive show. Fuck you, Heroes. I'd rather see Malcolm's dad cook meth, clean up body goop, smoke pot, and choke a Hispandex dude with a bike lock than see Peter Petrelli mope around for 13 episodes.
Unless, you know, you're planning on coming back next week....in which case, I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean it.

The real downfall of America

2008-02-07T14:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I guess I could say something about that being NSFW, but you can see any dang. It's probably NSFP, cos if you have a weiner, you're probably going to start thinking some things:

1. Why? Are your friends around? Have you been drinking? Did you feel compelled to impress the internet? Cos seriously bro, you're going to have to go a lot farther than that.
2. Um, do you hate your dick? I mean, do you really, really hate it? Cos if so, just pay someone to kick you.
3. Goddammit. Why do I even bother going online?

And then I realize why I do. To bring you people this: Safe For Work Pornography. Go ahead and check it out. You can thank me later.

Is there a silver lining in your ASS???

2008-02-06T14:42:00.000-05:00

I suppose if one were to look for an upside to being home all day, every day, it's that I'm getting a lot done in Paper Mario. And PGR3. And um...well, that's about it, really. I have also been watching a lot of Judge [Insert name here]. So far, my favorite is Judge Alex. I don't know why, but it seems like he's on top of shit when it comes to finding the most fucked up people he can.
Okay, that's a lie. There's this sassy black judge, too, but I think that's Divorce Court or some shit. I'm not really paying attention, most of the time. Sure, it's on, but I'm looking at porn or videos of teenagers smashing their teeth out.
It's a way to survive.

So there's a lot of cool stuff about living here: bodega's, Korean convience/corner stores, living in the best sports town on the East Coast(dare I say the world???), a subway, and the best thing....minivans with rims.
I'm not shitting you. There are Grand Voyagers and Windstars with fucking rims on them, like rims you would see on a riceburner or a really cheap Mercedes. It's really hilarious. I'm going to try and get a picture for you guys, cos you have to see this shit. It's almost like some dude was pissed that he had to get rid of his pimped out pussy-mobile for a kidwagon, but goddammit, he's not giving up the fact that he's so street, people park their goddamn cars on him. So since I have nothing else to say, today, and plus I want to watch some anime, I'm just going to end it with this: I salute you, sir. I salute the fact that you're so pissed about having to drive your kids around in a minivan that you mack that shit out with a set of 17" rims. Myself and every West Coast rapper and the cast of Boyz In Tha Hood salute you, sir.

Children are precious

2008-02-05T16:47:00.001-05:00

More fun with humanity

2008-02-02T21:45:00.000-05:00

Today I was yelled at by a taxi driver.
I was crossing the street, against the advisement of the pedestrian traffic signal, and apparently this offended the shit out of said taxi driver. He yelled out the window, "Jaywalker!".
To which I responded, "Yeeeah!".
I mean, I know what I'm doing. I know that walking across the street when the orange hand is telling me to "talk to it" is, technically, against the law. I also realize that I'm no longer in the land of Pedestrial Lawsuits. If I don't see the white pedestrial, I'm taking my life into my hands when I step into that crosswalk. Okay, great.
However, yelling out my crime is not going to fill me with some secret shame. Especially when it's just jaywalking. I didn't rip anyone off, I didn't hurt anyone, and I really only cost you a second, maybe two. While I applaud your strict interpretation of the law, I really don't think that hollering it out a window at me is going to make me reflect upon my crime. Nice try, though.

Dear Diary

2008-02-01T19:58:00.000-05:00

Today I helped block up traffic on Storrow Drive for about a half a mile or so.

Welcome to Boston.

I guess that's about right.

2008-01-23T17:39:00.001-05:00

I don't know why the text in the previous entry is all fucked up. Sometimes, I just can't get this stupid fucking thing to do what I want. Never had this problem on Myspace. I got bombarded by just about every shitty local band ever wanting to be my "friend". So yeah, that's me apologizing for the shitty flow of the previous entry. I hate it when my entries lack a consistency. Dunno why.

So unless you've been living under a rock or just plain don't give a fuck, Heath Ledger is dead. If you've followed me over here from my Myspace blog, you may know that I don't really believe in sacred cows. You may also know that when Anna Nicole Smith died, I more or less savaged her and ripped into her something fierce. Part of that is cos that I found her somewhat disgusting and reprehensible. Part of that is cos, well, I thought it was pretty fucking funny. Her death wasn't an "if" but a matter of "is it going to happen this week or next??".
And...I just don't think I'll be able to do that with Heath Ledger. I suppose you could say that yes, I did enjoy chunks of his work; 10 Things I Hate About You was actually a pretty goddamn good adaptation of The Taming of the Shrew, The Brothers Grimm had its moments, and I was really looking forward to Brokeback Mountain 2: Backbrace Hill. I guess it's not happening now.
This is probably the last time this will ever roll out of my fingers(?), so make sure you get a screenshot or something, cos it probably will not happen again: his death sucks because he had a lot to offer, and because it wasn't one of those things that you saw coming. I don't really think I'll make too many jokes about it, simply because he didn't set himself up for those like ANS did. Sure, he made Knights Tale, but whatever. He mostly made good flicks. And it sucks that he's done. And that's all I can really say about that.

Anyway.
I saw Cloverfield and goddammah, was that a fucking movie. I haven't had as much...well, fun at a movie in I don't know when. Banana will back me up on this one, but I was having a fucking ball with this movie. Mr. Abrams and that other guy from Felicity, kudos to you. Also, Drew Goddard, writer of film? You know how you did. You don't need to hear it from me.
Warren Ellis did bring up something interesting, though, in one of the email thingies I get from him. He "...think[s] it's nice that everyone has permission once more to blow up and crush major American landmarks and generous swathes of real estate."
Well said, Warren. I'm going to drop a spoiler bomb here, but not only is the Statue of Liberty beheaded, the Empire State Building collapses in a rather spectacular fashion. I guess the time span for awful things happening to New York City has passed and we can once more smash buildings, lives, and property with gleeful abandon once more. Which is great, cos I've got this idea for a movie where a bunch of intergalactic trouble makers crash their flying saucer into the Flatiron Building to teach us pink fleshy bags where our place in the universe really is. And then they are just going to straight tear up New York(it used to be Cleveland). I mean, they are just going to fucking regulate on NYC, because apparently it is okay now.

The whole "holding off on fucking with NYC in movies" thing sort of bothered me. I mean, it was like being unable to call the kid who just got over bone cancer a pussy cos he sucked at Madden or some shit. I fail to see what his previous bone cancer has to do with his inability to run a virtual football virtually 10 yards.
On that same note: just cos something seriously fucked up happened to NYC in real life, we are unable to show any sort of trauma to it in an imaginary world. I mean, are we a nation of adults, or are we a nation of traumatized pussy 10 year olds that are getting over bone cancer?

What up?

2008-01-22T15:33:00.000-05:00

"It's not anti-feminist to want to hit a woman.
"It's anti-feminist to avoid hitting a woman for the same misdeed that would lead you to hit a man."

I found that on the Joystiq article reply boards(or whatever the fuck they're called) today. I go there often, when I'm feelin' low, and I just read the biggest collection of ignorance, jackassery, shitty spelling and grammar, and soak it in. I just hang out there for awhile and then when I feel real good and dumb, that's when I know I'm ready to read some comics.
But every now and then, you get a little nugget like this. And goddamn, if that ain't a good Strangler-sized one.

Um.

2008-01-12T00:32:00.000-05:00

So today was a great day because I fucking watched one woman take a fucking dump into another womans asshole today. Yeah. I watched about 10 seconds of it, and then I got so goddamned excited that I was bringing a child into this world I had to turn it off.
I'm not a prude or anything like that, but come on now. Shitting into someone's asshole? What does that achieve? Where are you going with that. I get strap-on's and vibrators and fucking sit'n spins and the Chinese fuck swing and all that shit. You're getting off on that. But taking a dump into someone else's butt? Dammit.

I also watched 'Jesus Camp' today, and that's pretty much the exact opposite end of the fucking "WHAT THE FUCK" spectrum. It disturbs me cos these are children, children that are being subjected to this sort of hocus pocus fucking mentality of Christianity. I'm an atheist, but I'm down with the general message of Christianity: don't fuck with me, and shit will be cool....if you're white. I'm chill with that. But these fuckers are speaking in tounges and waggling around, and there's this one little boy with the most unfortunate haircut since I don't know when...and it just made me so angry. Like where do you draw the line? Where is the line between buttfucking crazy and devout? If you saw someone mumbing in a made up language on the subway or some shit, you'd stay away from them, and shit, they'd probably get arrested. But if you do this shit in a church....you're feeling the Holy Spirit. And it's totally normal.
Only with religion does crazy shit fly. If I told you that there were Asian women shitting diamonds every Thursday, you'd expect a little proof before you buy that. But if I told you that God(it's his name, dude) killed his only son, his only son that was also him, just to teach us a lesson, a vast majority of the population would buy it and not think it's the most dickweed thing EVAR to do. I mean, c'mon. He once told a dude to kill his son to show him that he believed in him, then pulled a psyche at that last moment. That's so fucking 6th grade. Omnipotent being my ass.
Other than all the anger shit, you know it's great. Watching this bleach blond fatty ask God to keep Satan out of the laptops for the show is rad. I'm pretty sure that if there is a Satan, he's probably pretty involved in the daily running of Hell to dick around with a VAIO. But that's just me.

Well, there's that....

2008-01-10T19:34:00.001-05:00

It's pretty much just me and the pets in the house these days, 'cept on the weekends when Banana sees so fit as to grace me with her presence. It's rad...Ha ha ha ha...I keed, I keed. So yeah, since I've got all this free time and no one to talk to, I go back to the one thing that will always love me, and it will never, ever leave me.
The Internet.
Oh, blessed internet. With your vast and endless collection of pornography, videos of people getting seriously hurt, and shitty web comics. You are quite possible the greatest thing to happen to humanity, better even than modern medicine, the written word, and even artificial meat flavoring. But the reason that the internet kicks so much ass and is so great is that it gave birth to one thing: XBox Live.
Never before has one thing allowed so many latently homophobic and/or racist man children to gather in one place and exchange insults without having to worry if the dude you're calling a faggot is actually the size of Master Chief. I know what some of you are going to say, "Hey ass master, this shit has been rolling large since they had BBS's and shit. Where have you been?" Dude, that shit was for a very limited section of the population, we call them nerds. XBox Live is for everyone: from that jock that gave you wedgies in gym class to the band geek with bad skin. They're all on Live, and they're shooting each other. Best part? You can hear the hate in their voice. That's the turn on for me. Hearing the actual contempt dripping from someone's voice when they ask me why I'm playing like a nigger. Whatever that means.

Anyway, here's the point of this whole thing: with the threat of fatherhood looming over me, I discovered a video of a 9 year old arguing with his mother but neglecting to turn off his headset. I also discovered that hitting your children is not necessarily a bad thing. Shit, sometimes putting your child through a wall is the best fucking thing to do. So yeah, peep this video cos it's a Clan Match. And if you really, really want to see some funny shit, you can also watch this one, too.
And hey, bro's out there?? Don't let your friends play Live like this. Seriously. This shit is about as uncalled for as Age of Consent laws. You got a friend that plays like this, smack him down in real life. Cos there are too many of these stains playing Live these days. Let's keep the racism and homophobic comments where they belong: in our sports stadiums and on our battlefield...and the Union meetings.

I stand before you, humbled and ashamed

2008-01-07T11:53:00.000-05:00

So I found out something today, a pretty big something, and I just wanted to spread the horror around a little bit. I always thought that deaf chicks were these chaste, innocent beings. That somehow being spared the ability to hear the many evils that sprout forth from a man's mouth would spare them the horror of multiple penetration.
Apparently not.
Apparently drunk chicks can be serious whores, too. I warn you, it's NSFW, but it's totally worth it to see the chick sign, "Soon, we're going to jail" and to hear a drunk persons' toneless laugh.
Deaf Gone Wild
If you own this, you should be ashamed. But goddamn, it's really funny.

Apparently there's a whole sub-culture of deaf porn. And from what I saw, it's the funniest shit ever. They're like fingerbanging each other and then signing "Do you like how I'm fucking you" and other assorted loving words of encouragement. I mean, what the fuck? It's just...man, I don't know, maybe I'm just fundamentally screwed up in that I never saw it being so important that deaf people had their own porn. Is it that important that they sign "I'm going to fuck you in the ass" to each other before they do it? Could he just sort of put his finger in her butt and when she turns around, give her the thumbs up and point at her butt?
Actually, that'd be even funnier than what's going on now.

It's like being smashed in the face with a planet

2007-12-29T21:49:00.000-05:00

Yes, NFL Network, we get it.
We get it that you're the NFL Network, hence you have the right to EVERY NFL game EVAR. We get it that you're so NFL, you can't even pass the other networks in the hall without caving in the sternum of ESPN. We get it that you're so cool, you let a game that is more or less meaningless to 90% of the viewing audience(cos let's face it: no one wants to see the Pats go 16-0 except for about 1/250th of the nation).
So lay off the goddamn commercials about how B.A. you are. We get it already.
Damn.

Did he just fart in space?

2007-12-29T11:43:00.000-05:00

More about Mass Effect, cos I like it and it's fucking awesome.

So I recently nuked some planet and left one of my crew behind. I hope that doesn't hinder the ending in some way. It was one of my biotic(read: magic) dudes, the operative word being "dude". See, I'm trying to bang one of two chicks I can bang on the ship, and since I'm not quite sure I want to be nailing blue vag just yet, I'm keeping the other human chick alive. Until I'm sure that I'm not going to get smurf wiener or I know for certain that inside her baby tunnel, a million razor-sharp teeth are not waiting in some inhuman maw.
Seriously, it's a possibility. Her species is genderless. They repopulate in tubes or some shit. They just kinda look female. Which I guess makes the whole species lesbian in nature, but whatever.
So yeah, I nuked the planet. Left a guy behind. And now everyone on the ship is all, "Waaah, the Lt. is dust now. Why didn't you leave me??" Of course, everyone being the human chick I would like to put it in. She just doesn't get that despite having a first name of 'Boner', Cmdr. Sheppard is not gay.

Which reminds me: the whole time this game is going on, there's a chance that my crew is facing the end of all that is. I mean like the whole goddamn universe, everything. It's all gone if I fuck this up. The machine gods(I'm not kidding) are going to come and ruin everything, and I've been running around the goddamn universe like a chicken with my head cut off trying to stop it, and the one thing, the one goddamn thing that I want....is a little comfort. Hell, I'd be happy with a hug right now. I've had to make some hard choices, and these frigid bitches on my ship aren't even giving me a light touch on the shoulder, one of those touches that says, "Hey there, sir. I know that you've had to make some hard choices, and you've got a lot of your shoulders, being the first human SPECTRE and all. You've got the Council on one hand treating you like some retarded child with a pulse rifle, and then you've got the humans on the other telling you to hurry up and save the universe so that the Council will no longer look at us as if you're retarded. Tell you what, come down to this corner of the ship that I'm always in, time doesn't matter cos I'll be here, but you come down here and I'll take off whatever the hell it is that I'm wearing, and I'll let you fire a couple of shots into my blue alien butthole(I'm assuming that she has one, you know, for elimination of waste and farting), cos that what all humans like. Taboo anal sex. With an alien. Then after the experimentation is done, you can go back to your vanilla relationship with that borderline lesbian fighting machine upstairs. Sound good?"
There's a lot of talking in this game. Really.

While we're on the subject of interstellar love in the far future, let's talk about how you can be a chick and romance the other chicks, leading to either some totally hot girl on girl action, or girl on genderless alien with female appearance action. That shit is rad, and I may check that out on future play-through's of the game, as I've heard you get to see the blue chick's side boob. Nice.
But I doubt it. I was never one to play as a chick. Sure, it sounds great and all, but I just can't extend my disbelief far enough for me to believe that: a) chicks are good fighters; b) chicks will be put in charge of super-advanced military technology; or c) chicks will ever save anything other than coupons. I'm sorry, that's just how it is. But I guess...I guess it's a game, and the implausible can happen.
Anyway, so you can play a chick and do the dyke romance. Hot. But what I really, really want is some hot dude on dude action. That would be fucking hilarious. Can you imagine?? Cmdr. Boner Sheppard is up on the bridge, looking at some fucking blinking lights or some shit(cos in the future, that's all you get to stare at on space ships; windows are for cretins), and one of your subordinates comes up there...
-Tough decision you had to make there Cmdr. Do you need to talk about it?
-I knew I'd have to make these decisions when I took on this job. Every soldier does. It's part of the territory. But....but thank you, Lt. It means a lot to me, your offer.
-You know, sir, since you became a SPECTRE, I'm not really a subordinate anymore.(rests hand on shoulder)Unless you want me to be.
(a knowing glance is exchanged....)
And then it's just straight up hardcore gay sex. I'm talking the kind of hardcore gay sex where heads are being smashed into lockers, there's bruises on shoulders from being gripped so hard, and of course someone has to go to the medical bay afterward for butthole stitches, cos something was torn like a goddamn piece of paper. And then the Lt. would be walking funny for the rest of the game, cos you know he'd be the one to get all tore up. Cos let's face it, if you're gay, it's going to be really hard to get people to take you seriously if you want to save the universe, flying around in that fruity little ship of yours.
And it's going to be really, really, really hard to get them to take you seriously if you're sitting on some silly little pillow cos you got your asshole ripped open during some strenuous gay sex with your lieutenant. Sure, it's the future and attitudes have changed regarding homo's, but I doubt they've changed regarding people with three stitches in their balloon knot and a donut pillow on the bridge.

I <3 Mass Effect

2007-12-23T11:27:00.001-05:00

That's all.

Listen up, punk bitches!!!!!!

2007-12-21T08:31:00.000-05:00

Things I have been listening to lately:

nine inch nails- Y34RZ3R0R3M1X3D: It's the remix album for 'year zero', and it starts off with a fucking kick ass track. Trent's been really pushing Saul Williams recently(Saul's album shows up here, too), and he should, cos this dude is where hip-hop might be going...although.....

Saul Williams- The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust!: This is probably the best hip-hop album I've listened to in a couple of years that wasn't at least 5 years old. The dude is definately rapping on this thing, but the beats...I don't know. They range from weird funk stylings to industrial noise. And meanwhile, Saul raps or says his poetry or whatever over the top of it. Whatever, it's kick ass. Not the poetry, though. That's still, and will always be, gay.

GZA/Genius- Liquid Swords: This came out 12 years ago. It is still fucking awesome.

Weezer- Pinkerton: I don't give a shit what Rivers says, this album is probably better than most of their other shit, and it's really a shame that he's more or less disowned it. Another great start off track, and this will probably be soundtrack for writing for some time to come.

Godflesh- Love and Hate in Dub: Godflesh was this band that I just picked up when I was 19 and in college, and I was probably on a shitload of mushrooms and saw this band called "Godflesh". I was somewhat of a militant atheist back then, and I figured that this would piss my parents off to say that I liked it. The album was Songs of Love and Hate, I think. Can't remember. Either way, I stole it from the college radio station and listened to it for about a week. And then spent the rest of the month in the worst depression ever. I literally wanted to kill myself. That's how good Godflesh is. If you're not depressed, you're going to want to burn the whole world away. Fuckin' British people, man....

Gots to go clean up. Things to do today, me boyo's. Things to do today....

Got genocide?

2007-12-09T21:39:00.000-05:00

Two(2) things:

1. I was in the supermarket tonight, buying Banana a chocolate bar. Whilst waiting in line, I saw myself a book with the Virgin Mary holding little 9lb. 8oz baby Jesus in her arms. The title of said book?? 'There Was No Snow on Christmas Eve'.
NO SHIT! IT'S THE FUCKING DESERT, YOU FUCKERS!
Goddammit, I mean, what the fuck? I'm sick of these fucking Christians getting all pissed off and trying to take back their holiday. They should just give up and realize that Christmas is all about one thing: cash. It's about buying shit, a lot of shit, and then spending the rest of the next year paying off the bills. It hasn't been about Jesus and all that lame shit since people started getting presents on Christmas. As soon as the gift thing came into the equation, Jesus was totally gone.

2. While in the same supermarket, some chick had a hoodie on that said 'save darfur' on the front of it. And I felt incredibly angry about it. Not cos I'm all for genocide and whatever awful shit is going on there, but that people are so self-absorbed that they think their purchase of some $40 hoodie, or sticking some stupid sign in their front yard is going to save a life half-way across the world. Do you honestly think those machete-wielding maniacs are going to stop hacking off the breasts and limbs of someone and say, "Hey click-click-buuuuuur, some 20-something bank teller bought a sweatshirt and stuck a sign in her front yard. It said, "Save Darfur". And it got me thinking. Maybe...just maybe we shouldn't murder and rape this 14 year old girl. Maybe...just maybe it's wrong."
NO.
Wrong answer.
Most of this shit, from what I've read, is due to tribal tensions. Do you know what that means? It's the fucking Hatfields and McCoy's. These people don't know why they hate each other, they always have. To them, the reason is irrelevant. It's always been that way, so they just go with it.
Furthermore, purchasing a sweatshirt will most likely not do anything, other than make someone with a sweatshirt factory rich.

Ugh. I hate when people do this to me. I hate when they make me get all serious and angry.

I got bit by a shark

2007-12-07T19:20:00.000-05:00

This will be short.
I cut my hand at work today. It was great. I bled a lot, and people kept asking if I was okay, and if I was sure I could drive myself to the hospital. Sure, it's a pretty sweet cut, but it's not like I cut off a finger or anything.
But it was cool, and I got about 8 stitches(tho' I not be a bitch). I'll put a picture on here as soon as I can trick Banana into letting me use her Mac to get the picture off my phone.

Shit.

Rhymes with cocksmoker

2007-12-06T18:51:00.000-05:00

It's about this time of night when my body starts to give out on me.
Personally, I don't think I'm eating properly for the job that I'm forcing myself to do everyday(sans for the Sabbath; the only food your body needs on that day is the lord), and it's starting to take a serious effect on me.

For example: tired. Mostly all the time. I guess that goes with the territory, seeing as how I'm working out more every day than I have since I was...oh...about 18-19 years old. So yeah, there's a lot of muscle pain that goes on. I think it's them screaming for protein. Could be wrong.
For another example: moody. I know this happens when blood sugar starts to go down. I do a good job of keeping it in check at the homestead, but I can be a right dickweed at work. Seriously. I think I'm probably one of the more popular people there, if by popular I mean "Most Likely to be Killed by Any Method You See Fit". Lucky for me it's a job and not a popularity contest...but boy, if it was.....

I suppose it's all a moot point, anyway. The job will be over soon, I'll be out of the state, and I won't have to worry about the shitty employment opportunities for undereducated know-it-all slackers like myself. Who am I kidding? The job opportunities are going to be just as shitty for a retard like myself, except there's just going to be more retards, hence a need for more employment options for those of the retarded persuasion.
Makes sense, right?
So here's the wacky thing: most of my life, I have wanted to get the fuck out of this state. I've been jealous and somewhat resentful of those that have managed to do it, and now when told that it's time to do so, I'm a little apprehensive about doing so. Main reason is the distance from friends and the fact that I really suck it hard at making new ones. I can make aquaintances like all get out, but the whole friend thing is...difficult. Probably cos I'm such a dickweed.
But, brightside time: concerts, shows, it's there. Boston also has a kick as local music scene. Aaaand, as I've been looking into, a really slick indie comic scene. So maybe I can get down there, find an artist I can work with, and get something else I've been wanting to do, done.

I have more, but this is pissing me off, not having the text show up on the screen when I type it. This lag is irritating me. See?? Not eating properly, right there.

Things to know

2007-12-03T06:34:00.000-05:00

If you don't live in the northeast, you're probably not reading this. If you do, you're aware of the super good times weather outside. Let me relate to you a short tale of discovery and excitement.

The 2001 Jetta that we drive comes with ASR, or Acceleration Slip Regulation. It's the German way of saying Traction Control. How this is supposed to work is that when one or more of the wheels start to lose grip with the road, the car's T-1000 like brain does a bunch of math in shit, all in the span of a couple of miliseconds. If one of the tires loses grip even a little bit, it will decide to do one or all of the following:

Retard or suppress the spark to one or more cylinders
Reduce fuel supply to one or more cylinders
Brake one or more wheels
Close the throttle, if the vehicle is fitted with drive by wire throttle.
In turbo-charged vehicles, the boost control solenoid can be actuated to reduce boost and therefore engine power.

That's all well and good, but let me tell you what actually happens: there's this little light on my speedometer. And when I go around a slight turn in shitty weather at about 20mph, the car's Speek-n-Spell like brain goes "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit", and that light flashes on and off fast enough to give me a seizure. Then the car goes sideways as the brain figures it should do something with brakes or something, and I turn the wheel to compensate. Then me and the brain go sideways down the on-ramp at 15mph, both of us going "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit".
So yeah, I didn't go to work today. I drove to the next exit and turned right the fuck around, the little "ohshitohshit" light flashing on and off, more or less the whole fucking way.

And that's how I started my day!

Been sitting on this for awhile...

2007-12-02T20:33:00.000-05:00

I've been a big MST3K fan since about '94 or so, and as a result I'm a sucker for shitty movies, but they have to be above and beyond sort of shitty, not 'Pearl Harbor' or 'End of Days' shitty. You know what I'm talking about here. Think 'Killdozer' or 'Freejack' and you're sort of heading in the right direction.
NOTE: I know that 'Freejack' should get a pass due to the involvement of Mick Jagger. No dice. That movie really eats it, hard.
So yeah, I love shitty movies, but only if they're trying really hard. Combine that with the inability to stop reading a book, regardless of how bad it is, and you have a person that tends to consume a lot of bad media. Oops.
But this is a good thing- for you...maybe. See, I've got a couple of candidates for a what I'd like to call a "Good Review for Shitty Media". Movies, games, TV, radio, music, books, and magazines. I'll leaf through them half-assedly, most of the reading will be done on the toilet, and when I'm done I'll tell you why it's shit, but why it's so goddamn hilarious at the same time. Like the sodomy scene in "Roadhouse"(also a shoe-in).

Right now, I've got two really obvious candidates: 'Brotherhood of Death'; Black people that are obviously too old join the Army and go to 'Nam(which looks suspiciously not like 'Nam), then come back to their old stomping grounds in the south and fight the Klan. And this shit magazine/book 'Jetstream'; Quebec and Europe invade the U.S. And the National Guard fights back. That's actually complicating the book a lot.

Any suggestions are welcome. I promise I'll definately give it a look. And as per usual, there's no real schedule for this. Usually whenever I get really high and have a lot of time on my hands that isn't occupied by my penis.

le sigh #1

2007-11-26T20:56:00.000-05:00

I still wish that things had "MADE IN TAIWAN" on the bottom of them.

le sigh

Things I am currently sick of

2007-11-26T20:16:00.000-05:00

- The Bush Presidency: cos, c'mon, it's the most easy one I've got going here.
- The constant strip mining of our childhood in the sake of nostalgia: cos that's what nostalgia means, it means you're paying for shitty things in your childhood. You remember them at such a high point that you fail to realize you were six when you originally thought such things were so kick ass.
- Paris Hilton: I wouldn't do her, neither would you. Unless, of course, you were so desperate you'd fuck a hole in the ground. A hole in the ground lubed up and wrapped with barbwire.
- The PS3 "potential": when I was younger, 90% of time I had "not living up to potential" checkmarked somewhere in my report card. I never quite understood that. How was some kindergarten teacher able to predict my future performance?? With that said, please explain to me why I should pay $399(minimum) for a system that won't reach its' potential for another year or so? The 360 is about half way now, and I still wouldn't pay that much for it. I got it as a gift.
- The console war as a whole: competition is good, you fuckholes. Why would you want less systems in the market. That's what Sony wants. And judging from their past performance, they don't know what the fuck is going on, they just get lucky. See: Walkman, Discman, CD format.
- Moonbases: where the fuck are they??? I mean, what the fuck, guys?!? We went there in 19-goddamn-69. I'm no math major, but that was about 38 years ago. Now we have cell phones so small we can lose them in the change pocket of our jeans, but we don't have inflatable moon bases? Something is very, very, very wrong here.
- Drug laws: Stop kidding yourself. Just cos you are a United States Senator doesn't mean you can go to six different doctors for a Vicodin scrip. C'mon now. Rich doesn't mean above. And yeah, Vike's aren't grown by a bunch of hippies, but I guess if weed gave you a mil plus, you'd be a little more sympathetic.
- Blog posts that are fueled liquor/marijuana: You'd think I'd be over this by now. I mean, for fuck's sake, I'm 28 years old. This is junior high shit.

Snickety SNACKT!

2007-11-24T17:16:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty sure that I must possess some form of a healing factor. The reasoning behind this is: earlier today I started feeling shitty. Chills, muscle aches, a fever that spiked at about 104.3 or so, and just general malaise.
Now- I feel pretty good. The fever was 100-something last check, I can sit up without wanting to die, and I don't feel like I'm going to die of hypothermia without socks on. I tell yeah, they should just slap an adamantium skeleton in me, give me some claws, and then mentally fuck with me over the course of years, so as to turn me into a hyper-efficient death machine.
Yeah...

Whuckah-chuckah!

2007-11-21T21:09:00.000-05:00

Several things....

1. I have quit smoking. Yes. I have quit one of the few things that makes me feel calm, satisfied, and cool. I had to do it, though. I smoke about a pack a day, give or take, and the cash that was being spent on that shit is just better spent elsewhere. Primarily on weed. Or gas. Cos you know, those dune coons aren't making this shit any cheaper, despite their sitting on what analysts refer to as "a fucking shitload, man". But yeah, money is getting lean, so I'm trimming some fat.
And I figure if I'm making one step, I might as well make another. I'm going to call it "Josh's 10 Year Plan to Healthy Living". This is step one, the no smoking thing. Step two is going to be the elimination of caffeine, which is going to suck hard. Step three is cutting out un-needed sugars. And then I guess in between some of those steps, I'm going to introduce a gym to the whole aspect.

2. The actual typed out first draft for the much bandied about TV pilot is about half done. I know it shouldn't take that long to get it out, but I discovered in the process of writing it that I have a shitload of control freak issues I need to work out. There's tons of direction that I need to put in there, in terms of how lines need to be said, what people are doing, the mood of a scene I'm attempting for, etc., etc. There's more to it than just slapping lines down on paper and hoping that whomever you've got acting it out can interpret the meaning behind the scene. I decided to err on the side of caution and S-P-E-L-L it out.

3. This is the big one: my lovely wife, Banana Pants, and I are heavy with seed. Well, rather, she's heavy with seed. I just run to the store for one gallon(3.78 L) jars of pickles, ice cream, popcorn, and various other needs. More or less whatever she asks for at the time. And hey, the way I look at it...going to the store to pick this shit up is the easy part. It's not like I have to store some fetus inside me like a vending machine for nine mos.
All joking aside here, but it's usually easier for me to put this shit into, I guess "reality", by typing rather than saying. Despite my outgoing/extrovert/dickhead exterior, I'm not really comfortable talking about a lot of personal shit(provided it isn't my bowel or masturbatory habits), so it's hard for me. But this whole "being a dad" thing has me outright terrified. We could start with the whole initial year thing, or the toddler phase, or Jesus, the teenage phase. We could pick a starting point and go from any one of them. But shit, man, it's fucking scary, you know? It's one thing running my own life into the ground, cos at the end of the day I'm the only one that has to fall asleep with me. I'm the only one that has to live, long term, with my decisions.
Kids change all that shit. Something fierce.
For example: I joke a lot about not doing shit for the environment, cos I'm just going to fuck up this planet like my parents did for me. "Let them figure it out," I say to people that stare at me slack-jawed as I throw my waste oil down the storm drain. It's different when you have actual progeny following you into the world as opposed to the hypothetical variety. But it's not so much littering that has me worried, cos let's face it: how badly can you really fuck up 20 miles of blacktop with a piece of paper??
Honestly, I'm just worried that I'm going to end up like my father, and that I'm going to set into motion some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy(NOW STARRING CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!!!) where I try not to be my dad, and I end up being everything that he was. And then when my kid has a kid, they try to do the same thing(supposing that they're a male themselves), and they do what I did. Yeah, good times. It'll be just like reliving 1996 when my dad and I were about a 1/4 inch of drywall away from setting each other on fire. With our minds.
Like I said: good times.
But hey, I was (sort of)a psychology major in college. I know(sort of) about the mind and shit, how the brain works, and how that most men are destined to become their fathers. So I'm aware that I've got the deck stacked against me. And that's what freaks me out. Not that I'm not looking forward to beating the hell out of my child when I catch (hypothetically)him huffing spray paint in the garage, but I don't want to be that balding dude standing in his(again, hypothetically; please don't make me keep doing this) bedroom screaming at him about a C+ in some U.S. History class. I mean c'mon...everyone knows that U.S. History doesn't matter. We have cable television now, we don't need to know this shit anymore.

But I digress.....
To be honest, I'm going to spill something for you all here: I don't believe that one person can make a difference. I don't believe that one person is going to be standing on a street corner with a sign, and GW is going to think to himself, Shit...this war is fucked. I should stop this.
Not going to happen. At all. People don't change shit. Except!!!! Except other people. And as cynical and jaded as I am, I'm really an optimist and a romantic at heart. I want to believe the best in people. I want to believe that we can make a difference.
And I am going to make a difference. I'm going to have help, but I'm going to make a difference. And I'm going to do it through my kid.
If you ask me, that's far more impressive than swaying a presidential election or running a tax reform through Congress or whatever. But then again, maybe I'm biased.

P.S.- If this child is a girl, I will be going to jail in about 15 or 16 years. You can bet on it.

Yeah, baby!!!

2007-11-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

It started so innocently...

2007-11-07T15:36:00.000-05:00

So I was just looking for those resin figurines of anime figures taking a dump. They're hilarious, and yet fucking disgusting at the same time. I don't know why I was looking for them, it just popped into my head for some reason. I got home, drank a pot of coffee, and decided that I needed to look up pictures of figurines shitting into their hands and what not.
I couldn't find any. But I found something much, much better.

!!!!BE WARNED!!!!
There is a link I'm going to post, and there are some of you that might find it pretty fucked up. However, if you have suffered one too many head injuries, and/or weren't hugged enough as a child, you will probably find them hilarious. Basically, there's some future sex offender out there with too much time, fake blood, and toys on his hands, and he took it upon himself to stage horrific sexual scenes with these dolls. I never really wanted to see Barbie get fucked to death by a horse, but hey, I couldn't not look. And plus, there's just one image that cracks me up.

Yeah, he's choking her. It's fucking great, isn't it? Since this isn't really a porno blog, I put horrible black bars on the so-called "naughty bits". But yeah, the dude doll does have a penis. And yeah, at one point you see it flaccid. It's so great.

Go here and see for yourselves. But I warn you: It is graphic. And it is awful. But goddammah, is it hilarious sometimes.

P.S.- If you know where to find the poop dolls, let me know. I fucking want one.

I have never been a funny man

2007-10-31T15:37:00.000-04:00

I've actually been spending the better part of the afternoon writing, longhand no less, and it feels good. Well, due to the way I hold my writing implement(I taught myself how to write, so I hold a pen/pencil all fucked up), my hand tends to cramp up real fast, but I keep going. So the point is it doesn't feel good, not physically, but in a mental sort of way..that whole sense of "I'm accomplishing shit, and mayhaps I'll eventually have something to show for it". That's pretty rad.
Oh yeah, so I've been writing today, and although I really like a computer for just about everything else, when I pound out first drafts, I really like to do it longhand, as it makes editing waaaaay easier for me. I can just cross something out, or I can write a little something underneath a paragraph or whatever, and it doesn't fuck up the formatting too much. I know, I know, with a word processor, you could just put that shit into where ever you wanted it to go. It's one of my little weird quirks, of which there are many, but I write the best that way(I think), and again, it's just easier for me.
So where was I going with this....oh yeah.
Stephen King said(actually, he wrote it, but whatever) that if you want to be a writer, you have to be a reader as well. I imagine the same is true for those that want to make a television show, or a movie, or whatever. So I indulge that shit, yo. It can be said that I love, I mean I truely love, very few things on this earth. Unlike TV on the Radio, I was never a lover before this war. But, I do love moving pictures. I'm just very specific about what I do love. And when I love it, I'll run it into the fucking ground, and then dig it back up again just to love it so more.
So I've been watching some TV shows, a few comedies, and I've been reading...just to polish the ol' skill set. I feel rusty on certain things, cos I haven't really written written in a long time. At least, I haven't sat down to write just for the sake of enjoyment, in a long time. And when I started writing this pilot, it wasn't something I did cos I liked it, it was something I did to attain a certain result; mainly: I want to be on television, and I want to be asked for my opinion on shit that does not matter, and I want to offend as many people as possible with something that is absolutely retarded. There's a certain power in offending people, or pissing them off, and I for one, enjoy it...as sick as that may sound. I've always been known for saying shit for shock value(to a point), and since I was never really a big motherfucker, I used the two biggest muscles I was given to maximum effect: my brain and my mouth.
Off topic again, sorry.
Anyway, during writing today, I have to say that I fell back in love with it. Yeah, gay, I know. But there's just something about the smell of the ink, the feel of paper underneath your hand, and the concept that you're actually giving life to these dumbass characters. It feels...I don't know, man. It feels good. I would say it feels godlike, but I don't want to be sued by KMFDM, and plus I don't believe in god. So take that for what it's worth. But goddammit, or goddammah if you see fit, I think I've caught the bug again. As soon as my hand starts to un-cramp, I'm going right back to the grind. And when this shit is finished and gone over with my writing partner, I'll throw a couple of snippets up here so you guys can take a peek. I don't know whether to go with a scene or two, or just actual snippets. We'll see when it's done.
And I have reversed a decision....somewhat. It was suggested that when the pilot is done, we throw it up on YouTube and let you guys take a peek at it, and then tell us how much it sucks. Initially, I was very not for that. I have reversed my decision, again, somewhat. My plan all along for this was to write a draft, film that and watch(to see what works, what doesn't, what needs to be tightened, etc.), and then revised the next draft based upon that. Well, here's the poop: the first draft filming is going online. It's not going to be the finished product, but it'll give you an idea of where we're going, I hope. If this is done well, I have a feeling that this show of ours has a real good chance of ending up on basic cable. I hope. I fucking hope, I fucking hope.
But hey, who knows? If it doesn't, well, then at least I know that I'm just going to have to try harder. Not that I'm not trying real hard right now, but if this doesn't work, then I know I have to punch it up to the next level. I'll keep you all posted.

Last thing. Sorry for the length, I'll try harder to entertain you guys next time.
Anyway, I got the download for Warm & Scratchy, which was more or less the rock response to DANGERDOOM from adult|swim. Aside from the new TV on the Radio track(interesting...), there were two tracks on there that were enough to make me track down the musicians(online), and then download(illegally) the shit out of them: Jesu and Amusement Parks on Fire.
Jesu is basically the new project from the dude that was behind Godflesh. That was the band that more or less made me think, "Hey, suicide isn't such a bad idea afterall". It's pretty much the heaviest depressing band I've ever listened to. I'm serious. I found a copy of their album 'Pure' in the radio station I worked at in college, listened to it, and was seriously depressed for weeks afterwards. It might have been the excessive alcohol/drug consumption at the time, but goddammah, did it have an impact. Which was the point, I guess.
But Jesu ain't like that, nosir. This shit is sonically dense and morose, but there's this weird light of hope in it. It's weird. The music is just so goddamned beautiful(to me). And it sort of reminds me of My Bloody Valentine, only you can sort of hear the lyrics more and if Kevin Sheilds was more into metal.
Arcade Parks on Fire is pretty much what My Bloody Valentine would have been if they had cut down the effects processing by about a 1/3, and actually followed up Loveless with something worthwhile. I've been digging on the "shoegazing"(god....genre-fication is just so goddamned stupid these days; what the fuck is progressive mathcore????) tunage for awhile, and these guys are just nailing it. You should check these guys out. And download Loveless, too. It's really, really, really brilliant. Probably one of the best albums of the 90's, right up there with anything Nirvana or nine inch nails put out. Yeah.

Awright, that's enough of this shit. I promise next time I'll try to talk about how much Mexicans smell, and how dumb black people are. Or maybe I'll just go on and on and on about how much white people love to oppress the very people they're afraid of.
Or I could just talk about my pooping habits. You never, never know.

Quick and to the point(less)

2007-10-31T05:56:00.000-04:00

Oh, you goddamned aliens...

Um, right

2007-10-27T13:33:00.000-04:00

I still use Myspace, mostly for keeping up with friends that are outside of a phone call or a walk to their house to ask for sugar. And occasionally, it is good for a laugh. For some reason, all of the ad links, I guess you could call them, seem to point me towards Ted Nugent ring tones, asking if I think I'm Ted Nugent(the answer is overwhelmingly "no", although I do wish....), and something to do with 'Smokey and the Bandit'. Huh.
Also, there's the brassy "I'm on tha intarweb and can say bad shit about u and u can do nothing" mentality. Someone left a lovely comment about me being a faggot or something, and then they called me an asshole. I'm pretty sure I make a big mention of me being such on the front of my Myspace, so whatever. But to go out there and say such things, and then make it impossible to contact you back to ask a very simple, "WTF???", well hell, that just reeks of grown-up-ness.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that when confronted with an ad about having Avril Lavigne on my cell phone, I decided that I would rather have the crushing one-two combo of AIDS and herpes on my cell phone than have her on there. Shit, I'd rather have Britney on my cell phone than Avril. Sure, they're both dumb whores, but at least when Britney drinks too much, passes out, then pisses/shits herself, there's going to be more amusement. At least for a couple more hours.

Here I sit....

2007-10-26T11:27:00.001-04:00

Well, the television show train chugs along, I'm just taking a break from the writing(to do more writing....what?) to tell you all what you should be doing, listening to, watching, etc., etc....mostly, cos I'm just so much smarter than you all.
Ha. If only. Anyway, here we go....

I've been a fan of Alec Empire and his various releases(Mille Plateaux, Jaguar, Generation Star Wars, ATR, etc.) since I was about 18 and discovered that Atari Teenage Riot was just about the angriest, most pissed off music I'd ever heard. I wasn't aware that it was possible to condense all this rage and anger into a sonic format. Apparently it is. And just like when I listen to hip hop or gangsta rap, or whatever, I start to get all angry. I don't know if it's the sonic noise assault, or just the fact that if someone else is this pissed off about something, I must be as well, simply by listening to the shit that's coming out of my speakers.
Anyway, Alec has moved on from Digital Hardcore, the style and label he helped create, and is going back to electronic roots(last two albums were more or less punk rock with electronic processing), and started a new record label, Eat Your Heart Out. And the music off it, well good goddamn, it's great. I would suggest that a majority of you(read: four) go check it out, but be warned: it's noise, for the most part. Noise with beats. It pisses people off. I went to an ATR show in college, and I ended up leaving with three cracked ribs and a black eye. It was probably the greatest show I ever went to.

Umm...what else, what else....

So Ryan and I hammered out the first episode of the show the other day, which has always been somewhat of a problem for me in writing. Dialog, I can do. Dialog and certain scenarios, or scenes, if you wanna be a dick about it. Plot, I have a problem with. I can get so far, and then I just find myself sitting there going, "Okay, now what??". But Ryan came up with the idea that we should just set up a shell for what we want the episode to be and go from there, whereas I was just writing, and I figured that the ep. would be over when it was over.
The new way of doing things...well, let's say it's way easier. I can more or less hammer out the whole ep. and then we can sit around refining it like it's fucking oil out tha' ground. Yessah. After the writing process, we're going to be looking at "taking some classes" at the local public access channel. I really need to learn non-linear editing, since most of my experience is with linear decks, and those aren't really relevant with digital filming. Also, it's good to just get a little more hands on experience with digital cameras, since I've never really used one before, and we need some experience with boom mic operation and the like. So yeah, $50 for three hours of time, and we'll be all the better for it. Hopefully. It could turn out that we just suck incredibly, which will drive the cost of this pilot up, seeing as how we'll have to hire people to do the shit that we want to do. We're more or less hoping that we can shoot this for the cost of digital tapes, renting a camera and other equipment. Then again, shit in one hand, hope in the other.....

I gotta get back to work. Big announcement coming up, certainly. May be about the show, may not be. But the two of you out there...make sure you check it out.

Oh mc chris...

2007-10-17T23:12:00.000-04:00

I'm not really going to talk about mc chris all that much in this post. If you know who he is, super great. If not, well, he was the voice of a character on Sealab 2021 that I named my dog after. Yep, super nerd here.
Anyway, the point is that he's got this song, 'White Kids Love Hip-Hop', see. And one of the verses is:
We drink box wine/And we listen to Weezer
I don't really listen to Weezer all that much. I mean, 'My Name Is Jonas' is pretty rad. And I really like most of 'Pinkerton', but other than that, not really digging on them. But I am digging on the box wine. I mean, c'mon. You're basically stealing this wine. Sure, you pay for it, but goddammit, it's a steal.
For example: cos I am classy, I drink it out of pint glasses. I had five pints of wine last night...or six, I don't know. Either way, enough wine. The best part??? There's still more. A lot more. And I really dig on the wine drunk. I think I'm going to be drinking box wine for awhile now.

And since I'm drunk, here's something that is not going to be funny to about 99.999999999% of the three of you that read this. My boy Collins hooked me up with this DVD, 'Forever Hardcore', which is basically a love song to ECW, the wrestling federation. For a wrestling fan, even a relapsed fan such as myself, it's really interesting. But there's a part in it that reduces me to a fit of laughter everytime.
BACKSTORY
There's this wrestler, New Jack, who did a bunch of dumb shit back in the day. Seriously. Dude would fucking go after people with cheese graters, for fucks' sake. Anyway, he was "fighting" this other dude, Vic Grimes, in a scaffold match, which more or less is the dumbest shit ever. If the tights weren't dumb enough, these two decided that the only way to go higher was to go way up in the air, and then eventually throw a motherfucker off. You can read all about it here.
So New Jack gets legitimately fucked up from this. Brain damage, blah blah blah. What does he do??? Sets up another scaffold match, but this time, even higher. And what's so funny about this is New Jack's recollection of the even. I will attempt to transcribe it as best I can.

New Jack: So we're forty feet up in the air, and I have this 350 volt taser. And I hit the motherfucker four, five times, eight in the neck. And he's all, "Jack, Jack, I can't feel my legs." And I said, "Don't worry Vic. I got you." And then I threw him off the scaffold.

What the fuck??? This cracks me up twofold: 1) He goes from four, to five, and then jumps to eight. That's a lot to take a taser to the neck. 2) Vic Grimes mentions that he cannot feel his legs. New Jack's response?? Do not worry, I have got you. And I am going to toss your ass 40 feet through the air. And then about two minutes later, New Jack basically says that he threw Vic Grimes harder than he should, with the explicit intent to kill him. Yeah. New Jack is hardcore. I'm willing to bet that if you had a gun and shot at him, the bullet would stop a foot away from him and say, "Uh uh, nigga. I ain't fuckin' wit' dat dawg right there. You on yo' own.".

Wrestling is so goddamn awesome. Or rather, it used to be....

Chilling.

2007-10-16T11:19:00.001-04:00

I don't know how to make the image any bigger, but basically what you're looking at is Mickey Mouse planning to blow his goddamn head off. Click on the image for a bigger shot of it. The last panel is just fucking brilliant.
Am I wrong?

I also have an image of the contraption he sets up to off himself, plus him jumping off a bridge, and then him trying to use gas to put himself out of his misery. If you wanna see that, let me know and I'll throw it up here.

Nerd alert!

2007-10-15T10:06:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I am a giant nerd. Whatev. I spent most of last night drinking and reading Ultimate X-Men, cos a) I really fucking like the Ultimate Marvel line. It's all the kick-assery of comics without 40 years of continuity("Umm...but wasn't Wolverine in Weapon X in the 70's?? Or was it right after WWII??? I'm confused....and why is Spider-Man so weepy about fucking Uncle Ben?!? He can go to the store and get some goddamned more!!"), and they've gone ahead and gotten ride of some of the more retarded aspects of comics. Don't get me wrong, I like a good space opera as much as the next guy, but seriously Chris Claremont, I think you've fucking lost it, bro. This ain't the 80's anymore, and the kids are a little more hep to gayness. Oh yeah, b) I really like X-Men. I'm sorry. They were the first comic that I ever ended up buying, and it was primarily cos this chick I met when I moved to Augsburg, her family had a fucking stack of X-Men comics in the bathroom. I used to pretend to have to take a dump so I could go in there and read comics.
And cut me some slack, I was like, 11. Hormones had yet to take over my brain, so comics were way more important than girls at that point. But I do remember going over there one time to take her her homework(as she was sick), and she did have a t-shirt on with no bra. Ahhh, the first time you ever see pokies....

I'm sure that Anna is all pleased about that, so I'm just going to continue on about what a huge dork I am, reading comics on my computer and drinking 40's. Yeah, who's the man? Obviously not me.

Mark it here, so I can't back down: within three mos. I am going to begin filming, that means actually holding a camera and pretending in front of it, a television pilot that I hope I can get some stupid television exec to give me money to make more of. I'm hoping that it's going to be funny, but then again my sense of humor is skewed and warped. Big time. Someone mentioned putting it on YouTube when it's finished(or is it Youtube??? I don't know, I'm not very hip these days...), but I want to make cash with this. I'm thinking maybe some clips, but not the whole shebang. You want that shit, you're going to have to get cable, cos that's where I want to end up. Cable is like the ghetto of the television system. Seriously. It's where the stuff that's either not good enough or just way too goddamn edgy for broadcast networks goes. The reason I'm shooting for cable is twofold: 1. They're way more lax about what goes on, cos they're basically just looking for programming so they don't have to air 'Seinfeld' or 'Friends' for six hours every day. 2. I really want to say things like "shit", "dickhead", and "asshole" on my television show. I have a dirty filthy mouth and I want all of America to know it. My mother is going to be so proud.
"My son has a television show on some backwater cable channel. It's great."
"What channel?"
"Umm....."
I can picture that conversation now. Her going to the church that she goes to, telling everyone that her son is now a somewhat big deal(a medium deal?? an average deal?????) with his silly little television show, and then refusing to tell people what channel it's on, all because I called Ryan an asshole or a dickfore. My mom is great like that.

But yeah, the show is being written now, and when the current draft is done, we're going to act the whole thing out, see how it rolls. Then we re-write the draft, act that out, and then maybe go for a third one. I don't know, I've never really done anything like this before, and I don't have any training on how to do it, either. I'm just writing what I think is funny and going from there. So hell, maybe if this works out I'm going to be on Jimmy Kimmel or some shit explaining why I think pooping in the trunk of a car is hilarious.

Fucking wow.

2007-10-11T20:15:00.000-04:00

Anne Coultier, everyone's favorite dog-faced conservative blowhole has said something totally awesome again.
Basically, she has said that Jews are "imperfect Christians".
Seriously. You can read the whole conversation that she had on some show on Fox News here. And you should go check it out. While you do that, I'm going to go look for pictures of drunk chicks.

Done? You pissed? Good, you should be. Cos the shit that comes out of this woman's mouth every time she opens it is simply mind-blowing. I mean it. She's like the verbal equivalent of a .45 slug to the dome. I'm surprised that there is brain matter and skull chunks all over the back of my wall after reading that. What kills me is that she doesn't see it as anti-semitic. I guess if the Bible said that all black people liked fried chicken, grape soda, and dancing, that wouldn't be racist. Or if the Bible says that all gay men are effeminate fabulous fuck machines, it wouldn't be bigoted. Whatever the Bible says cannot be seen in any hateful light, cos the Bible is all about love.
Except for the parts when god is telling people to kill their first borne son, just to see if he really believes. Personally, I think that's a little fucked up, but that's not what we're here to rap about.
I really think it's great that all these Conservatives rail against how racist and evil the Liberals are, and then they say shit like this. At some point, I am just going to move to another country, like Germany, where they don't pretend that they aren't racist. They let you know outright, "Yeah, we fucking hate the Turks. They're filthy and they're taking all our shit jobs." I think that if you hate someone cos of the imaginary friend they swear allegiance to, or the color of their skin, then you should at least be man enough(that goes for you too, Anne, you dog-faced bitch) to back it up. Don't hide behind a book that was written 2,000 years ago by a bunch of semi-literate cave dwellers.

Jesus Christ, I fucking swear that one I'm old enough, I'm going to run for President and then I'm going to win. And I'm going to detonate every nuke on this goddamn planet to end this once and for all. People say that, "...we can change, we can make things different. All we have to do is stand up and blah blah blah blah". Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit. We're all a bunch of pricks, and there's probably five good people in this whole bastard planet, and I'm willing to bet that three of them are cartoon characters and the other two are retarded. That Corky guy, I'm willing to be that he's awright. But I'm probably wrong about that. He's probably got a taste for hookers and degrading sex. And I bet he does enough cocaine to put down a goddamn whale. But that's just me, and I'm probably wrong.

Never listen to the Blacklight Cobra

2007-09-23T06:26:00.000-04:00

I'm going through some sort of withdrawal to console gaming, as I purchased a Gamecube today, a refurbished model that only set me back about $40. I've always had a little soft spot in my heart for the 'Cube, mostly cos of Viewtiful Joe, Resident Evil 4, Ikaruga, and a few other little weird quirky titles that didn't really show up anywhere else. I was sort of looking for a GBA, but those fuckers run $59.99 used. Fuck that. I saw that 'Cube at the magic price point, and viola, the decision was made.
With it came Paper Mario, as fun an RPG there ever was made. I mean, dude, you get to smash Koopa Koops in the fucking balls with a hammer. How awesome is that?
I wanted to get Ikaruga, but they wanted $40 for it. Fuck that, bro. That shit is coming out on XBLA in like, a month or so. I'll grab it for less cash and with better graphics to boot. I wonder, though, will it still support putting your TV on end in order to make the playing field longer????

I know I said I'd blog more than I did at the other blog, and I want to, it's just that there's a lot of shit that's going on that's keeping me away from the computer these days. Why I'm sitting here at this ungodly hour writing this is beyond me.
Oh yeah, waiting for the Tylenol PM to kick in, and covering it with beer. That's it...

More sharing

2007-09-13T22:14:00.000-04:00

These are mannequins. And they are fucked up. It's like someone gave a chick fake tits, and then thought it would be a good idea to use massive gumdrops for nipples. Freaky.

And if you beat off to this sort of shit, shame on you.

I'm a good person.

2007-09-13T21:13:00.001-04:00

I found something for you guys, and I found it cos I'm a giver.

Check it out.

There's just something about a midget poured into latex.

Who are you?

2007-09-13T00:33:00.000-04:00

I used to rip on people that liked CSI, mostly cos I thought it was an empty stupid show with no redeeming qualities. It appears that I will have to rip on myself now. For more than my tiny peepee.

I like the show cos every single episode follows the exact same fucking format. They find a body, Grissom and his ass partners show up, Grissom makes some stupid joke, they do CSI shit to solve the case, they yell at the hipster CSI, they solve the case, and then Grissom takes everyone home and bakes them cookies.
Actually, that last part isn't in there, but can't you imagine how great it would be??

"Careful kids, I just took them out of the oven and their still a little hot...hey Black Guy CSI, isn't that your pager going off? Yeah, I guess you don't get any this time..."

Bastards! Collect them all!

2007-09-12T22:38:00.000-04:00

So I'm fucking working all over-nights at work next week, and ordinarily that wouldn't piss me off. Well, working period pisses me off, but this wouldn't like, push me over the edge or anything. What irritates me is that I'm not going to have a single weekend off, which totally fucks my ability to do shit.
Going anywhere for a day? Nope, not happening.
Doing laundry? Can't, I go to the 'rents for that shit, and if I'm working an overnight, I'm not getting up until 1 or 2 or some shit, and then driving the 40mins to Bath...to do laundry all day? No, fuck that.

So basically I got fucked hard by agreeing to do overnights for these people. I'm assuming that they were able to find someone to do overnights for the two days I have off, and then they just saddled me with the rest of it. Whatever. Sooner or later, this blog shit is going to make me famous, and then I'll never have to get dressed. I'll just wake up, and blast some funny shit out of my ass for you guys. But not like poop, I mean words and shit.
Oh, to dream...

Wrapping it up, I got a couple old posts from Myspace that I'll clean up and move over here, just cos I thought they were really funny, and I think that all the people who read them the first time might as well read them again here. Cos I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have any new readers. At least not until the billboards go up...

Yesterday was Christmas for terrorists.

2007-09-12T12:22:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was the 6 year anniversary of 9/11 and all the talk radio hosts made a big hullabaloo about it. Which was to be expected, after all. The most important things in this country right now are, in this order: illegal immigration, a bunch of other shit, and the War on Terror. It's pretty sad that they all realize how well the War on Terror is going(Skeletor is still running amok, Megatron has just struck Austin, and Doctors Doom, Octapus, and Death are feared to be planning another terror attack on little Timmy Johnson, age 5), so now we have to suddenly switch gears and decide that a bunch of Mexicans picking lettuce is the most important thing in this country right now.
Mike Gallagher, or however you spell his name, was talking about how Rudy Gulliani, or however you spell his name, didn't think that illegal immigration was a crime. He then went on to mock ol' Rudy, and asked him if he didn't think that getting rid of rapists, and drunk drivers was that big of an issue. Like we get rid of them and then all of the sudden, the streets will be safe for idiot drivers and loose women to just frolic around. Hah. Americans love three things: cars, beer, and rape. Seriously. If we could somehow find a way to drive a car drunk and simultaneously rape someone, we'd be all over it. Seriously though, America does love cars and beer, and often at the same time; why do you think there is such a drunk driving problem in this country?? Hell, I'm pretty sure that George Washington wrote the Constitution drunk, after taking a wagon home from "Ye Olde Waterin' Hole".
So we get rid of all these illegals, who are coming over here people, they are coming over here and stealing our jobs. I remember how when I was a young boy, I wanted nothing more than to pick lettuce or garbage on the highways. Imagine my horror and outrage when I found out that Juan was already doing it, and the son of a bitch was doing it for way cheaper than I ever would have. Son of a bitch!

They make it sound like some poor fucker goes to med school for years and years, only to get out and find that his dreams of Lexus' and golf afternoons have been rendered null and void by Dr. Sanchez from Mexico City, who is currently working for $17,000 a year. Imagine his pain.

So yeah, yesterday was the six year anniversary of 9/11and everyone was going on and on about Iraq, and bin Laden, and blah blah blah. I spent it much like I spent the first 9/11, which was asleep for a better part of the day. The talk radio hosts were asking callers, themselves, and I imagine metaphorically their listeners' whether we, as Americans, have learned anything from 9/11. A lot of them were talking shit about how they learned to love this country, and how they learned that we are not safe, and that they learned Paris Hilton is a ginormous whore. You know what I learned? Planes blow up really good. Buildings, not so much.
Also, I learned that terrorists are bad. I didn't know that before. I thought that terrorists were just these goofy guys that hung out in the Middle East and talked shit about the West in between games of Uno. They might have even had some touch football games going, who knows? Now I know that they fucking hate the shit out of me and everything I stand for, which honestly...isn't much. I mean, if they want to waste their time on a dude that thinks DC comics are pretty much shit, that's their business, and their time. I'm not over here in America saying, "Those terrorists would be okay if only they would stop kidnapping civilian contractors and decapitating them on the web. Other than that, I got no beef with them.". I'm also not critiquing their choice of gods, either. That's they business.

Okay, so first one down. Maybe the others will be funny. No promises, though.