Oh yeah

Oh yeah, I wanted to mention the whole Twitter thing.  Yeah, I have a twitter.  You’re probably here from Facebook, so you’ve got it.  If not, mention in a comment and I’ll throw it out there.
I want to be down with Twitter.  So hard.  But I just don’t feel important enough to deal with it.  I got TweetDeck, had my shit up, was reading it, but I found myself reading more than I posted.  And then I figured:  “Who gives a fuck when I toast a bagel?  Are any of my friends sitting around wondering what I’m doing at 1:17pm EST???”
I like my friends, but no, they are not doing that.  No more than I am them.  Sorry Anna, I just figure it’s work.  Like I’m sure you figure it’s either ignoring the Peanut, video games, and/or masturbating.  Answer:  ignoring the Peanut.  Gross.
With all that said, I am saying I will keep my Twitter, my primary usage will be for a few newsfeeds, and JK Broadrick’s info.  I will not be deleting anyone, cos I’ll still read it, I’m just saying that I don’t see much of a purpose of me posting the entirety of my life at 140 characters a time.  Fucking Ashton Kutcher does that. 

Also:  Netflix, if you’re reading, sending me the US Theatrical Cut of ‘Dawn of the Dead’???  Fucking mad gay.

Boo-yah shakka!

I was about to say how I spelled that wrong, but last I checked there’s no proper way to spell it.  So eat it.
So we all know, the proper set up for this is font Times, size 10.  For further reference.  So I know how to format this bitch.

So yes, it’s been some month and some dates since I last did something, and I was all, “Meeeeeaaah, got Windows Live and I can just load a program and blog from that, so I’ll do it a whole bunch now!!!  Yeah, and you can all come on and revel in the endlessly cynical racist bullshit that comes out of my brain!!!”
And to you, the reader, all I can say is:  my bad.  Seriously.  My.  Bad. 

I think the problem is that my blog output increases the more dissatisfied and unhappy I am with my life.  And to be honest with you, despite all the lame shit that is going on right now, or all the awesome shit that isn’t happening right now, the honest truth is that I’m pretty goddamn happy with my life.  I’m in a really good place right now, a place that five years ago I wouldn’t have seen myself in due to my own general emotional retardation.  And this weird self-destructive component that seems to be part of every American male, be it dormant or dominant. 
So while there is still plenty of fucked up filth on the internet for me to comment and make fun of, the problem is that I can’t really look at it, cos my kid is around.  And no one wants to be the guy that is doing blog research about “fisting” while his kid hugs his leg.  And if there is someone that’s totally cool with that, I’m not.  So I guess until I get a job that gives me unfettered ‘Net access, this is what you’re going to get for awhile.  Suck it down!

Things that I am currently digging want to talk about how much I love:
1.  Netflix over XBox Live- This shit is so fucking sweet.  I’ve just been slurping down ‘Heroes’ S. 1 like it’s going out of style, and I’m so jazzed for that.  It’s DVD quality, it’s right there, and you can get as much of it as you can stomach.  Which, if you’re me, is a whole fucking bunch.  I mean, we’re talking hours.  What?  Mother-in-Law is here, and she is going crazy about that baby.  I seriously almost feel bad if I get in that babies way.  And Anna, since you are going to read this, it is not a joke.  No sarcasm involved.  I don’t even want to touch that baby in front of your mother, for fear that I am depriving her of a chance to hold her.
How any of this has to deal with Netflix is beyond me.  But I digress.
It’s great, you can watch a bunch of movies through your XBox on a TV as opposed to a 15” laptop screen.  It’s great. 

2.  My Bloody Valentine’s ‘Feed Me With Your Kiss’. 

3.  Star Trek- Not “Star Trek” as a whole, but the most recent movie.  Don’t get me wrong, Star Trek is fucking awesome, save ‘Insurrection’ and the first two seasons of ‘Enterprise’.  But overall, come on.  Realistic(sort of) space travel???  Awesome.  And yeah, I’m totally pumped about the new Star Trek MMO.  But the most recent movie???  Nailed it.  Seriously.  Did everyone do all the same goofy shit as the ‘60’s?  No.  But that’s now what Star Trek is.  Star Trek is exciting shit happening, nailing bitches, and blowing shit up.  So it’s like, 1/3 of the Navy today.  For most people.  Which makes sense, cos they follow the whole Navy system of doing shit(rank, bunking, amount of decent bitches).  But yeah, awesome.
And for all those douchers saying, “Eeeeah, the Enterprise looks like the Apple Store!!”  FUCK YOU.  It’s the fucking future, dick breath.  What’s it going to look like, Sharper Image???  Fuck you!  The future is shiny, it is clean lines, and it is white backgrounds under an inch or two of lucite. 
And Apple is the fucking future, dickwad.  iPod, iPhone, iMac…eNterprise?? 

4.  Fallout 3.  Until I beat it.  In like, 30-something hours.  Never used a mini-nuke.  Trying to find a reason to re-play it.

5.  Zombies.  Because they’re dead, and yet they hunger for human flesh.  And it’s the closest I’ll ever come to being able to murder hundreds upon thousands of people.  With a fucking chainsaw.

AND THAT’S AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!

Fear is not the only mindkiller

So it’s starting to get annoying, cos I’m getting to the point where the National Guard is shaping up to be the only real opportunity.  And I am not a military dude.  Not that I couldn’t physically do it, but those of you out there that know me know I am not one of those people that deals well with what people like to call “authority”.  I can do what I’m told, but I have a tendency to dwell and simmer on slights, perceived or otherwise.  Also:  no huge desire to spend massive amounts of time away from my family.  And they’ll make me cut my hair.  And so on, and so on, and so on….
Wasn’t Obama supposed to fix all this shit?  Where are the jobs, raining down forth from the heavens, showering us all with their bountiful pay??  I look up, don’t see shit. 
I was actually excited about this, at one point.  Staying home with the kid, guiding her, shaping her, making her hate as I do.  Now it’s just…meh.  Don’t get me wrong, still enjoy the time with the baby, but it’s the not getting out of the house, it’s the not interacting with people, it’s the not having any money to get shitfaced on the weekends with. 

Bah.  I’m done with this.  This is not a melodrama blog.  This is a funny blog.  To prove that, here is a picture of a robot masturbating.

Okay, that didn’t happen.  But if you Google Image Search “robot masturbating”, you’ll find an entirely new subsect of porn that I am disturbed to know exists.

It’s about magic

Part of the reason that I didn’t post as much as I did is that it was a pain.  Yes, I am that lazy.  Actually, it was more about consistency on my part:  if the text size doesn’t match from entry to entry, I get angry, cos the flow of it is all fucked up. 

So I went and installed the Windows7 beta and got all hopped up on this Windows Live thing, which just happens to include this Windows Live Writer, which allows me to connect to the blog and more tightly control the text size.  I know that Blogspot allows this, too, but for whatever reason it was always a pain in the ass for me.  Primarily because I have been known to indulge in weed, and that makes it hard for me to remember things like, “Did I use Small text or Smaller?” and “Where did I leave the baby?”.

Which reminds me. 

I have another blog, too, which I set up cos Andrea thought it would be fun for you all to read about how much I hate my child due to her screaming for hours on end, and the fact that I constantly have to make sure she isn’t headed for Head Trauma Central.  I sort of thought that I should as well, because I have a daughter now, and I feel weird when I write about the cute shit that she does(OMG she has teefus!!!1; OMG she’s standing on her own!!!1) being part of the same blog(not necessarily the same post) that I write about my excessive hatred for Miley Cyrus and how I hope that some day she is found in a ditch somewhere, raped to the point of catatonia. 

I know, some of you are shocked.  “I have a daughter now,” you are saying to your screen, which is weird because I can not hear you.  “What if that happens to her?!?!”  I realize this, and it’s something that I have rationalized away by knowing that I am a horrible asshole, and that bad things are going to happen to me, not her.  And let’s face it, if that shit was going to happen, she would have been born a horrific tumor of flesh and mewling, because I have said and done some shit in my day.

So yeah, I have a stay at home dad blog, it just won’t be updated much(well, you’re used to that), cos I doubt that most of you want to read about how I ignore her and look at girls boobies online, how I feed her mush while trying to watch shitty movies, and how I ignore her and play XBox.  That shit is boring.

Also:  I don’t know if any of you have read Tucker Max, but a good 90% of his stories are pretty hilarious.  As Ryan has brought up, there is some questionable validity to his writing, but that’s besides the point.  Funny is funny.  If placed in a context of actually happening, it’s fucking hilarious.  Where I’m going with this, is I have done some awful shit in my day.  It just happens to be funny, because it was done to random anonymous people that went to Bowdoin College, so you know they’re rich trust fund fuckers, and those people rank one step above sex offenders.  Which means you can do anything you want to them, and it’s not bad.  Let me know if you want to read some of them.

Been awhile

Sorry I haven’t been around.  I wish I could say that I’ve been doing something awesome, like secretly tainting blood supplies in predominantly homosexual communities with AIDS, but I haven’t and that’s just wrong.  Mostly I’ve been sitting at home, watching shitty daytime television and keeping the child from sticking whatever metal implement I’m letting her play with at the moment in whatever outlet she happens to be around.  Because first and foremost, I am a good father.

So anyway, it’s April, which means that we are once again free from the oppressive winter overlord.  We moved into a new apartment, as those of you that are here from Facebook already know, and it is good.  Being above ground is sweet, especially after having spent an entire year in a basement.  Security is cool at first, but then you realize like that “windows” aren’t just because teenagers need something to throw rocks at.  Them shits is important.

Unless it’s fucking 6:30am and your house faces eastward.  Then you crave the cold clammy basement.  I’m seriously thinking of tin-foiling the fuck out of these windows.  Let the neighbors think I’m crazy, it’ll keep the fuckers away from the car.

I know, I sound like a bitch.  “You wanted these precious windows, you asshole,” you say to me in my head.  “You wanted to get above ground like a real person, and see what the fuss is about.”
”Yes, this is true,” I reply back to you, also in my head.  “But as a person, I reserve the right to bitch and complain and reverse my decision all the fucking time.  It’s called being an American, and I fucking rule at it.  Now get out of my head.”.

But other than that, the moving thing, I’ve got nothing to really tell you all about.  Yes, we’ve all seen ‘Watchmen’ and know how fucking good it was."  Yes, we all know that Alan Moore is officially a pissy old dude with a creepy beard and tells people he’s into magic and shit(really Alan??  In the 21st century???).  Yes, I’m going to sit here and tell you that I’m going to work harder at updating this, not that it matters; the three of you that probably read this are long gone, bound for finer pastures.  But honestly, I will.  I have a new program that lets me do this shit without even logging into the blog.  And I fucking love technology that makes it easier, almost rewarding you, for being lazy.  Now if' you’ll excuse me, I have some creepy anime to watch.  I’ll talk to you about it later.

Goddamn you, internet

At what point did the Internet become legitamate?
Seriously, at what point did people start using the Internet as a way to prove the validity of something. The Internet, as far as I'm concerned, is best used for the following three things, in this order: Keeping touch with people that are far away, thus alleviating the need for phone calls; reading about video games/comics/movies that are coming out and keeping up with the snarky, "I could do better than this on my worst day" comments/message boards that go along with them; and to watch a 10min movie of two chicks banging each other. That's it.
Now all of the sudden(READ: as of the past five years....I'm slow), people are sourcing Wikipedia for papers, both high school and college, people are talking on television about how awesome their band is based on how many plays it gets on MySpace, and a celebrity will determine how awesome she is based on how many people look for them topless on Google.

I got something to tell you. The best part of the Internet is that any random asshole can contribute to it. Back in the day, knowledge was exclusive. Only a certain group of people could band together and decide, "Okay, this part about how to plant food is totally worth remembering. That part about the goats shitting blood, we can collectively forget that as a society. It does nothing for us."
BUT NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!
That little club of deciding shit, that little group of fuckers that get to pick and choose what we get to pass down through generations, those old white men who decide that Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with....no longer do they alone get to decide what we know. Now we will never forget that some dude stuck a glass vase up his ass and that shit broke. Now we'll know, FOREVER, the best way to put two hands inside someone is also referred to as "the bellows". And we'll also know that Obama was actually born in Kenya from a alien Muslim robot. So seriously, making him President is paramount to suicide, America. I hope you're happy.

However, the fact that anyone can add to the Internet is also the worst part about it. Sure, some of the porn has been weeded out, but like that above link shows, a lot moe fucked up shit has taken its place. I never saw girls eating shitting real poo into a real glass, then eating fake poo out of said real glass when I was connecting at 14.4. Sure, I saw some vadge, but it wasn't moving. And there sure as shit wasn't a serious chance for possible injury. Like internal bleeding and shit. Jesus.
But then the technology to transfer those creepy weird tapes you made while on that mescaline bender got all cheap, and a friend of yours decided that you know what? That shit was funny. And you still owed him $50. So that shit was going online. And now everyone gets to see how you bleed out of your ass.

My point is that you fucking retards should stop acting like the Internet is some vast depository of knowledge. It is, but it's the vast depository of knowledge that's hidden under tons of garbage, rotting meat, and the occasional video of a man mutilating his back door. The literal diamond in a turd.

Someone needs to talk to these kids

Livebait /laɪv/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [lahyv beyt]- The act of saying racist or homophobic things that do not necessarily reflect your view or beliefs to whip the teenage fuckheads that inhabit XBox Live into such a fury that they are incapable of forming a coherent insult, falling back on a series of 'faggot', 'homo' and other homosexually related insults, and/or stuttering. See also: Flamebait

So last night, I was playing 'Grand Theft Auto IV' on Live with Sean, and I'd almost forgotten about the fact that more retarded teenagers inhabit Live than actual normal human beings. Last time I was on Live, I was told that I'd played Halo 3, "...like a nigger"; I'm sure that had it been a game of Madden, that would have been a compliment. However, as black people are much less suited for futuristic guerrilla warfare than white people, this is not a compliment, and more of a put-down. I also heard the word "homo" bandied about quite a bit, which confused me. I thought that in the future, when confronted with an external enemy that wished for our destruction, we would put aside trivial matters such as ass fucking, scissoring, and even docking. Apparently not. Apparently even in the 26th century, if you are a dude and put a penis in your mouth, you are not a valued member of society or the military.
Anyway, getting to the point of this entry, we were jamming out on Live, Sean and I, and we were just riding around in cars, shooting and running down pedestrians for our own amusement. It was Free Mode, which encourages these things. At no point did we attempt to engage anyone else, and for the most part we were on our own private chat line, talking about shit we hated and cartoons, etc. At some point, we decided to get a bunch of people in a bus with a shitload of ammo and just drive around, totally fucking shit up. It seemed like a great plan, and there were a few people that were down with it.
But then we found the kids that weren't.

I know they were kids cos one of them was still looking at a good five years before his balls dropped, and the other thought that the worst insult one could level at another was "faggot". Adults know that there are far worse things you can say, things such as "Mexican" or "Republican". But hey, they'll figure it out, they're young. Either way, I forget what started it- oh wait, no I don't. In order to get the little fuckers pissed, Sean did what I'd like to call 'Live Baiting'. One of the boys was obvious a dark skinned fellow, so Sean dropped the 'nigger' card, and boy, did it hop off from there.
Using everything that he'd learned from whatever hip-hop musician is popular right now, he proceeded to let us know that we were obviously faggots, as only gay people use racial slurs. That hurts my feelings, I use shitloads of them, and to the best of my, my wife's, my child, and my penis' knowledge, I'm not gay. My balls have not returned any phonecalls, but they've been known to drink, so I'm sure they're still asleep. I'm okay with being called a faggot; I'm used to it, I went to public school and I wasn't a popular kid. I heard it a lot. And it was my brother's favorite insult as well. Well, second if you don't count homo as the same word.
But someone needs to tell these kids what and what does not constitute being a homo. Someone should sit them down and explain that if you refer to someone as a, "sweet faggot", that's not so much an insult on your part, but sort of a compliment...if you are gay. During the hey-day of the KKK, do you think that the Klan would sit around and figure out which sweet nigger's yard they wanted to go burn a cross in? Do you think the Nazi's would have arguements over which sweet kike they wanted to gas first? I'm guessing that they didn't, they probably used another word, something like "goddamn" or "fucking". You generally don't use sweet as an adjective if you are speaking derogatorily about something. Generally. Not that I'm some sort of linguist(except the cunning kind...GET IT?!?!?!?!?!), or anything like that, but it just seems like it makes sense. When someone asks you how you're doing, you don't say, "I'd be better, if I didn't have this sweet brain cancer". That's generally how things work, right?
Also- we should explain to the youth exactly what does and does not constitute homosexual behavior. One of the little whippersnappers had expressed a desire for me to come over to his house and suck his dick. I explained to the lad that this constituted the very homosexual behavior that he was chiding me for engaging in. He said that it didn't. If another man sucks your dick, that doesn't make you gay. And I'd sort of be inclined to agree with him, depending upon how good your imagination was. However, if you want another man to suck your dick, then that would make you and the man sucking your dick gay. I mean, think about it. If your desire is for someone of the same sex to pleasure you orally, then you are gay. If you are a woman and want another woman to insert both of her hands up to the elbows in your vagina, you're gay. If you're a man and you want another man to thrust a two-liter bottle sized dildo into your ass and perforate your colon, you're gay.

I don't want anyone here to think that I have anything against gay people. I don't. I just want the future of our country to know how to properly use someone's sexual orientation as an insult. I want these kids to do this shit right. If you're going to make fun of the person driving over your digital corpse for engaging in filthy, decadent, lubed up homo sex, make sure that you yourself do not put yourself in the position of appearing to enjoy the same behavior. That's just not how you insult someone. I'm not going to go to a sex club, stand up and point at the performers, and yell, "Oh my god, that's fucking disgusting!!! How can you put your penis in her vagina!! That shit is sick!!!" It lacks impact. You cannot be guilty of the same behavior that you are ridiculing. It damages your credibility. And when you're 15 years old, you really don't have much credibility in the first place.