At what point did the Internet become legitamate?
Seriously, at what point did people start using the Internet as a way to prove the validity of something. The Internet, as far as I'm concerned, is best used for the following three things, in this order: Keeping touch with people that are far away, thus alleviating the need for phone calls; reading about video games/comics/movies that are coming out and keeping up with the snarky, "I could do better than this on my worst day" comments/message boards that go along with them; and to watch a 10min movie of two chicks banging each other. That's it.
Now all of the sudden(READ: as of the past five years....I'm slow), people are sourcing Wikipedia for papers, both high school and college, people are talking on television about how awesome their band is based on how many plays it gets on MySpace, and a celebrity will determine how awesome she is based on how many people look for them topless on Google.
I got something to tell you. The best part of the Internet is that any random asshole can contribute to it. Back in the day, knowledge was exclusive. Only a certain group of people could band together and decide, "Okay, this part about how to plant food is totally worth remembering. That part about the goats shitting blood, we can collectively forget that as a society. It does nothing for us."
BUT NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!
That little club of deciding shit, that little group of fuckers that get to pick and choose what we get to pass down through generations, those old white men who decide that Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with....no longer do they alone get to decide what we know. Now we will never forget that some dude stuck a glass vase up his ass and that shit broke. Now we'll know, FOREVER, the best way to put two hands inside someone is also referred to as "the bellows". And we'll also know that Obama was actually born in Kenya from a alien Muslim robot. So seriously, making him President is paramount to suicide, America. I hope you're happy.
However, the fact that anyone can add to the Internet is also the worst part about it. Sure, some of the porn has been weeded out, but like that above link shows, a lot moe fucked up shit has taken its place. I never saw girls eating shitting real poo into a real glass, then eating fake poo out of said real glass when I was connecting at 14.4. Sure, I saw some vadge, but it wasn't moving. And there sure as shit wasn't a serious chance for possible injury. Like internal bleeding and shit. Jesus.
But then the technology to transfer those creepy weird tapes you made while on that mescaline bender got all cheap, and a friend of yours decided that you know what? That shit was funny. And you still owed him $50. So that shit was going online. And now everyone gets to see how you bleed out of your ass.
My point is that you fucking retards should stop acting like the Internet is some vast depository of knowledge. It is, but it's the vast depository of knowledge that's hidden under tons of garbage, rotting meat, and the occasional video of a man mutilating his back door. The literal diamond in a turd.
12.30.2008
12.23.2008
Someone needs to talk to these kids
Livebait [lahyv beyt]- The act of saying racist or homophobic things that do not necessarily reflect your view or beliefs to whip the teenage fuckheads that inhabit XBox Live into such a fury that they are incapable of forming a coherent insult, falling back on a series of 'faggot', 'homo' and other homosexually related insults, and/or stuttering. See also: Flamebait
So last night, I was playing 'Grand Theft Auto IV' on Live with Sean, and I'd almost forgotten about the fact that more retarded teenagers inhabit Live than actual normal human beings. Last time I was on Live, I was told that I'd played Halo 3, "...like a nigger"; I'm sure that had it been a game of Madden, that would have been a compliment. However, as black people are much less suited for futuristic guerrilla warfare than white people, this is not a compliment, and more of a put-down. I also heard the word "homo" bandied about quite a bit, which confused me. I thought that in the future, when confronted with an external enemy that wished for our destruction, we would put aside trivial matters such as ass fucking, scissoring, and even docking. Apparently not. Apparently even in the 26th century, if you are a dude and put a penis in your mouth, you are not a valued member of society or the military.
Anyway, getting to the point of this entry, we were jamming out on Live, Sean and I, and we were just riding around in cars, shooting and running down pedestrians for our own amusement. It was Free Mode, which encourages these things. At no point did we attempt to engage anyone else, and for the most part we were on our own private chat line, talking about shit we hated and cartoons, etc. At some point, we decided to get a bunch of people in a bus with a shitload of ammo and just drive around, totally fucking shit up. It seemed like a great plan, and there were a few people that were down with it.
But then we found the kids that weren't.
I know they were kids cos one of them was still looking at a good five years before his balls dropped, and the other thought that the worst insult one could level at another was "faggot". Adults know that there are far worse things you can say, things such as "Mexican" or "Republican". But hey, they'll figure it out, they're young. Either way, I forget what started it- oh wait, no I don't. In order to get the little fuckers pissed, Sean did what I'd like to call 'Live Baiting'. One of the boys was obvious a dark skinned fellow, so Sean dropped the 'nigger' card, and boy, did it hop off from there.
Using everything that he'd learned from whatever hip-hop musician is popular right now, he proceeded to let us know that we were obviously faggots, as only gay people use racial slurs. That hurts my feelings, I use shitloads of them, and to the best of my, my wife's, my child, and my penis' knowledge, I'm not gay. My balls have not returned any phonecalls, but they've been known to drink, so I'm sure they're still asleep. I'm okay with being called a faggot; I'm used to it, I went to public school and I wasn't a popular kid. I heard it a lot. And it was my brother's favorite insult as well. Well, second if you don't count homo as the same word.
But someone needs to tell these kids what and what does not constitute being a homo. Someone should sit them down and explain that if you refer to someone as a, "sweet faggot", that's not so much an insult on your part, but sort of a compliment...if you are gay. During the hey-day of the KKK, do you think that the Klan would sit around and figure out which sweet nigger's yard they wanted to go burn a cross in? Do you think the Nazi's would have arguements over which sweet kike they wanted to gas first? I'm guessing that they didn't, they probably used another word, something like "goddamn" or "fucking". You generally don't use sweet as an adjective if you are speaking derogatorily about something. Generally. Not that I'm some sort of linguist(except the cunning kind...GET IT?!?!?!?!?!), or anything like that, but it just seems like it makes sense. When someone asks you how you're doing, you don't say, "I'd be better, if I didn't have this sweet brain cancer". That's generally how things work, right?
Also- we should explain to the youth exactly what does and does not constitute homosexual behavior. One of the little whippersnappers had expressed a desire for me to come over to his house and suck his dick. I explained to the lad that this constituted the very homosexual behavior that he was chiding me for engaging in. He said that it didn't. If another man sucks your dick, that doesn't make you gay. And I'd sort of be inclined to agree with him, depending upon how good your imagination was. However, if you want another man to suck your dick, then that would make you and the man sucking your dick gay. I mean, think about it. If your desire is for someone of the same sex to pleasure you orally, then you are gay. If you are a woman and want another woman to insert both of her hands up to the elbows in your vagina, you're gay. If you're a man and you want another man to thrust a two-liter bottle sized dildo into your ass and perforate your colon, you're gay.
I don't want anyone here to think that I have anything against gay people. I don't. I just want the future of our country to know how to properly use someone's sexual orientation as an insult. I want these kids to do this shit right. If you're going to make fun of the person driving over your digital corpse for engaging in filthy, decadent, lubed up homo sex, make sure that you yourself do not put yourself in the position of appearing to enjoy the same behavior. That's just not how you insult someone. I'm not going to go to a sex club, stand up and point at the performers, and yell, "Oh my god, that's fucking disgusting!!! How can you put your penis in her vagina!! That shit is sick!!!" It lacks impact. You cannot be guilty of the same behavior that you are ridiculing. It damages your credibility. And when you're 15 years old, you really don't have much credibility in the first place.
So last night, I was playing 'Grand Theft Auto IV' on Live with Sean, and I'd almost forgotten about the fact that more retarded teenagers inhabit Live than actual normal human beings. Last time I was on Live, I was told that I'd played Halo 3, "...like a nigger"; I'm sure that had it been a game of Madden, that would have been a compliment. However, as black people are much less suited for futuristic guerrilla warfare than white people, this is not a compliment, and more of a put-down. I also heard the word "homo" bandied about quite a bit, which confused me. I thought that in the future, when confronted with an external enemy that wished for our destruction, we would put aside trivial matters such as ass fucking, scissoring, and even docking. Apparently not. Apparently even in the 26th century, if you are a dude and put a penis in your mouth, you are not a valued member of society or the military.
Anyway, getting to the point of this entry, we were jamming out on Live, Sean and I, and we were just riding around in cars, shooting and running down pedestrians for our own amusement. It was Free Mode, which encourages these things. At no point did we attempt to engage anyone else, and for the most part we were on our own private chat line, talking about shit we hated and cartoons, etc. At some point, we decided to get a bunch of people in a bus with a shitload of ammo and just drive around, totally fucking shit up. It seemed like a great plan, and there were a few people that were down with it.
But then we found the kids that weren't.
I know they were kids cos one of them was still looking at a good five years before his balls dropped, and the other thought that the worst insult one could level at another was "faggot". Adults know that there are far worse things you can say, things such as "Mexican" or "Republican". But hey, they'll figure it out, they're young. Either way, I forget what started it- oh wait, no I don't. In order to get the little fuckers pissed, Sean did what I'd like to call 'Live Baiting'. One of the boys was obvious a dark skinned fellow, so Sean dropped the 'nigger' card, and boy, did it hop off from there.
Using everything that he'd learned from whatever hip-hop musician is popular right now, he proceeded to let us know that we were obviously faggots, as only gay people use racial slurs. That hurts my feelings, I use shitloads of them, and to the best of my, my wife's, my child, and my penis' knowledge, I'm not gay. My balls have not returned any phonecalls, but they've been known to drink, so I'm sure they're still asleep. I'm okay with being called a faggot; I'm used to it, I went to public school and I wasn't a popular kid. I heard it a lot. And it was my brother's favorite insult as well. Well, second if you don't count homo as the same word.
But someone needs to tell these kids what and what does not constitute being a homo. Someone should sit them down and explain that if you refer to someone as a, "sweet faggot", that's not so much an insult on your part, but sort of a compliment...if you are gay. During the hey-day of the KKK, do you think that the Klan would sit around and figure out which sweet nigger's yard they wanted to go burn a cross in? Do you think the Nazi's would have arguements over which sweet kike they wanted to gas first? I'm guessing that they didn't, they probably used another word, something like "goddamn" or "fucking". You generally don't use sweet as an adjective if you are speaking derogatorily about something. Generally. Not that I'm some sort of linguist(except the cunning kind...GET IT?!?!?!?!?!), or anything like that, but it just seems like it makes sense. When someone asks you how you're doing, you don't say, "I'd be better, if I didn't have this sweet brain cancer". That's generally how things work, right?
Also- we should explain to the youth exactly what does and does not constitute homosexual behavior. One of the little whippersnappers had expressed a desire for me to come over to his house and suck his dick. I explained to the lad that this constituted the very homosexual behavior that he was chiding me for engaging in. He said that it didn't. If another man sucks your dick, that doesn't make you gay. And I'd sort of be inclined to agree with him, depending upon how good your imagination was. However, if you want another man to suck your dick, then that would make you and the man sucking your dick gay. I mean, think about it. If your desire is for someone of the same sex to pleasure you orally, then you are gay. If you are a woman and want another woman to insert both of her hands up to the elbows in your vagina, you're gay. If you're a man and you want another man to thrust a two-liter bottle sized dildo into your ass and perforate your colon, you're gay.
I don't want anyone here to think that I have anything against gay people. I don't. I just want the future of our country to know how to properly use someone's sexual orientation as an insult. I want these kids to do this shit right. If you're going to make fun of the person driving over your digital corpse for engaging in filthy, decadent, lubed up homo sex, make sure that you yourself do not put yourself in the position of appearing to enjoy the same behavior. That's just not how you insult someone. I'm not going to go to a sex club, stand up and point at the performers, and yell, "Oh my god, that's fucking disgusting!!! How can you put your penis in her vagina!! That shit is sick!!!" It lacks impact. You cannot be guilty of the same behavior that you are ridiculing. It damages your credibility. And when you're 15 years old, you really don't have much credibility in the first place.
12.15.2008
Top 10 Favorite Games of All Time
So I'm watching Resident Evil: Regeneration, which is not part of the shitty Milla Jovovich series, but a CGI series that is part of the game cannon. And it got me thinking about how two of my fave games are ResEvil. And then I got to thinking further, "Dude, you should talk about your top ten favorite games". I do this so you can either laugh at my nerdiness or agree with me. Disagreement is punished with scorn and ridicule. This is no particular order. And yes, I realize some of these are multi-platform, but for this entry I am giving the console on which I played the game the most.
10. Sonic The Hedgehog 3(Genesis)
This, for me, was the peak of 2D Sonic radness. Between the awesome Chaos Emerald bonus stages, to the sweet, sweet level design, there was nothing that wasn't great about this game. Not only that, but it was from the 16-bit era, which means that games had to be fun, otherwise they wouldn't get played. Graphics increases have made a lot of things awesome, but they haven't done anything for the fun. Now, a game can just look pretty, and it will sell. See Final Fantasy's continued existence on the non-handheld consoles.
9. Ninja Gaiden(XBox)
This game took up so much of my life, it's insane. I literally played it for about 4 mos. straight. Not like, 8hrs a day or nothing, but it was 4hrs here, 4 there. What can I say about this game? Deep combat system, awesome story, almost-RPG elements.....you're a fucking ninja. Yeah, this game has everything. The shitty camera system can sooooooooo be overlooked, just because the game itself is so great. Honestly, I felt more of an accomplishment beating this game than I did graduating high school. FACT.
8. Resident Evil 2(PlayStation)
Fucking zombies. How can you beat that shit, man? The first Resident Evil I played the holy hell out of. Once, I rented a PlayStation from Home Vision Video and since I didn't have a Memcard, I just left the thing on the whole weekend, so I wouldn't lose my progress. The game was that important to me. Imagine my excitement when a cousin let me use his PlayStation while he was doing something, and the only game he had was Resident Evil 2. I stayed up until 4am sometimes playing this game. I still, to this day, love this fucking game and would buy a PlayStation just to play it.
7. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic(XBox)
The only thing I can really say about how good this game is: George Lucas should have let BioWare write the prequels. Yeah. I said it.
6. Sonic Adventure(Dreamcast)
Hands down, THE BEST SONIC GAME EVAR. I have never felt such a sense of speed from any game I have ever played. This game is one of two reasons to get a Dreamcast if you have about $40. Seriously, even though you had to play as Big The Cat, whose fishing game totally sucked balls, the Sonic levels were just sheer brilliance. If Sega wants to make an awesome Sonic game, which they haven't since Sonic Adventure 2, they need to get everyone that worked on this game and tell them to do exactly the same fucking thing they did in 1999.
5. Marvel vs. Capcom 2(Dreamcast)
Three on three fighting. 56 playable characters from Marvel and Capcom's universe. 2D fighting. I once won a match in 12 seconds flat. This game was made for the ADD generation. And oh yeah, two different versions of Wolverine.
4. Wip3out 3(PlayStation)
Wip3out has always been my favorite racing series. As far as I'm concerned, it's the only reason to get a PlayStation. 3 was the highwater mark of the series. They weren't dicking around with all the upgrade shit, the tracks were out of control, and one time I took a bunch of mescaline and played the game. I got stuck in it. It was fucking amazing.
3. Resident Evil 4(Gamecube)
How do you make a series better? You do what Capcom did with Resident Evil 4. Sure, there's no zombies, but I beat the game in 5 days, I played it so much.
2. Grand Theft Auto IV(XBox 360)
The other day, I spent about a half hour just watching TV in the game. I didn't accomplish anything, I didn't whack anybody , I just sat in my [digital]apartment and watched TV. And I didn't feel like I was wasting time. Just like real life. This game, and yes it does have faults(*cough*textureandobjectpopup*), is one of the most engrossing games ever released. Rockstar has actually created a living, breating world. And the radio stations are the best yet.
1. Buck Rodgers: Countdown to Doomsday(Genesis)
I don't know what it is about this game, but I spent soooooooooooooooo much money renting this from Sounds Easy Video. And I spent even more time playing it. And entire Summer vacation was wasted on this game. Whenever I download Gensis ROM's, this is the first game I look for. Turn-based strategy RPG based in some weird goofy Buck Rogers universe I don't recognize. RAM? Terrines?? NEO??? Apparently all this shit is based on some Buck Rogers XXVC role-playing pen and paper game, but I never got into it. I just know that Martian Needle Guns are the shit.
There's a ton more that I'm sure should be on here. Mass Effect was sick. Star Wars: KOTOR 2 was great. Fucking Final Fantasy Tactics. Chronotrigger. It goes on. Let me know what your list is.
10. Sonic The Hedgehog 3(Genesis)
This, for me, was the peak of 2D Sonic radness. Between the awesome Chaos Emerald bonus stages, to the sweet, sweet level design, there was nothing that wasn't great about this game. Not only that, but it was from the 16-bit era, which means that games had to be fun, otherwise they wouldn't get played. Graphics increases have made a lot of things awesome, but they haven't done anything for the fun. Now, a game can just look pretty, and it will sell. See Final Fantasy's continued existence on the non-handheld consoles.
9. Ninja Gaiden(XBox)
This game took up so much of my life, it's insane. I literally played it for about 4 mos. straight. Not like, 8hrs a day or nothing, but it was 4hrs here, 4 there. What can I say about this game? Deep combat system, awesome story, almost-RPG elements.....you're a fucking ninja. Yeah, this game has everything. The shitty camera system can sooooooooo be overlooked, just because the game itself is so great. Honestly, I felt more of an accomplishment beating this game than I did graduating high school. FACT.
8. Resident Evil 2(PlayStation)
Fucking zombies. How can you beat that shit, man? The first Resident Evil I played the holy hell out of. Once, I rented a PlayStation from Home Vision Video and since I didn't have a Memcard, I just left the thing on the whole weekend, so I wouldn't lose my progress. The game was that important to me. Imagine my excitement when a cousin let me use his PlayStation while he was doing something, and the only game he had was Resident Evil 2. I stayed up until 4am sometimes playing this game. I still, to this day, love this fucking game and would buy a PlayStation just to play it.
7. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic(XBox)
The only thing I can really say about how good this game is: George Lucas should have let BioWare write the prequels. Yeah. I said it.
6. Sonic Adventure(Dreamcast)
Hands down, THE BEST SONIC GAME EVAR. I have never felt such a sense of speed from any game I have ever played. This game is one of two reasons to get a Dreamcast if you have about $40. Seriously, even though you had to play as Big The Cat, whose fishing game totally sucked balls, the Sonic levels were just sheer brilliance. If Sega wants to make an awesome Sonic game, which they haven't since Sonic Adventure 2, they need to get everyone that worked on this game and tell them to do exactly the same fucking thing they did in 1999.
5. Marvel vs. Capcom 2(Dreamcast)
Three on three fighting. 56 playable characters from Marvel and Capcom's universe. 2D fighting. I once won a match in 12 seconds flat. This game was made for the ADD generation. And oh yeah, two different versions of Wolverine.
4. Wip3out 3(PlayStation)
Wip3out has always been my favorite racing series. As far as I'm concerned, it's the only reason to get a PlayStation. 3 was the highwater mark of the series. They weren't dicking around with all the upgrade shit, the tracks were out of control, and one time I took a bunch of mescaline and played the game. I got stuck in it. It was fucking amazing.
3. Resident Evil 4(Gamecube)
How do you make a series better? You do what Capcom did with Resident Evil 4. Sure, there's no zombies, but I beat the game in 5 days, I played it so much.
2. Grand Theft Auto IV(XBox 360)
The other day, I spent about a half hour just watching TV in the game. I didn't accomplish anything, I didn't whack anybody , I just sat in my [digital]apartment and watched TV. And I didn't feel like I was wasting time. Just like real life. This game, and yes it does have faults(*cough*textureandobjectpopup*), is one of the most engrossing games ever released. Rockstar has actually created a living, breating world. And the radio stations are the best yet.
1. Buck Rodgers: Countdown to Doomsday(Genesis)
I don't know what it is about this game, but I spent soooooooooooooooo much money renting this from Sounds Easy Video. And I spent even more time playing it. And entire Summer vacation was wasted on this game. Whenever I download Gensis ROM's, this is the first game I look for. Turn-based strategy RPG based in some weird goofy Buck Rogers universe I don't recognize. RAM? Terrines?? NEO??? Apparently all this shit is based on some Buck Rogers XXVC role-playing pen and paper game, but I never got into it. I just know that Martian Needle Guns are the shit.
There's a ton more that I'm sure should be on here. Mass Effect was sick. Star Wars: KOTOR 2 was great. Fucking Final Fantasy Tactics. Chronotrigger. It goes on. Let me know what your list is.
12.03.2008
Holiday-themed racism
Hola.
I was over at joystiq.com, which alongside kotaku.com, is one of two sites that I read on a regular basis to look at all the stuff I can't really afford, but would love to have. And I guess Microsoft got together with some other Hispanic-related survey polling company or whatever, and they determined that the Xbox 360 is the perfect gift for a Hispanic family. Which is funny, cos I would have figured that the Taco-Mania Playset or Juanny Print-Your-Own-Greencard would have been the one thing that Hispanic families would want. Turns out that living in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood does not make you more sensitive to their needs. Here's the survey! And here's me mocking it ruthlessly and with incredibly shallow racism!
This is not a joke.
I was over at joystiq.com, which alongside kotaku.com, is one of two sites that I read on a regular basis to look at all the stuff I can't really afford, but would love to have. And I guess Microsoft got together with some other Hispanic-related survey polling company or whatever, and they determined that the Xbox 360 is the perfect gift for a Hispanic family. Which is funny, cos I would have figured that the Taco-Mania Playset or Juanny Print-Your-Own-Greencard would have been the one thing that Hispanic families would want. Turns out that living in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood does not make you more sensitive to their needs. Here's the survey! And here's me mocking it ruthlessly and with incredibly shallow racism!
Some of the key findings include:
-- More Hispanics want a gift that brings their family together (89% vs. 64% of general population)
My take: Yeah, I bet they want a gift that brings the family together. And nothing brings a family closer together than an Xbox 360. My, I remember how close my family came together when we got our Sega Genesis. I spent a shit ton of time using the box to ignore the fuck out of my parents, who in all honesty were never really that into playing boardgames with us once I got past age NEVER; the other time I was trying to figure out ways to scam my brother out of his turn.
-- More Hispanics are looking for gifts that people can enjoy throughout the year (95% vs. 85% of general population)
My take: Are they saying that Black people are looking for gifts that they can only enjoy when they are out in the exercise yard? That's what they mean by general population, right?
-- More Hispanics are looking for affordable ways to entertain their family over the holidays (85% vs. 81% of general population)
My take: Running into the living room and screaming ICE!! ICE!! is totally free.
-- Many more Hispanics would rather buy one gift for their whole family than spend money on lots of individual gifts (83 % vs. 52% of general population)
My take: Mexicans are fucking cheap. The statistics totally reinforce this shit.
I don't know if it's cos White people are dicks or if it's just me, but whenever my parents would get both me and my brother a gift, I felt slighted. Sure, it's cos he was five years younger than me and when you're 15 getting action figures as opposed to a stereo, you feel like maybe you did something wrong.
And seriously, the family that plays together is more likely to punch each other in the fucking face. About 50% of the fights me and my brother got in were somehow related to that fucking Sega Genesis. And I have a 360, so I can tell you for certain that it doesn't exude any sort of mood altering pheromone to make getting your ass handed to you in Madden any easier to take.
And I do like how they say, "HALF OF HISPANICS PLAN TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES THIS SEASON". Shit, 100% of the people I know plan on playing video games this season. Fuck, 75% of the people I know plan on playing video games in one hour. That's not really a good statistic. It's like saying that 95% of all Black people are going to listen to hip-hop tonight while they straight roll a blunt, yo. Is that really something you need to make a press-release for? No.
Also, "BEING ENTERTAINED AT HOME IS CRUCIAL FAMILY HAPPINESS". I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, I can sort of see how it makes sense. If the Menendez boys had more to do at the house, outside of firearm appreciation, then the parents would probably still be alive today. But I don't think that you need to be entertained at home for the family to be happy. I could drink anywhere, really, and still be happy. I just like to do it at home, cos when I take my pants off, the police don't show up.
In other news, does anyone know when Frank Miller became a fucking maniac? I mean, dude wrote 'Sin City', '300', did a fucking killer run on 'Daredevil' that pretty much defined the character, did 'The Dark Knight Returns' and 'Batman: Year One', and also penciled the 'Wolverine' solo that defined that character. So you'd think with those sorts of laurels, the dude would pretty much be the go-to guy for DC's 'All-Star Batman and Robin', right??
No. Absolutely not. The comic is fucking out of control. Either Frank Miller has suffered some sort of head injury, or he just stopped taking his meds somewhere around 1993 and we never noticed. I know, I know, if you're into this sort of thing you already know about this.
I'm talking about the goddamned Batman.
This is not a joke.I'm not kidding. It seems like every other minute, Batman is talking about the "...goddamned Batmobile" or the "goddamned Batcomputer" or something that he feels the need to let us know has been damned by god. Also, this Batman is fucking crazy.
I'm sure you're probably saying, "No shit. He dresses up like a bat to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. He hangs out with a little kid all the time. In a fucking cave!!!" No, I mean legitamately insane.
I'm sure you're probably saying, "No shit. He dresses up like a bat to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. He hangs out with a little kid all the time. In a fucking cave!!!" No, I mean legitamately insane.
I told you.
Seriously. He's dropping out of the fucking sky laughing like a goddamned psycho. What the fuck happened, Frank Miller? Did you just realize that, "Oh, Batman is nothing more than a delayed adolescent fantasy gone wrong"?? We've all known this for years. He dresses up like a bat and shoots people with boomerangs and shit. To fight crime.
Wait...what?
Don't get me wrong- It's a great read. Because it's so fucking hilarious. Otherwise, it's fucking awful. It's just one more reason why I don't really read DC. Very few and far between do they have anyone that knows what they're doing with the characters. It's like they hire people and just let them do whatever. "Oh yeah, I know they've been acting this way for fucking ever, but you just do whatever you want with them. Ignore previous conventions as opposed to characterization. No one is going to read this shit in 15 years, anyway."
So stop giving him shit, already. Goddamn.
So I'm not working anymore, doing the Mr. Mom thing, only without all those kids and the creepy older chick trying to get into my pants. So you can bet there'll be more of this shit, cos I have plenty of time on my hands to goof around on the intertubes and read fucked up shit.
You're all doomed.
11.14.2008
Stop- parental time!
I guess that right about the time you start going out in public with your child is when random fucking strangers can come up to you and start talking to you about how fucking awesome it is to be a parent. Yeah dude, you're right. I finally know how totally awesome it is to accidentally touch feces on a daily basis. And there's nothing better in life than holding your baby girl, looking right in her eyes and seeing that beautiful smile, and then watching her totally vomit everything she's eaten 20mins previous all over your goddamned lap.
I tell you what, I didn't feel whole until my child started using me as her personal toilet. I didn't feel the urge to go up to random dudes and start talking to them like we're super old friends and go on and on about how fucking sweet kids are. I hate the fact that my having a child is the equivalent of a sign that says, "TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CHILD". And I especially hate it when they're all, "You know what I'm talking about, you have a daughter, too." And I'm all, "No dude, I don't know what you're talking about. Your child is black and mine is white, which puts them at radically different socio-economic ends of the ladder. Your child is probably going to be on some sort of welfare, and have about six or seven different kids...most likely with different dudes. My child is probably going to some borderline lesbian liberal arts school, where she'll kiss a few girls, maybe let one fingerbang her, and then decide that she likes dudes, anyway. She'll marry some bonehead that I hate and will have to pretend to like every holiday, even though he's probably going to like Budweiser and think that Dane Cook is the apex of comedy.
Or she'll end up in a trailer park somewhere. Who knows? As long as she doesn't end up on the pole, I could give a fuck. But the point of this whole story is she'll have options.
Awright, all racism aside, I want to tell you all about a little movie that I picked up the other day for like, .99. Yeah. So you know it's fucking good, right? It's called Hard Rock Zombies. Okay, now you know it's fucking awesome. Don't believe me? Check out the fucking cover, I can wait. Yeah, you see that? Did you check that fuckers' moustache? And his lion's mane of hair? Okay, the movie is seriously half as awesome as that cover.
And dig this: the movie is about a really shitty, and I use this term very, very loosely, metal band, that goes to this town despite being told by some random chick that they'll die. Cos apparently, when you need to rock, there are no warnings that will keep you away. Ask Ronnie Van Zant, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and Randy Rhodes. Don't ask Buddy Holly or the Big Bopper, though. They don't know fucking anything.
Anyway, they go to this town to rock, and after a really, really gay dance sort of video thing, they get killed. Like the chick told them they would. And it turns out that the dude that's behind all of this, this whole evil plot of taking over some shitty little town somewhere with a bunch of weirdo freaks IS NONE OTHER THAN FUCKING ADOLPH FUCKING HITLER.
I am not making this up. It's actually Hitler behind all of this. And I'm talking some dude saying he's Hitler, I'm talking full Nazi uniform with the Seig Heil's and fucking everything. Hell, the whole reason I bought the fucking thing is I saw Hitler on the back. And I couldn't believe that someone out there had the balls to make a movie that didn't take place in World War II would have Hitler be the primary antagonist.
I wish I could tell you more about the movie, but it's around this time that I became really drunk...or maybe it just kicked in, and I really don't remember anymore about it. Other than the "metal" band was pretty much only buried under 3 inches of dirt. The kind of dirt that you put in a potted plant.
So yeah, three out of 900 stars. Good stuff. If you're really, really high and there is absolutely nothing else on television.
Band I've been listening to a lot of this week: Fucked Up. No, that's the name of the band. And they are awesome.
Keep it black, kids.
I tell you what, I didn't feel whole until my child started using me as her personal toilet. I didn't feel the urge to go up to random dudes and start talking to them like we're super old friends and go on and on about how fucking sweet kids are. I hate the fact that my having a child is the equivalent of a sign that says, "TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CHILD". And I especially hate it when they're all, "You know what I'm talking about, you have a daughter, too." And I'm all, "No dude, I don't know what you're talking about. Your child is black and mine is white, which puts them at radically different socio-economic ends of the ladder. Your child is probably going to be on some sort of welfare, and have about six or seven different kids...most likely with different dudes. My child is probably going to some borderline lesbian liberal arts school, where she'll kiss a few girls, maybe let one fingerbang her, and then decide that she likes dudes, anyway. She'll marry some bonehead that I hate and will have to pretend to like every holiday, even though he's probably going to like Budweiser and think that Dane Cook is the apex of comedy.
Or she'll end up in a trailer park somewhere. Who knows? As long as she doesn't end up on the pole, I could give a fuck. But the point of this whole story is she'll have options.
Awright, all racism aside, I want to tell you all about a little movie that I picked up the other day for like, .99. Yeah. So you know it's fucking good, right? It's called Hard Rock Zombies. Okay, now you know it's fucking awesome. Don't believe me? Check out the fucking cover, I can wait. Yeah, you see that? Did you check that fuckers' moustache? And his lion's mane of hair? Okay, the movie is seriously half as awesome as that cover.
And dig this: the movie is about a really shitty, and I use this term very, very loosely, metal band, that goes to this town despite being told by some random chick that they'll die. Cos apparently, when you need to rock, there are no warnings that will keep you away. Ask Ronnie Van Zant, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and Randy Rhodes. Don't ask Buddy Holly or the Big Bopper, though. They don't know fucking anything.
Anyway, they go to this town to rock, and after a really, really gay dance sort of video thing, they get killed. Like the chick told them they would. And it turns out that the dude that's behind all of this, this whole evil plot of taking over some shitty little town somewhere with a bunch of weirdo freaks IS NONE OTHER THAN FUCKING ADOLPH FUCKING HITLER.
I am not making this up. It's actually Hitler behind all of this. And I'm talking some dude saying he's Hitler, I'm talking full Nazi uniform with the Seig Heil's and fucking everything. Hell, the whole reason I bought the fucking thing is I saw Hitler on the back. And I couldn't believe that someone out there had the balls to make a movie that didn't take place in World War II would have Hitler be the primary antagonist.
I wish I could tell you more about the movie, but it's around this time that I became really drunk...or maybe it just kicked in, and I really don't remember anymore about it. Other than the "metal" band was pretty much only buried under 3 inches of dirt. The kind of dirt that you put in a potted plant.
So yeah, three out of 900 stars. Good stuff. If you're really, really high and there is absolutely nothing else on television.
Band I've been listening to a lot of this week: Fucked Up. No, that's the name of the band. And they are awesome.
Keep it black, kids.
11.04.2008
11.03.2008
Wake me up sometime next week
Jesus, will I be fucking happy when we've elected our new freedom hating overlord and we're over-joyed at the entirely new ways we're getting fucked up the ass by our elected officials. I'm so sick of hearing "socialist this" or "creepy old man looking scrotum person that". I just want to hear about how much our new President is totally fucking shit up, or about how it's wack yo to have a black man in the white hizzie(LOL).
I think what I'm most tired of hearing is all the bullshit political ads. We all know that once Barak Obama is elected, he's going to personally murder the first born child of every white family in order to cement his rise to the Muslim Throne of Blood, at which point the 1,000 years of darkness will reign over the world. And yes, we all know that McCain plans on mainlining stemcells and eating fetuses in order to prolong his unholy lifespan so that he can see how the 100 years in Iraq plays out. We all know this. I like to think that these are just two of the reasons we're voting for out selective candidate. At least I know that I've got somewhat of a boner about infanticide and/or unholy lifespans. It's like a fucking H.P. Lovecraft novel, only that shit is going to be on the news/cable news(NOT REAL NEWS) every night. And I think we all need a little more of the Elder Gods in our lives.
What I'm tired of is the selective statements. You know, they take something that one candidate said, and then they leave out the most important part. For example: "If elected, I promise to save America from all threats!". What they usually leave out is, "..that aren't white and rich!". Wah wah waaaaahhh! This is also known as context. If you're married, you know all about this shit. I'm tired of people outright lying and just blowing things out of proportion. I'm tired of Drudge slapping a question mark on the end of something(OBAMA THREATENS ALL OF THE WORLD WITH GIANT ROBOT????) and people letting that shit slide cos he's asking a question. I want the world to get back to normal, when we can start blaming minorities and illegal immegrants for all the problems that are going on in this world. And by the world, I mean what really counts as the world: America.
So I guess it all goes down tomorrow. Let's hope that we don't end up with at least four more years of the same bullshit. I'm ready to get fucked in another position, thank you very much.
I think what I'm most tired of hearing is all the bullshit political ads. We all know that once Barak Obama is elected, he's going to personally murder the first born child of every white family in order to cement his rise to the Muslim Throne of Blood, at which point the 1,000 years of darkness will reign over the world. And yes, we all know that McCain plans on mainlining stemcells and eating fetuses in order to prolong his unholy lifespan so that he can see how the 100 years in Iraq plays out. We all know this. I like to think that these are just two of the reasons we're voting for out selective candidate. At least I know that I've got somewhat of a boner about infanticide and/or unholy lifespans. It's like a fucking H.P. Lovecraft novel, only that shit is going to be on the news/cable news(NOT REAL NEWS) every night. And I think we all need a little more of the Elder Gods in our lives.
What I'm tired of is the selective statements. You know, they take something that one candidate said, and then they leave out the most important part. For example: "If elected, I promise to save America from all threats!". What they usually leave out is, "..that aren't white and rich!". Wah wah waaaaahhh! This is also known as context. If you're married, you know all about this shit. I'm tired of people outright lying and just blowing things out of proportion. I'm tired of Drudge slapping a question mark on the end of something(OBAMA THREATENS ALL OF THE WORLD WITH GIANT ROBOT????) and people letting that shit slide cos he's asking a question. I want the world to get back to normal, when we can start blaming minorities and illegal immegrants for all the problems that are going on in this world. And by the world, I mean what really counts as the world: America.
So I guess it all goes down tomorrow. Let's hope that we don't end up with at least four more years of the same bullshit. I'm ready to get fucked in another position, thank you very much.
9.11.2008
Fear
I know I haven't been around in awhile, but I've been doing things. Daddy things, and not in that creepy way, either. I'm not leering after pre-teens at the school yard, I'm making stupid faces trying to make my child laugh. But she's in daycare, I'm not at work, and I've got a few things on my mind. So let's just get on this shit and get it out of the way, beeyotch.
1- Did you know that retards can vote? I didn't, and it fucking scares the shit out of me. Seriously. There's not a vast, untapped legion of voters out there that can be swayed with the promise of candy and/or popsicles. And then there's the retards, whom can be swayed with those things and toys. Does this bother anyone else? They can't tie their shoes, or shit in a toilet, but they can make a choice on who's going to be our next President. That's fucked up, man. A felon can't vote, and they (for the most part) have all their faculties. They just have really shitty impulse control, and can't decide whether to take no for an answer, or just set it all on fire anyway.
I mean, seriously, retarded people can vote. You might as well give four year olds the right to vote, too. And Muppets. No Fraggles, though. They don't even let those Digger-type fuckers finish what they're doing before they start eating the shit out of it. Fuck Fraggles. However, retards voting does bring me to my next two points:
1.3- Those losers that were protesting 'Tropic Thunder' cos it had that lengthy discourse about how to win an Oscar while playing a retard; and apparently they give a lengthy discourse about how to properly play a retard and win an Oscar. And a bunch of non-retarded people are all pissed off about this. They say it's offensive. Of course, since they work with retarded people constantly, they know what offends them, and a word with more than two syllables is one of those things. I think I may have mentioned this in another blog, in another land, but I've found that more often than not, the people protesting "offensive shit" usually embody none of the things that they're protesting. Sure, they had a couple of 'tards out there with signs and shit, looking all slack jawed and Downs Syndrome-y, but do you think any of them honestly gave a fuck about this movie? No, they were probably just pissed off that they were missing Spongebob Squarepants cos some asshole didn't like the fact that someone was using retarded in a negative connotation.
But hey, asshole, last time I checked, retard is a negative connotation. It's sure as shit not a good thing when the doctor tells you your child is "mentally retarded". No one is throwing parties for that shit. No one is driving around town screaming, "Yeeeeaaaaah!! I just had a retard baby!!!! WOOOOOO!!!". Although, maybe down south they are...
Either way, these people should learn to shut the fuck up and load the van up with all the 'tard babies, and take them to fucking Chuckie Cheese and have a good time. It's a movie, dude. It's a fake world with fake people doing fake shit. Who fucking cares? It's like trying to ban smoking in movies. If you start smoking cos you saw Keanu do it, you deserve to get fucking lung cancer and die. Because you are stupid. And if you have children, then they deserve to have you die when they're young, just so they don't have any awful memories of how stupid you were.
1.5- I bring all this up because of Sarah Palin. I listen to a lot of talk radio, and some moron caller called in about her nomination as VP, and was talking about her giving birth to a child, even though she knew it was 'tarded. Or if you want to be all scientific, Downs Syndrome-y.
Anyway, the caller said that when the retards all heard about Sarah Palin, they cheered. And she inferred that it was cos of the announcement of Sarah Palin. To this, I call bullshit. They probably just passed an ice cream truck or a candy store, something like that. I mean, seriously, retards do not care about politics. They care about apples(Thanks, Patton!), they care about bright colors, and they care about shiny things. They're fucking ferrets with thumbs and a slightly expanded vocabular.
2- It's been out for a long time, but Grand Theft Auto IV is fucking awesome. Seriously. I have beaten the game, but I still enjoy, from time to time, firing it up and just going out and causing serious levels of havoc upon an unsuspecting populace. It makes me even happier to create backstories for some random dude that I plow over.
For example: there's Fred Erics, 48, father of two. He's a lawyer in the real estate business, and it's been a busy week for him. Sure, he could have taken the car to work today, but he doesn't have time to find parking. So he walks. And he just happens to be walking down the street as I come hurtling down the sidewalk at 80mph and splatter him all over the hood of the cop car I stole like a fucking bug. Not a good day to be a real estate lawyer.
The game just manages to do everything that sandbox games have been promising for a long time. It doesn't do it all perfectly, but it does it pretty goddamn good. Better than it has been. If you want to go watch TV for a couple of hours, you can actually watch TV for hours. It's fucking brilliant. The radio stations are top notch, and I haven't really listened to all of them, yet. The cars handle like actual cars, so yes, while you can't go e-braking around a corner like you could, you can't pull that shit in real life, anyway. Trust me, I've tried.
3- There's more stuff, but this is already getting too long, and funny left town awhile ago. So I'll end it on this: TV on the Radio's new album leaked awhile ago, and being the forward-thinking, cheap motherfucker I am, I downloaded it.
And holy hell, I can say that it is probably one of the best goddamn records I've ever heard. That opinion may change awhile down the road, I've been listening to it for awhile(two days). It beats the hell out of Return to Cookie Mountain. And I think that if you like music, you should either download it or go buy it. I'm not going to buy it, cos I'm going to give them my cash direct when I buy their merch next month.
3.5- Oh yeah, saw Reggie and the Full Effect as well. One of the most fun shows I've ever been to. Hands down. Reggie kicked ass for a solid two hours, and he even let us hear some new Fluxuation stuff. And there's going to be a Common Denominator album as well. And a Get-Up Kids reunion. Sometimes, things are really good.
1- Did you know that retards can vote? I didn't, and it fucking scares the shit out of me. Seriously. There's not a vast, untapped legion of voters out there that can be swayed with the promise of candy and/or popsicles. And then there's the retards, whom can be swayed with those things and toys. Does this bother anyone else? They can't tie their shoes, or shit in a toilet, but they can make a choice on who's going to be our next President. That's fucked up, man. A felon can't vote, and they (for the most part) have all their faculties. They just have really shitty impulse control, and can't decide whether to take no for an answer, or just set it all on fire anyway.
I mean, seriously, retarded people can vote. You might as well give four year olds the right to vote, too. And Muppets. No Fraggles, though. They don't even let those Digger-type fuckers finish what they're doing before they start eating the shit out of it. Fuck Fraggles. However, retards voting does bring me to my next two points:
1.3- Those losers that were protesting 'Tropic Thunder' cos it had that lengthy discourse about how to win an Oscar while playing a retard; and apparently they give a lengthy discourse about how to properly play a retard and win an Oscar. And a bunch of non-retarded people are all pissed off about this. They say it's offensive. Of course, since they work with retarded people constantly, they know what offends them, and a word with more than two syllables is one of those things. I think I may have mentioned this in another blog, in another land, but I've found that more often than not, the people protesting "offensive shit" usually embody none of the things that they're protesting. Sure, they had a couple of 'tards out there with signs and shit, looking all slack jawed and Downs Syndrome-y, but do you think any of them honestly gave a fuck about this movie? No, they were probably just pissed off that they were missing Spongebob Squarepants cos some asshole didn't like the fact that someone was using retarded in a negative connotation.
But hey, asshole, last time I checked, retard is a negative connotation. It's sure as shit not a good thing when the doctor tells you your child is "mentally retarded". No one is throwing parties for that shit. No one is driving around town screaming, "Yeeeeaaaaah!! I just had a retard baby!!!! WOOOOOO!!!". Although, maybe down south they are...
Either way, these people should learn to shut the fuck up and load the van up with all the 'tard babies, and take them to fucking Chuckie Cheese and have a good time. It's a movie, dude. It's a fake world with fake people doing fake shit. Who fucking cares? It's like trying to ban smoking in movies. If you start smoking cos you saw Keanu do it, you deserve to get fucking lung cancer and die. Because you are stupid. And if you have children, then they deserve to have you die when they're young, just so they don't have any awful memories of how stupid you were.
1.5- I bring all this up because of Sarah Palin. I listen to a lot of talk radio, and some moron caller called in about her nomination as VP, and was talking about her giving birth to a child, even though she knew it was 'tarded. Or if you want to be all scientific, Downs Syndrome-y.
Anyway, the caller said that when the retards all heard about Sarah Palin, they cheered. And she inferred that it was cos of the announcement of Sarah Palin. To this, I call bullshit. They probably just passed an ice cream truck or a candy store, something like that. I mean, seriously, retards do not care about politics. They care about apples(Thanks, Patton!), they care about bright colors, and they care about shiny things. They're fucking ferrets with thumbs and a slightly expanded vocabular.
2- It's been out for a long time, but Grand Theft Auto IV is fucking awesome. Seriously. I have beaten the game, but I still enjoy, from time to time, firing it up and just going out and causing serious levels of havoc upon an unsuspecting populace. It makes me even happier to create backstories for some random dude that I plow over.
For example: there's Fred Erics, 48, father of two. He's a lawyer in the real estate business, and it's been a busy week for him. Sure, he could have taken the car to work today, but he doesn't have time to find parking. So he walks. And he just happens to be walking down the street as I come hurtling down the sidewalk at 80mph and splatter him all over the hood of the cop car I stole like a fucking bug. Not a good day to be a real estate lawyer.
The game just manages to do everything that sandbox games have been promising for a long time. It doesn't do it all perfectly, but it does it pretty goddamn good. Better than it has been. If you want to go watch TV for a couple of hours, you can actually watch TV for hours. It's fucking brilliant. The radio stations are top notch, and I haven't really listened to all of them, yet. The cars handle like actual cars, so yes, while you can't go e-braking around a corner like you could, you can't pull that shit in real life, anyway. Trust me, I've tried.
3- There's more stuff, but this is already getting too long, and funny left town awhile ago. So I'll end it on this: TV on the Radio's new album leaked awhile ago, and being the forward-thinking, cheap motherfucker I am, I downloaded it.
And holy hell, I can say that it is probably one of the best goddamn records I've ever heard. That opinion may change awhile down the road, I've been listening to it for awhile(two days). It beats the hell out of Return to Cookie Mountain. And I think that if you like music, you should either download it or go buy it. I'm not going to buy it, cos I'm going to give them my cash direct when I buy their merch next month.
3.5- Oh yeah, saw Reggie and the Full Effect as well. One of the most fun shows I've ever been to. Hands down. Reggie kicked ass for a solid two hours, and he even let us hear some new Fluxuation stuff. And there's going to be a Common Denominator album as well. And a Get-Up Kids reunion. Sometimes, things are really good.
6.10.2008
Stephen King knows sweet fuck all about the future of horror....
I have seen the future of horror and it is not Clive Barker. It's this little thing called the EyeDildo. And it's exactly what you think it is. As long as you don't think it's a dildo made out of or shaped like an eye. It's a fucking dildo with a camera in it, so you can see the insides of whatever slut you're too impotent to bang with your own dong. And not only does it have a camera in it, but it has wires coming out of it so you can see the horror that is the inside of a vagina.
Don't get me wrong: I love me some gash. Seriously. My impending child is a testament to this. However, I have no desire to see its inner-workings....again. The last time was traumatic enough. It can be in the name of medical science all it wants, but it's still sort of horrific. I just, for whatever reason, don't have the desire to be that intimate with something that I'm that intimate with.
What disturbs me more than anything is that fucking just isn't good enough anymore. It's like we need to do the most deviant fucked up shit to even pop off anymore. If someone isn't vomiting feces into someone elses butthole while they them self is being drilled by...well, a drill with a dildo on it, it's just not worth beating off to. And that's sad, man. It used to be that people had nothing more than their own filthy imaginations to beat off to. Now we have levels of filth that would make Satan himself blush with shame. And I guess that's a good thing, cos we need something to blame for the reason some dude decapitated a bunch of prostitutes and ejaculated into their throat-holes. Something other than being fucking crazy.
Don't get me wrong: I love me some gash. Seriously. My impending child is a testament to this. However, I have no desire to see its inner-workings....again. The last time was traumatic enough. It can be in the name of medical science all it wants, but it's still sort of horrific. I just, for whatever reason, don't have the desire to be that intimate with something that I'm that intimate with.
What disturbs me more than anything is that fucking just isn't good enough anymore. It's like we need to do the most deviant fucked up shit to even pop off anymore. If someone isn't vomiting feces into someone elses butthole while they them self is being drilled by...well, a drill with a dildo on it, it's just not worth beating off to. And that's sad, man. It used to be that people had nothing more than their own filthy imaginations to beat off to. Now we have levels of filth that would make Satan himself blush with shame. And I guess that's a good thing, cos we need something to blame for the reason some dude decapitated a bunch of prostitutes and ejaculated into their throat-holes. Something other than being fucking crazy.
5.28.2008
NatGeo be da bomb!
I'm totally going to watch the shit out of this National Geographic(or as the kids say, NatGeo) special on La Chupacabra. Which apparently translates to "The Goat Sucker".
It's going to be sweet. A ton of interviews with poor illiterate Mexicans that are worried about some creature running around in the jungle, sucking on all their goats.
Shows like this and 'Intervention' are the reason I have cable.
It's going to be sweet. A ton of interviews with poor illiterate Mexicans that are worried about some creature running around in the jungle, sucking on all their goats.
Shows like this and 'Intervention' are the reason I have cable.
5.14.2008
Yep.
As most of you know, which you should since you're all basically my friends, I am a pretty huge video game freak, or as the media likes to dub us, "Gamers". I've never really had one of those moments, where you have to put down the controller and say, "Whoa. I'm playing a video game." and it comes as a surprise to you. Like you don't realize that you and the character on the screen are not the same person. I've played a lot of video games, and I do mean a lot, and I've never really been subject to that sort of loss of identity.
But Grand Theft Auto did it.
I was riding a bike across a bridge and I could swear that I could feel the breeze in my face. I was jamming tunes, I was feeling good. Sure, maybe it's the booze or the resin, but whatever. If a game can obliterate those sort of boundaries, the most important AT field, isn't that something to be in awe of???
GTA IV has done it. While I will be the first to admit that it's not my most favorite game in the world(that honor belongs to Ninja Gaiden and Ninja Gaiden alone), it comes pretty goddamn close.
I had a bunch of what I thought was super deep shit to say, but I was taking a piss and forgot most of it. Damn you, beer. Damn you, resin.
Play this game. Even if you don't like video games and you think that they are childish, give this one a shot. The narrative alone will slay you.
But Grand Theft Auto did it.
I was riding a bike across a bridge and I could swear that I could feel the breeze in my face. I was jamming tunes, I was feeling good. Sure, maybe it's the booze or the resin, but whatever. If a game can obliterate those sort of boundaries, the most important AT field, isn't that something to be in awe of???
GTA IV has done it. While I will be the first to admit that it's not my most favorite game in the world(that honor belongs to Ninja Gaiden and Ninja Gaiden alone), it comes pretty goddamn close.
I had a bunch of what I thought was super deep shit to say, but I was taking a piss and forgot most of it. Damn you, beer. Damn you, resin.
Play this game. Even if you don't like video games and you think that they are childish, give this one a shot. The narrative alone will slay you.
5.09.2008
This is the reason it's still illegal
So apparently regular glass bongs are just played out, now. I guess that the simple thrill of getting high has become so blah that we're not seeking new ways to "up the thrill factor" that we've resorted to fucking smoking weed out of a dude's head.
I'm not fucking kidding. Read the link. It's all right there.
This is the shit that keeps them from legalizing pot. Right there. Every time the government gets together, and they're all, "That Woody Harrelson doesn't seem dangerous. He was Woody on 'Cheers', for fuck's sake!"
And then they'd all murmur to themselves approvingly, about how maybe weed isn't all that bad, and we're not all a bunch of red-ringed eye sporting psychopaths, and that we're not all doing cocaine and heroin within twenty minutes of a first joint, and they're this close saying it's okay, when some dude busts in the room with a newspaper from Texas. And goddamned if doesn't have something on the front page about a bunch of savages smoking weed out of a fucking corpse head they dug up and then decapitated, and that just ruins everything. Next thing you know, they're thinking of pot enthusiasts as being on the same level as, say Hitler or the gays.
Goddammit, it's always like this. We're getting close to it being decriminalized, which is a pretty good step in the right direction. Pot is no different than booze, for example. You have people that can't handle that shit, so when they drink it they get into car wrecks, beat up their wife/children/other family member/any random person available, and just generally make assholes out of themselves, and yet booze is still legal. Hmm. I don't know about you, but if I smoke pot, I'm not going anywhere unless I absolutely have to. Or if I'm playing Grand Theft Auto IV, and I don't actually have to move anything other than a thumb to travel.
I'm not saying all drugs should be legal, good lord no. Cocaine is a not good drug. Nothing positive ever comes out of that shit, except for maybe a really clean house. Meth, well, I guess if you're weight conscious, you're going to be feeling really happy in about a month. I know that I think teeth are seriously played out, too.
And why does it always have to be Texas? Seriously now, what the fuck?
5.08.2008
Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitch slap.
If there's two things that I like, they're anime and deals. They go together like penis and vagina. Unless you're not into that shit. But whatever. Anyway, while shopping at Stop and Shop the other day, I came across three anime DVD's for $2.99. I figure, hey, what the hell? One of them was definitely Captain Herlock/Harlock, and the other two had giant robots flying around. How could it possibly be bad? Even when I get a dollar movie from Wal-Mart and it's shitty, at least I get a kick out of it.
Then I saw Protectors of Universe. Yeah, totally. To call this movie "written" is being really, really, really fucking polite. This movie makes absolutely no sense. It's like they took a bunch of shit from other anime, mashed it together, and then well....and then I guess everyone was super loaded the entire time, too.
I watched about 30mins of this, and here's what I figured out: a new star forms, sends out some signal, and then these mohawk sporting blue dudes that attack in submarines. They waste what I thought was Earth, but turns out to be Orion, I think. Orion or whatever freaks out and decides to put ALL THE CHILDREN ON A SPACE TRAIN. I'm not kidding. Eventually Earth releases their giant robot, Mazinger 7....who has a 7 on his belt buckle. He flies around and smashes the blue dudes ships, at one point punching into a cockpit and smashing a dude in the face- that is my favorite part of the whole fucking thing. Like it was personal for the robot.
Anyway, the space train docks into Mazinger 7's butthole. And he flies around with the train in his ass.
Seriously. Someone else made this up, not me. The only possible way I could come up with anything close to this is if drank for about three days straight. And if I did that, I would be too blasted to write.
Then, there's the voice over work. It's so fucking bad. Seriously, I'm sure they just took whomever they say walking down the street and recorded them with an old Fisher Price tape recorder. Hell, some of them didn't even sound like they could read all that well.
Anyone know of any PC DVD playback programs that'll let you take screen caps of whatever you're watching? You gotta see some of this shit.
Then I saw Protectors of Universe. Yeah, totally. To call this movie "written" is being really, really, really fucking polite. This movie makes absolutely no sense. It's like they took a bunch of shit from other anime, mashed it together, and then well....and then I guess everyone was super loaded the entire time, too.
I watched about 30mins of this, and here's what I figured out: a new star forms, sends out some signal, and then these mohawk sporting blue dudes that attack in submarines. They waste what I thought was Earth, but turns out to be Orion, I think. Orion or whatever freaks out and decides to put ALL THE CHILDREN ON A SPACE TRAIN. I'm not kidding. Eventually Earth releases their giant robot, Mazinger 7....who has a 7 on his belt buckle. He flies around and smashes the blue dudes ships, at one point punching into a cockpit and smashing a dude in the face- that is my favorite part of the whole fucking thing. Like it was personal for the robot.
Anyway, the space train docks into Mazinger 7's butthole. And he flies around with the train in his ass.
Seriously. Someone else made this up, not me. The only possible way I could come up with anything close to this is if drank for about three days straight. And if I did that, I would be too blasted to write.
Then, there's the voice over work. It's so fucking bad. Seriously, I'm sure they just took whomever they say walking down the street and recorded them with an old Fisher Price tape recorder. Hell, some of them didn't even sound like they could read all that well.
Anyone know of any PC DVD playback programs that'll let you take screen caps of whatever you're watching? You gotta see some of this shit.
5.01.2008
Who the fuck are you kidding?
I like to think that I'm a pretty tolerant guy: you wanna fuck some dude in the ass or scissor fuck some broad, go for it. You want to let a German Shepard fuck you in the ass while your creepy friends video tape it/jerk off, go for it. You want to cut the head of your dick off in the name of "taking control of your body", hey man, do it up.
I suppose those are extreme examples, but I thought I would start with that first. I'm not averse to people coming to this country from some other one. Hell, this whole country was built on that premise: come here, give us what you've got and we'll make something kick ass out of it. That's what makes us so much more rad than other countries is this implied(I'll get to that in a second) openness of the country. The whole "Give us your weak, your huddled masses..." etc, etc. Seriously, I am so fucking down with that.
But you do it by the rules. Shit man, I'm fucking married to an immigrant. You don't just come in here illegally and then get pissed off when people get mad that you're here. That's like breaking into someone's house, firing up their PlayStation or XBox and then getting angry with them when they ask you to leave. That's fucking bullshit, man.
Read this. And try not to laugh your fucking ass off. You've got this one bitch talking about immigrant rights. Immigrants do have rights. Legal immigrants have rights. Illegal immigrants have rights, too. Unfortunately, one of them is not being allowed to stay in the country. Shit, you fuckers knew that from the get go. That's why you sneaked in!!!!!
And seriously, it's not racial profiling. Is it racial profiling when you look for a 30 year old white male with serious mommy issues that's been chopping up prostitutes in Vancouver? No! It's simple fucking profiling!
Goddammit, this shit is pissing me off. I really, really, really, really don't have a problem with people coming here from other countries, obviously. But I do have a problem with people coming here illegally and sucking up resources and tax dollars and then bitching about when they get shown the door. Fuck you, man.
Jesus, this shit really fucking irritates me.
But on the plus side, Grand Theft Auto IV is fucking awesome. Really. I want to talk more about it, but I have to eat, and I've really only been playing for about five or six hours. And with GTA, that's not nearly enough time to let you know just how B.A. the game is. Plus, I wanna get into the multi-player, too, before I let you know just how kick ass it is.
But you know you've got a great game on your hands when you hit a tree with your car and send your poor Serbian protagonist shooting out of the windshield like a javelin.
I suppose those are extreme examples, but I thought I would start with that first. I'm not averse to people coming to this country from some other one. Hell, this whole country was built on that premise: come here, give us what you've got and we'll make something kick ass out of it. That's what makes us so much more rad than other countries is this implied(I'll get to that in a second) openness of the country. The whole "Give us your weak, your huddled masses..." etc, etc. Seriously, I am so fucking down with that.
But you do it by the rules. Shit man, I'm fucking married to an immigrant. You don't just come in here illegally and then get pissed off when people get mad that you're here. That's like breaking into someone's house, firing up their PlayStation or XBox and then getting angry with them when they ask you to leave. That's fucking bullshit, man.
Read this. And try not to laugh your fucking ass off. You've got this one bitch talking about immigrant rights. Immigrants do have rights. Legal immigrants have rights. Illegal immigrants have rights, too. Unfortunately, one of them is not being allowed to stay in the country. Shit, you fuckers knew that from the get go. That's why you sneaked in!!!!!
And seriously, it's not racial profiling. Is it racial profiling when you look for a 30 year old white male with serious mommy issues that's been chopping up prostitutes in Vancouver? No! It's simple fucking profiling!
Goddammit, this shit is pissing me off. I really, really, really, really don't have a problem with people coming here from other countries, obviously. But I do have a problem with people coming here illegally and sucking up resources and tax dollars and then bitching about when they get shown the door. Fuck you, man.
Jesus, this shit really fucking irritates me.
But on the plus side, Grand Theft Auto IV is fucking awesome. Really. I want to talk more about it, but I have to eat, and I've really only been playing for about five or six hours. And with GTA, that's not nearly enough time to let you know just how B.A. the game is. Plus, I wanna get into the multi-player, too, before I let you know just how kick ass it is.
But you know you've got a great game on your hands when you hit a tree with your car and send your poor Serbian protagonist shooting out of the windshield like a javelin.
4.22.2008
Lest We Forget
So today is Earth Day, and much like every other extraneous holiday(Administrative Assistant's Day, Take Your Child To Work Day, Father's Day[no longer extraneous]), no one really paid any attention at all to it, except for a bunch of douche bags on the internet.
Hey douche bags on the internet, next time you want to make a point to us about how the earth is fragile and we all need to take a step back and respect her or whatever, try not to do it on a machine that's insanely toxic and running on fossil fuel burning power plants(probably). Carve that shit onto stone in a cave, in the dark, lit by only a candle that you've made from your own earwax. Then you'll have some credibility.
Me? I want a carbon footprint you can see from fucking space.
My car is running right now....
Hey douche bags on the internet, next time you want to make a point to us about how the earth is fragile and we all need to take a step back and respect her or whatever, try not to do it on a machine that's insanely toxic and running on fossil fuel burning power plants(probably). Carve that shit onto stone in a cave, in the dark, lit by only a candle that you've made from your own earwax. Then you'll have some credibility.
Me? I want a carbon footprint you can see from fucking space.
My car is running right now....
4.21.2008
Try it one last time
Did the collective I.Q. of the nation fucking plummet when I wasn't paying attention?? I know that I'm not obligated to watch the country's intelligence or anything, but when I turn on the news and am confronted by two separate videos of two separate groups of people doing two sets of incredibly stupid things, I have to wonder to myself if I somehow went wrong somewhere. Did I not drive drunk the right time and not hit some retard kid that was going to have more retard children?
I can't help but take it personally. I know, I know, that I had nothing to do with it, but yet I somehow feel responsible.
What I'm talking about is the dude that videotaped himself getting a two year old high. In night vision, no less. That means he didn't want anyone else to see him doing this, yet he filmed the fucking thing in night vision so he himself could watch it later. And I think there was a chick involved, too.
The second thing is the group of teenage girls that film themselves beating the living shit out of another girl. It's in some nice ass living room that you'd see in a sitcom, too. Like 'Growing Pains'. Can you imagine Tina Yothers and all her little friends beating the holy hell out of some little girl, cursing and shit? No.
While both these things are incredibly dumb in and of themselves, what makes it even more retarded is that they both decided to film it. Generally, when you're engaging in criminal behavior, you don't want any more evidence than possible. If someone else seeing your act is a bad thing, fucking filming it is like, the worst thing you can do. I mean, you can say someone else is lying. You can't explain away film. You just can't. Maybe if you were being sued by George Lucas or Michael Bay, you could get away with the film is lying.
What I'm really guessing is that these people just didn't know. They didn't know that you can't give pot to a two year old and not expect to have people find out. Back in the day if you did that, you had to hope that no one found out for at least a month or so, then you were probably going to be safe. If you and your crazy bitch friends beat the hell out of some other girl, you would have probably gotten away with that, especially if that shit was the 60's. I read 'The Outsiders' the other day, and you could more or less get away with murder if you were a teenager.
But, I'm off-track. Anyway, I came up with a very simple form to help you know when to and when not to film shit.
1. Are you engaging in a criminal act?
If no, film.
If yes, see question 2.
2. Is this something that people need to see, or will it be just as funny if you only tell them
about it?
If yes they need to fucking see this, see question 3.
If no, do not film. Really re-think this, too.
3. Are you going to be putting this on YouTube?
If no, go read "If no," for question 2 again. Do not come back.
If yes, are you serious? And go to question 4.
4. Is there a sub-minor involved?
There is no "If yes" for this. You are a hillbilly and you need to give me the camera.
I'm not saying that you should stop doing dumb shit, or that I myself have never done anything dumb. I've done a lot of dumb shit. Hell, I've done some shit that I'm surprised at this age how I even got out of it alive. But I never filmed most of it. The shit that did end up on film is in the hands of my grandmother, and I'm pretty sure she's going to take it to the grave with her. I think it's some sort of insurance.
I wish I had some sort of point, but I guess if I do have one, it's this: we're all fucking dumb. And we are just not ready for shit like video cameras and the internet. If we were, you wouldn't be hearing about shit like this as much as you do. I'm sure people got their kids high in the 70's and 80's. But you didn't really hear about it, cos no one was filming it. I know kids were beating up each other gang style, but you didn't really hear about it unless it happened in your school.
Whatever happened to just telling people about shit?
And if this entry sucks, it's cos I'm high. I'm sorry.
I can't help but take it personally. I know, I know, that I had nothing to do with it, but yet I somehow feel responsible.
What I'm talking about is the dude that videotaped himself getting a two year old high. In night vision, no less. That means he didn't want anyone else to see him doing this, yet he filmed the fucking thing in night vision so he himself could watch it later. And I think there was a chick involved, too.
The second thing is the group of teenage girls that film themselves beating the living shit out of another girl. It's in some nice ass living room that you'd see in a sitcom, too. Like 'Growing Pains'. Can you imagine Tina Yothers and all her little friends beating the holy hell out of some little girl, cursing and shit? No.
While both these things are incredibly dumb in and of themselves, what makes it even more retarded is that they both decided to film it. Generally, when you're engaging in criminal behavior, you don't want any more evidence than possible. If someone else seeing your act is a bad thing, fucking filming it is like, the worst thing you can do. I mean, you can say someone else is lying. You can't explain away film. You just can't. Maybe if you were being sued by George Lucas or Michael Bay, you could get away with the film is lying.
What I'm really guessing is that these people just didn't know. They didn't know that you can't give pot to a two year old and not expect to have people find out. Back in the day if you did that, you had to hope that no one found out for at least a month or so, then you were probably going to be safe. If you and your crazy bitch friends beat the hell out of some other girl, you would have probably gotten away with that, especially if that shit was the 60's. I read 'The Outsiders' the other day, and you could more or less get away with murder if you were a teenager.
But, I'm off-track. Anyway, I came up with a very simple form to help you know when to and when not to film shit.
1. Are you engaging in a criminal act?
If no, film.
If yes, see question 2.
2. Is this something that people need to see, or will it be just as funny if you only tell them
about it?
If yes they need to fucking see this, see question 3.
If no, do not film. Really re-think this, too.
3. Are you going to be putting this on YouTube?
If no, go read "If no," for question 2 again. Do not come back.
If yes, are you serious? And go to question 4.
4. Is there a sub-minor involved?
There is no "If yes" for this. You are a hillbilly and you need to give me the camera.
I'm not saying that you should stop doing dumb shit, or that I myself have never done anything dumb. I've done a lot of dumb shit. Hell, I've done some shit that I'm surprised at this age how I even got out of it alive. But I never filmed most of it. The shit that did end up on film is in the hands of my grandmother, and I'm pretty sure she's going to take it to the grave with her. I think it's some sort of insurance.
I wish I had some sort of point, but I guess if I do have one, it's this: we're all fucking dumb. And we are just not ready for shit like video cameras and the internet. If we were, you wouldn't be hearing about shit like this as much as you do. I'm sure people got their kids high in the 70's and 80's. But you didn't really hear about it, cos no one was filming it. I know kids were beating up each other gang style, but you didn't really hear about it unless it happened in your school.
Whatever happened to just telling people about shit?
And if this entry sucks, it's cos I'm high. I'm sorry.
4.02.2008
4.01.2008
Addendum
Disregard previous post.
No, not an April Fools joke, as that would make me the lamest lame-o ever. Stop fucking saying, "But you already is." If you weren't far away, I'd knife you in the neck, that's how humorless I am today.
This sumbitch that's fixing my car is telling me that not only is the starter fucked, which I already knew, but that the timing belt is fucked. And it's going to cost $1200-1300 to fix. Which is odd, cos the fucking dealer says it's $1050, MAX!!! Furthermore, there's a slim chance that the timing belt is fine.
I am tired and wish to go to sleep. I am also angry and wish to eat mechanic throat right now. And hang his testicles from my rear view.
Maybe not that. It would get a bit foul smelling in there after awhile.
No, not an April Fools joke, as that would make me the lamest lame-o ever. Stop fucking saying, "But you already is." If you weren't far away, I'd knife you in the neck, that's how humorless I am today.
This sumbitch that's fixing my car is telling me that not only is the starter fucked, which I already knew, but that the timing belt is fucked. And it's going to cost $1200-1300 to fix. Which is odd, cos the fucking dealer says it's $1050, MAX!!! Furthermore, there's a slim chance that the timing belt is fine.
I am tired and wish to go to sleep. I am also angry and wish to eat mechanic throat right now. And hang his testicles from my rear view.
Maybe not that. It would get a bit foul smelling in there after awhile.
Bastards of Peace!
So the second love of my life(behind Banana and before the dog), our 2001 Volkswagen Jetta has decided that it will not work when required to do so. Doom on you, Jetta. Well, not really. Don't take that shit personally, baby. I don't mean it. Really. I only mean it part of the way.
Anyway, there's nothing more frustrating than getting in your car to go buy groceries and an external hard drive to find out that the money you were going to throw at a hard drive must now be used to fix your car.
These things happen, I suppose. I guess it's good that it happened while at home instead of at a store somewhere. That shit is the worst. There's nothing worse than coming out of the supermarket with a shit-ton of liquor and condoms(edit: not in Mass, you ain't coming out of no store like that), only to find that your vehicle will not work as ordered.
TRUE STORY: Once when I did not have a car, I had to take a cab in-town to Shaw's to buy some beer and rubbers. When the cab driver saw what I had, he asked me: "Big plans for tonight??" My response? "Yeah. Just cos they're kids don't mean they ain't got the same right to safe sex as you and I." I was attempting to imply that I was buying booze and rubbers for kids, but I guess he thought that I was going to liquor up some children, then fuck them. He said nothing to me the rest of the ride home, and I'm pretty sure he probably thought of calling the police. I lost a little bit of faith in humanity when no police showed up at my door.
So the car is going to be getting fixed today, and I hope that I'm not going to get ass-raped by the cost. I'm not going to a VW dealer for this very same reason. Just cos you have a fancy jumpsuit with your Euro-centric sounding name(Hans...I verk in auto repair) doesn't mean you get to charge me $70 an hour for labor.
I found me a certified dude online, works on Audi's, VW's, Beamers, Mercedes, and Porsche. Yeah, that Porsche. I figure if they're working on Porsches, they're less likely to put your vehicle back together with bailing wire, duct tape, and twist-ties. It's an engine mount on a $70,000 automobile, you can't use superglue on that.
Plus they had some good reviews, too. People said they take care of that shit. And I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
That's all I got for right now. I'm sure as the day goes on, and my coffee intake increases, I'll find something else to get all surly about. Just to make sure, I'm going to brew another pot and go to Drudge Report. That guy always has something.
I also have some horrifically violent mysogistic movies to watch, too. That should be good for a laugh.
Anyway, there's nothing more frustrating than getting in your car to go buy groceries and an external hard drive to find out that the money you were going to throw at a hard drive must now be used to fix your car.
These things happen, I suppose. I guess it's good that it happened while at home instead of at a store somewhere. That shit is the worst. There's nothing worse than coming out of the supermarket with a shit-ton of liquor and condoms(edit: not in Mass, you ain't coming out of no store like that), only to find that your vehicle will not work as ordered.
TRUE STORY: Once when I did not have a car, I had to take a cab in-town to Shaw's to buy some beer and rubbers. When the cab driver saw what I had, he asked me: "Big plans for tonight??" My response? "Yeah. Just cos they're kids don't mean they ain't got the same right to safe sex as you and I." I was attempting to imply that I was buying booze and rubbers for kids, but I guess he thought that I was going to liquor up some children, then fuck them. He said nothing to me the rest of the ride home, and I'm pretty sure he probably thought of calling the police. I lost a little bit of faith in humanity when no police showed up at my door.
So the car is going to be getting fixed today, and I hope that I'm not going to get ass-raped by the cost. I'm not going to a VW dealer for this very same reason. Just cos you have a fancy jumpsuit with your Euro-centric sounding name(Hans...I verk in auto repair) doesn't mean you get to charge me $70 an hour for labor.
I found me a certified dude online, works on Audi's, VW's, Beamers, Mercedes, and Porsche. Yeah, that Porsche. I figure if they're working on Porsches, they're less likely to put your vehicle back together with bailing wire, duct tape, and twist-ties. It's an engine mount on a $70,000 automobile, you can't use superglue on that.
Plus they had some good reviews, too. People said they take care of that shit. And I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
That's all I got for right now. I'm sure as the day goes on, and my coffee intake increases, I'll find something else to get all surly about. Just to make sure, I'm going to brew another pot and go to Drudge Report. That guy always has something.
I also have some horrifically violent mysogistic movies to watch, too. That should be good for a laugh.
3.31.2008
Goddamn you PETA.
This is fucking horrifying.
And that's all I can really say about it. Fucking PETA seriously has issues.
And that's all I can really say about it. Fucking PETA seriously has issues.
3.28.2008
File under: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Hey there gang. Anyone see 'John Rambo', AKA 'Rambo IV', AKA 'Rambo 4', AKA 'Whoa!'?? Yeah, I know, it came out in January, but I have this problem where I don't have all that much money, and Banana wouldn't go see that shit with me anyway.
Well I downloaded the motherfucker, and sweet Jesus on the fucking mountain top of blood and guts, this movie is sweet. Sure, it's not going to win any awards, unless they start giving them out for "Best Use of a Mounted .50 Machine Gun Blowing Burmese Military In Fucking Half"...but that's not the point. Rambo movies have always been about kicking ass and taking names, and this one does that in spades. I mean, I don't even know how this movie got an R rating. There's guts and innards and a dude blowing peoples heads off with a fucking .50 sniper rifle.
Which is great, cos right after the top half of his head is blown off, he goes flying back about 20 feet. No shit.
I guess I could justify these Rambo movies being all badass by saying that they're some sort of social critique of the times, i.e. 'First Blood' is what happens when you fuck with the vets when they come back from 'Nam, and it sort of addressed that hatred, blah blah blah. I'm not going to do that, cos I never really looked at them as that. I always saw them as an excuse to have one man beat the hell out of a whole bunch with arrows that exploded. And it was sort of giving the middle finger to Vietnam, you know, cos we lost that one at home. It was sort of a way for John Q. Public to feel all good about it. "Yeah, we fucking lost, but we won this time!!"
Whatever man, it's a movie. It's a movie where people get fucked up, blown all to shit, and I really like that. If you see any movie this year where a man gets his goddamn throat torn out, you owe to yourself to see 'John Rambo'.
Now I have to go. 'Assassins Creed' is here, and I needs to do some assassinating.
Well I downloaded the motherfucker, and sweet Jesus on the fucking mountain top of blood and guts, this movie is sweet. Sure, it's not going to win any awards, unless they start giving them out for "Best Use of a Mounted .50 Machine Gun Blowing Burmese Military In Fucking Half"...but that's not the point. Rambo movies have always been about kicking ass and taking names, and this one does that in spades. I mean, I don't even know how this movie got an R rating. There's guts and innards and a dude blowing peoples heads off with a fucking .50 sniper rifle.
Which is great, cos right after the top half of his head is blown off, he goes flying back about 20 feet. No shit.
I guess I could justify these Rambo movies being all badass by saying that they're some sort of social critique of the times, i.e. 'First Blood' is what happens when you fuck with the vets when they come back from 'Nam, and it sort of addressed that hatred, blah blah blah. I'm not going to do that, cos I never really looked at them as that. I always saw them as an excuse to have one man beat the hell out of a whole bunch with arrows that exploded. And it was sort of giving the middle finger to Vietnam, you know, cos we lost that one at home. It was sort of a way for John Q. Public to feel all good about it. "Yeah, we fucking lost, but we won this time!!"
Whatever man, it's a movie. It's a movie where people get fucked up, blown all to shit, and I really like that. If you see any movie this year where a man gets his goddamn throat torn out, you owe to yourself to see 'John Rambo'.
Now I have to go. 'Assassins Creed' is here, and I needs to do some assassinating.
3.13.2008
Elliot...Elliot...ELL-E-OTT!!
The last part of that title was me doing E.T. Just in case you didn't know.
Also, in case you couldn't figure it out from the title, this entry is going to be about our boy, Elliott Spitzer. He's a hard drivin' son of a bitch, dedicated to cleaning up corporate malfeasance and making it so your average joe can't go out and pay some random woman $20 for a blow job in the front seat of his Buick Century. This is the same guy that railed against GTA(Grand Theft Auto for those not in the know) for allowing "children to pick up prostitutes, pay them for sex, and then kill them to get their cash back". This is the same guy that said he knows all about wiretaps, but then gets caught by one. The very same motherfucker that admits he knows that banks have to report to the federal government large transactions, especially if they are asked to be broken up into smaller chunks. Oh yeah, he did that one, too.
Check out how fucking Valium'd out his wife looks in that picture. Or maybe she's on the Xanax, I don't know. I find it hard to keep up with all the psychotropic drugs that housewives are dosing themselves with these days. But check her face out. I circled it and then put arrows pointing towards it, in red, so you couldn't miss it.
Doesn't she just look absolutely pickled to be there? I'm willing to bet that she'd rather be anywhere other than there; places such as Hitler's Bunker while the Red Army is advancing, the set of that 2 Girls 1 Cup video, Santa's Workshop during crunch time, and hell...even the fucking Vatican when they were trying to figure out how to explain the whole "Priest diddling kids" thing.
Actually, I bet that last one wasn't that bad. The Vatican has shitloads of cash. Shitloads.
Speaking of which, did you know that they came up with new mortal sins the other day??? The fuckin' Vatican came up with them! I thought only god could do that, but I guess all you need to be is some high ranking Vatican official and you get to decide that drug trafficking is bad.
But really though, do you think that's necessary? Like there's a bunch of drug traffickers that are all of the sudden going to be worried about condemning their souls to eternal torment all because the Vatican said it's bad??? These guys have spent most of the 80's chopping off breasts and hands with machetes without worrying about going to hell. I don't think they're going to start now.
Also: littering and not recycling- totally hell-worthy right now. I used to pride myself on littering. When I was done with something and driving, that shit would go straight out the fucking window, didn't matter what. Soda can, hamburger wrapper, plutonium, it all went out the window. If I wasn't hellbound before, I'm fucking front row center now for the concert to end all concerts.
I just don't see god giving a shit whether or not you decide to throw your gum wrapper on the ground or not as a reason for you to spend all of eternity being sodomized by demons. What if you find the cure for cancer....wait, that would be interfering with god's plan, so I guess that ones out. Hold on, lemme think of something that god doesn't have a problem with...okay. Got it.
So let's say you spend your whole life doing good shit that doesn't interfere with gods' fucked up logic. But let's say that at some point, you're out in nature, doing something and you forget about the ATM receipt that falls out of your pocket. That shit falls on the ground. And we all know that paper is about the third most destructive thing to the environment(first two are Paris Hilton and Uwe Bolls movies). Your ass is doomed to Hell forevers, bro. All cos you didn't hold the environment in the proper reverence that god intended for you to.
But here's the thing: Humanity is pretty much given carte fuckin' blanche to use the planet how they see fit in the Old Testament. I mean, god more or less says, "Yeah, you guys do whatever man. It's all yours." If you doubt me, look it up. I think he says something about all the plants, herbs, and animals as we see fit. If we see fit to use a bunch of plants by paving them the fuck over for a parking lot, isn't that our discretion? God didn't say, "You guys can use this shit, but just run it by me before you do so I can sign off on it."
I don't even know why I bother with all this malarky. I don't believe in god, but unfortunately I have to believe in the assholes that claim to represent his word. They're on fucking CNN for fuck's sake. And I can only deal with the Hilary/Obama cage match for so long. Speaking of Hilary, here's a picture to confuse your boners(those of you that are male):
I mean, how confusing is this?? Your penis is all, "Hey, it's Natalie Portman's nipples and OH MY FUCKING CHRIST IT'S ZOMBIE HILLARY!!! RUN, BITCH!!!". I know that when I'm looking at this, I don't know whether to beat off or weep uncontrollably.
Also, in case you couldn't figure it out from the title, this entry is going to be about our boy, Elliott Spitzer. He's a hard drivin' son of a bitch, dedicated to cleaning up corporate malfeasance and making it so your average joe can't go out and pay some random woman $20 for a blow job in the front seat of his Buick Century. This is the same guy that railed against GTA(Grand Theft Auto for those not in the know) for allowing "children to pick up prostitutes, pay them for sex, and then kill them to get their cash back". This is the same guy that said he knows all about wiretaps, but then gets caught by one. The very same motherfucker that admits he knows that banks have to report to the federal government large transactions, especially if they are asked to be broken up into smaller chunks. Oh yeah, he did that one, too.
Check out how fucking Valium'd out his wife looks in that picture. Or maybe she's on the Xanax, I don't know. I find it hard to keep up with all the psychotropic drugs that housewives are dosing themselves with these days. But check her face out. I circled it and then put arrows pointing towards it, in red, so you couldn't miss it.
Doesn't she just look absolutely pickled to be there? I'm willing to bet that she'd rather be anywhere other than there; places such as Hitler's Bunker while the Red Army is advancing, the set of that 2 Girls 1 Cup video, Santa's Workshop during crunch time, and hell...even the fucking Vatican when they were trying to figure out how to explain the whole "Priest diddling kids" thing.
Actually, I bet that last one wasn't that bad. The Vatican has shitloads of cash. Shitloads.
Speaking of which, did you know that they came up with new mortal sins the other day??? The fuckin' Vatican came up with them! I thought only god could do that, but I guess all you need to be is some high ranking Vatican official and you get to decide that drug trafficking is bad.
But really though, do you think that's necessary? Like there's a bunch of drug traffickers that are all of the sudden going to be worried about condemning their souls to eternal torment all because the Vatican said it's bad??? These guys have spent most of the 80's chopping off breasts and hands with machetes without worrying about going to hell. I don't think they're going to start now.
Also: littering and not recycling- totally hell-worthy right now. I used to pride myself on littering. When I was done with something and driving, that shit would go straight out the fucking window, didn't matter what. Soda can, hamburger wrapper, plutonium, it all went out the window. If I wasn't hellbound before, I'm fucking front row center now for the concert to end all concerts.
I just don't see god giving a shit whether or not you decide to throw your gum wrapper on the ground or not as a reason for you to spend all of eternity being sodomized by demons. What if you find the cure for cancer....wait, that would be interfering with god's plan, so I guess that ones out. Hold on, lemme think of something that god doesn't have a problem with...okay. Got it.
So let's say you spend your whole life doing good shit that doesn't interfere with gods' fucked up logic. But let's say that at some point, you're out in nature, doing something and you forget about the ATM receipt that falls out of your pocket. That shit falls on the ground. And we all know that paper is about the third most destructive thing to the environment(first two are Paris Hilton and Uwe Bolls movies). Your ass is doomed to Hell forevers, bro. All cos you didn't hold the environment in the proper reverence that god intended for you to.
But here's the thing: Humanity is pretty much given carte fuckin' blanche to use the planet how they see fit in the Old Testament. I mean, god more or less says, "Yeah, you guys do whatever man. It's all yours." If you doubt me, look it up. I think he says something about all the plants, herbs, and animals as we see fit. If we see fit to use a bunch of plants by paving them the fuck over for a parking lot, isn't that our discretion? God didn't say, "You guys can use this shit, but just run it by me before you do so I can sign off on it."
I don't even know why I bother with all this malarky. I don't believe in god, but unfortunately I have to believe in the assholes that claim to represent his word. They're on fucking CNN for fuck's sake. And I can only deal with the Hilary/Obama cage match for so long. Speaking of Hilary, here's a picture to confuse your boners(those of you that are male):
I mean, how confusing is this?? Your penis is all, "Hey, it's Natalie Portman's nipples and OH MY FUCKING CHRIST IT'S ZOMBIE HILLARY!!! RUN, BITCH!!!". I know that when I'm looking at this, I don't know whether to beat off or weep uncontrollably.
3.07.2008
IFC is the shit
Check it out y'all, you can join up with some Christian dating site and date none other than fucking Powder himself!! How sick is that?! I thought he turned into lightening at the end of that move while Jeff Goldblum and Mary Steenburgen were running after him and shit. But, I guess that he came back from Metallica-Land to get him some prime Christian poon.
Can't say as I blame him. That chick looks like a freak. And plus, Powder probably shoots about 300 volts out of his "cattle prod" whenever he pops his cork, so she's gotta be into some freaky shit.
I've never watched the IFC channel in my life, cos I think of it in the same terms as I do other uppity bastards, and I don't really own a pipe or a smoking jacket. But after last night, that's changed, cos these sons of bitches don't edit their movies for shit. 'Boogie Nights' was on it all it's fake huge cock and tits glory. And it was sort of nice to see Heather Grahams rack again. And to watch her and Juliane Moore get all whacked on coke.
Speaking of Juliane Moore, did any of you ever see 'Alien Nation'? Don't the freckles on Juliane Moore's shoulders make her look like a Newcomer? I tried to find a picture for you guys that would adequately show it, but they were all gay press photos or scenes of "dramatic tension", and it doesn't work out that well. So you can go google "Alien Nation" and check it out for your damn selves. I don't have to do all the work around here.
Also: Patrick Swayze totally has pancreatic cancer, which if you don't know, is the same cancer that took the all-too-funny Bill Hicks way ahead of time. Apparently, pancreatic cancer is one of the ass kickers/name takers of cancer; something like 4% of those diagnosed with it live past five years. Ouch. And yes, I was joking when I was overjoyed about the whole diagnosis thing.
But I think there's something else we should talk about here. I think we should talk about when the fuck National Enquirer became a fucking credible news source. Last I knew, they were the guys that were talking about aliens meeting with Bill Clinton and discussing whether or not to enslave us and take all our water(guess the sci-fi reference!). Now they're making major scoops about starts that no one has cared about for four years or so.
Someone tell me: did I wake up in Bizarro world?
DON'T FUCK WITH SWORDS.
3.05.2008
Hey, it could totally be true
So take this for what it's worth, but the National Enquirer is reporting that Patrick Swayze has some sort of haggard cancer and has about five weeks to live. Check it out. Of course, this is the National Enquirer we're talking about here, so who knows how valid this is. But a ton of other "reputable" news sources are running with this info. And by reputable, I mean Perez Hilton and Transworld News...whoever the fuck they are.
Seriously, if this is true....YES!!!! Take that, you son of a bitch!!! This is your punishment for fucking 'Ghost' and 'Dirty Dancing' and every other shitty movie you made. Hell, it might even be some round-about punishment for 'Point Break'. Don't get me wrong, I dig 'Red Dawn' and 'The Outsiders', but I swear to fucking Christ, 'Ghost' makes me want to blow my goddamn brains all over the wall. And if it wasn't for 'Dirty Dancing', we wouldn't have all those shitty cruise line commercials. You know, the ones where they're singing, "I haaaaaaaaaaaad....the time of my liiiiiiife!". We know you had the time of your life. You're on a goddamn cruise.
Jesus.
But here's something else that's fun. Can you imagine being on a plane with just four other people? I'd be throwing a Nerf football around or some shit. Or just changing my seat every couple of minutes. And fuck those stupid eco-nerds that are talking about shit like "carbon footprints" and "CO2 loads". What the fuck is that? Carbon footprint?? Are you serious??? You know that there are people just sitting around in a room somewhere, eating fucking tofu and humus and shit, thinking up new words to make us feel bad for driving. Or using a plastic bag. Or just...just doing whatever. If it was up to some of these dorks, we'd all be living in trees burning candles made of beeswax that was taken from abandoned hives so as not to disturb the bees.
It's called the foodchain, bitches. And we're at the top. I'm not advocating just being a total ass and dumping motor oil down the drain and shit like that, but do you think that wolves give a flying fuck about their environment? Do you really think that they're sitting there thinking, "Jesus, I hope we're not over-hunting this herd of deer. That would be a goddamn shame if we were." Of course they don't, because wolves don't pollute(apparently, they give a hoot), but you get what I'm saying. Being at the top means that you're more or less in a position to do whatever the hell you want. You earned it. You crawled your way up there and thumped your chest, then gave the finger to the animals below you.
However, and there is always a "however", we are in a unique position that other animals aren't in, due to our ability to reason, our self-awareness, blah blah blah. We realize that our actions do have an effect on the world around us, and that we have to be careful about how we do our thang. We can't just run willy-nilly over this world, not cos we'll wreck the planet(how incredibly arrogant of us to assume so), but because we only have so much. We really need to be sort of careful and not just go burning through fuel, especially now that fucking China and India have decided they want to join the 21st century and quit riding bicycles everywhere.
So here's my point, eco-fags. Stop talking about fucking carbon footprints and all that shit. Cos I am a dude, and I am stupid. Whenever you talk about a carbon footprint, all I can think about is a dick-waving contest and how I want the biggest carbon footprint in the world. Remember that movie 'Kung Fu Hustle'? Remember the Buddha Palm move? I want that shit to be my carbon footprint.
Seriously, if this is true....YES!!!! Take that, you son of a bitch!!! This is your punishment for fucking 'Ghost' and 'Dirty Dancing' and every other shitty movie you made. Hell, it might even be some round-about punishment for 'Point Break'. Don't get me wrong, I dig 'Red Dawn' and 'The Outsiders', but I swear to fucking Christ, 'Ghost' makes me want to blow my goddamn brains all over the wall. And if it wasn't for 'Dirty Dancing', we wouldn't have all those shitty cruise line commercials. You know, the ones where they're singing, "I haaaaaaaaaaaad....the time of my liiiiiiife!". We know you had the time of your life. You're on a goddamn cruise.
Jesus.
But here's something else that's fun. Can you imagine being on a plane with just four other people? I'd be throwing a Nerf football around or some shit. Or just changing my seat every couple of minutes. And fuck those stupid eco-nerds that are talking about shit like "carbon footprints" and "CO2 loads". What the fuck is that? Carbon footprint?? Are you serious??? You know that there are people just sitting around in a room somewhere, eating fucking tofu and humus and shit, thinking up new words to make us feel bad for driving. Or using a plastic bag. Or just...just doing whatever. If it was up to some of these dorks, we'd all be living in trees burning candles made of beeswax that was taken from abandoned hives so as not to disturb the bees.
It's called the foodchain, bitches. And we're at the top. I'm not advocating just being a total ass and dumping motor oil down the drain and shit like that, but do you think that wolves give a flying fuck about their environment? Do you really think that they're sitting there thinking, "Jesus, I hope we're not over-hunting this herd of deer. That would be a goddamn shame if we were." Of course they don't, because wolves don't pollute(apparently, they give a hoot), but you get what I'm saying. Being at the top means that you're more or less in a position to do whatever the hell you want. You earned it. You crawled your way up there and thumped your chest, then gave the finger to the animals below you.
However, and there is always a "however", we are in a unique position that other animals aren't in, due to our ability to reason, our self-awareness, blah blah blah. We realize that our actions do have an effect on the world around us, and that we have to be careful about how we do our thang. We can't just run willy-nilly over this world, not cos we'll wreck the planet(how incredibly arrogant of us to assume so), but because we only have so much. We really need to be sort of careful and not just go burning through fuel, especially now that fucking China and India have decided they want to join the 21st century and quit riding bicycles everywhere.
So here's my point, eco-fags. Stop talking about fucking carbon footprints and all that shit. Cos I am a dude, and I am stupid. Whenever you talk about a carbon footprint, all I can think about is a dick-waving contest and how I want the biggest carbon footprint in the world. Remember that movie 'Kung Fu Hustle'? Remember the Buddha Palm move? I want that shit to be my carbon footprint.
3.02.2008
Set the world on fire!
I watched about 16hrs of Jackass yesterday. Yeah, it was the re-run of when they took over MTV, and I'm a big fan of people getting the shit knocked out of them by their own hand. Apparently Anna is too, cos she sat right along and chucked with me. Which I guess is rad, cos Jackass is primarily a dude show.
16hrs though. Goddamn, that's a lot of fucking drunk retards punching each other in the balls. I wish I'd counted, cos I'm pretty sure that there was about 1.63 shots to the groin every ten to fifteen minutes. And for all you sons of bitches that believe life imitates art...well, suck it. If it did, every male in this country would be sterile before age of 15. Actually, I'm surprised that most of us aren't already. Every dude I know has had that one accident with his bike at least twice. You know what I'm talking about. You're riding on the seat and you hit a bump. And you discover just how wonderfully that bar can cleave your testicles in two.
Which reminds me: why is it that the girls got that sloped down center bar with their lack of external genitalia? But us guys, with our poor sensitive, nerve-ridden beanbags....we get the bar that's about an inch and a half away from the seat. Good move, bike engineers. I'm sorry that you don't have balls and you're angry about it, but why did you do this to us??
I should stop talking about balls for awhile. People are going to start thinking things....
Since I'm about 15 years behind the whole "technology thing"(the most advanced piece of equipment I have in my house is an Xbox 360), I just recently figured out that if you go to Google video and search something, most of the stuff on there you can download in a format that you can slang onto your iPod or whatever. And I got all excited and threw two of the old Big Brother videos on there, which is like proto-Jackass. And it's great, cos while something looks like shit when it's all blown up, it looks really good on your little 1.25" iPod screen...especially if you have a magnifying glass.
Hiii-oh!!!!
16hrs though. Goddamn, that's a lot of fucking drunk retards punching each other in the balls. I wish I'd counted, cos I'm pretty sure that there was about 1.63 shots to the groin every ten to fifteen minutes. And for all you sons of bitches that believe life imitates art...well, suck it. If it did, every male in this country would be sterile before age of 15. Actually, I'm surprised that most of us aren't already. Every dude I know has had that one accident with his bike at least twice. You know what I'm talking about. You're riding on the seat and you hit a bump. And you discover just how wonderfully that bar can cleave your testicles in two.
Which reminds me: why is it that the girls got that sloped down center bar with their lack of external genitalia? But us guys, with our poor sensitive, nerve-ridden beanbags....we get the bar that's about an inch and a half away from the seat. Good move, bike engineers. I'm sorry that you don't have balls and you're angry about it, but why did you do this to us??
I should stop talking about balls for awhile. People are going to start thinking things....
Since I'm about 15 years behind the whole "technology thing"(the most advanced piece of equipment I have in my house is an Xbox 360), I just recently figured out that if you go to Google video and search something, most of the stuff on there you can download in a format that you can slang onto your iPod or whatever. And I got all excited and threw two of the old Big Brother videos on there, which is like proto-Jackass. And it's great, cos while something looks like shit when it's all blown up, it looks really good on your little 1.25" iPod screen...especially if you have a magnifying glass.
Hiii-oh!!!!
2.21.2008
2.14.2008
Lest I forget
This is a true, 100% factual conversation.
Insurance Operator: "Okay, just a few more questions. And how many wheels does your car have?"
Me: "Uhh...four?"
Insurance Operator: "Okay Mr. *****, blah blah blah."
Come on now. What did they think I was going to say, six???
"Oh yeah, when I'm not hanging in East Boston smoking and drinking with the cholo's, I like to take my eight-wheel vehicle out into Dorchester Bay and roll around in the swamp and smash old Irish Mob corpses into dust."
I guess that Mass has some serious rules when it comes to car insurance. Which is kinda funny, cos I always thought that liberal meant "whatever you wanna do, broseph" or at least "dude, if that's cool with you and doesn't fuck my shit up, go for it. Go for it hard.".
It would appear not. It would appear that liberalism is just as fascist as the conservative faction.
But seriously now: how many wheels does your car have?? I ask you, George Jetson, how many wheels does your car have?!?!?!?!?!
Insurance Operator: "Okay, just a few more questions. And how many wheels does your car have?"
Me: "Uhh...four?"
Insurance Operator: "Okay Mr. *****, blah blah blah."
Come on now. What did they think I was going to say, six???
"Oh yeah, when I'm not hanging in East Boston smoking and drinking with the cholo's, I like to take my eight-wheel vehicle out into Dorchester Bay and roll around in the swamp and smash old Irish Mob corpses into dust."
I guess that Mass has some serious rules when it comes to car insurance. Which is kinda funny, cos I always thought that liberal meant "whatever you wanna do, broseph" or at least "dude, if that's cool with you and doesn't fuck my shit up, go for it. Go for it hard.".
It would appear not. It would appear that liberalism is just as fascist as the conservative faction.
But seriously now: how many wheels does your car have?? I ask you, George Jetson, how many wheels does your car have?!?!?!?!?!
Can I tell you about my abortion experience??
Do yourselves a favor and at least wait until the caller calls in. It sort of makes me wish that I lived down south, where they had all this shit. We have public access stuff up here, but it's all King Jah the mumblin' Rastafarian. And some Mexican stuff. And well, it's not as funny to call them up and prank them, cos A) they don't know what you're saying; and B) it's always so very, very funny to fuck with the religious right. Cocksuckers.
Speaking of cocksuckers, PETA has decided to send an open(read: You don't want our help, but we want to ride your publicity wake) letter to Britney Spears and her Mommy Dearest in which they more or less tell them that eating animal products will make you crazy. Yeah, that's right. Bipolar people are often "hidden dairy sensitives", which sounds almost sci-fi to me. Like in the future, there's going to be people in space, but not a lot of cows. And they're going to use "dairy sensitives" to psychically find them, so we can drink their milk and have strong bones and teeth. Cos we all know that space fucks up your bones something fierce.
Also, they say that there is a link between eating meat and the development of schizophrenia. They specifically say undercooked meat, but whatever.
If that was the case, I'm pretty sure that I would be masturbating in a pile of my own feces right now. My parents were firm believers in the four food groups when I was young(we didn't have no goddamn food pyramid!!), so I ate my fair share of undercooked meat. And while I may be a lot of things, I know that I'm not schizophrenic. This is just another instance of PETA trying to get their stupid agenda pushed forward. We get it, Ingrid. We get that you'd rather fuck an animal than a human. Which is good, cos god bless any human that fucks you. You're not attractive. At all.
Also, Breaking Bad, which is on AMC, is my new addictive show. Fuck you, Heroes. I'd rather see Malcolm's dad cook meth, clean up body goop, smoke pot, and choke a Hispandex dude with a bike lock than see Peter Petrelli mope around for 13 episodes.
Unless, you know, you're planning on coming back next week....in which case, I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean it.
2.07.2008
The real downfall of America
Yeah, I guess I could say something about that being NSFW, but you can see any dang. It's probably NSFP, cos if you have a weiner, you're probably going to start thinking some things:
1. Why? Are your friends around? Have you been drinking? Did you feel compelled to impress the internet? Cos seriously bro, you're going to have to go a lot farther than that.
2. Um, do you hate your dick? I mean, do you really, really hate it? Cos if so, just pay someone to kick you.
3. Goddammit. Why do I even bother going online?
And then I realize why I do. To bring you people this: Safe For Work Pornography. Go ahead and check it out. You can thank me later.
2.06.2008
Is there a silver lining in your ASS???
I suppose if one were to look for an upside to being home all day, every day, it's that I'm getting a lot done in Paper Mario. And PGR3. And um...well, that's about it, really. I have also been watching a lot of Judge [Insert name here]. So far, my favorite is Judge Alex. I don't know why, but it seems like he's on top of shit when it comes to finding the most fucked up people he can.
Okay, that's a lie. There's this sassy black judge, too, but I think that's Divorce Court or some shit. I'm not really paying attention, most of the time. Sure, it's on, but I'm looking at porn or videos of teenagers smashing their teeth out.
It's a way to survive.
So there's a lot of cool stuff about living here: bodega's, Korean convience/corner stores, living in the best sports town on the East Coast(dare I say the world???), a subway, and the best thing....minivans with rims.
I'm not shitting you. There are Grand Voyagers and Windstars with fucking rims on them, like rims you would see on a riceburner or a really cheap Mercedes. It's really hilarious. I'm going to try and get a picture for you guys, cos you have to see this shit. It's almost like some dude was pissed that he had to get rid of his pimped out pussy-mobile for a kidwagon, but goddammit, he's not giving up the fact that he's so street, people park their goddamn cars on him. So since I have nothing else to say, today, and plus I want to watch some anime, I'm just going to end it with this: I salute you, sir. I salute the fact that you're so pissed about having to drive your kids around in a minivan that you mack that shit out with a set of 17" rims. Myself and every West Coast rapper and the cast of Boyz In Tha Hood salute you, sir.
Okay, that's a lie. There's this sassy black judge, too, but I think that's Divorce Court or some shit. I'm not really paying attention, most of the time. Sure, it's on, but I'm looking at porn or videos of teenagers smashing their teeth out.
It's a way to survive.
So there's a lot of cool stuff about living here: bodega's, Korean convience/corner stores, living in the best sports town on the East Coast(dare I say the world???), a subway, and the best thing....minivans with rims.
I'm not shitting you. There are Grand Voyagers and Windstars with fucking rims on them, like rims you would see on a riceburner or a really cheap Mercedes. It's really hilarious. I'm going to try and get a picture for you guys, cos you have to see this shit. It's almost like some dude was pissed that he had to get rid of his pimped out pussy-mobile for a kidwagon, but goddammit, he's not giving up the fact that he's so street, people park their goddamn cars on him. So since I have nothing else to say, today, and plus I want to watch some anime, I'm just going to end it with this: I salute you, sir. I salute the fact that you're so pissed about having to drive your kids around in a minivan that you mack that shit out with a set of 17" rims. Myself and every West Coast rapper and the cast of Boyz In Tha Hood salute you, sir.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
