It's like being smashed in the face with a planet

Yes, NFL Network, we get it.
We get it that you're the NFL Network, hence you have the right to EVERY NFL game EVAR. We get it that you're so NFL, you can't even pass the other networks in the hall without caving in the sternum of ESPN. We get it that you're so cool, you let a game that is more or less meaningless to 90% of the viewing audience(cos let's face it: no one wants to see the Pats go 16-0 except for about 1/250th of the nation).
So lay off the goddamn commercials about how B.A. you are. We get it already.
Damn.

Did he just fart in space?

More about Mass Effect, cos I like it and it's fucking awesome.

So I recently nuked some planet and left one of my crew behind. I hope that doesn't hinder the ending in some way. It was one of my biotic(read: magic) dudes, the operative word being "dude". See, I'm trying to bang one of two chicks I can bang on the ship, and since I'm not quite sure I want to be nailing blue vag just yet, I'm keeping the other human chick alive. Until I'm sure that I'm not going to get smurf wiener or I know for certain that inside her baby tunnel, a million razor-sharp teeth are not waiting in some inhuman maw.
Seriously, it's a possibility. Her species is genderless. They repopulate in tubes or some shit. They just kinda look female. Which I guess makes the whole species lesbian in nature, but whatever.
So yeah, I nuked the planet. Left a guy behind. And now everyone on the ship is all, "Waaah, the Lt. is dust now. Why didn't you leave me??" Of course, everyone being the human chick I would like to put it in. She just doesn't get that despite having a first name of 'Boner', Cmdr. Sheppard is not gay.

Which reminds me: the whole time this game is going on, there's a chance that my crew is facing the end of all that is. I mean like the whole goddamn universe, everything. It's all gone if I fuck this up. The machine gods(I'm not kidding) are going to come and ruin everything, and I've been running around the goddamn universe like a chicken with my head cut off trying to stop it, and the one thing, the one goddamn thing that I want....is a little comfort. Hell, I'd be happy with a hug right now. I've had to make some hard choices, and these frigid bitches on my ship aren't even giving me a light touch on the shoulder, one of those touches that says, "Hey there, sir. I know that you've had to make some hard choices, and you've got a lot of your shoulders, being the first human SPECTRE and all. You've got the Council on one hand treating you like some retarded child with a pulse rifle, and then you've got the humans on the other telling you to hurry up and save the universe so that the Council will no longer look at us as if you're retarded. Tell you what, come down to this corner of the ship that I'm always in, time doesn't matter cos I'll be here, but you come down here and I'll take off whatever the hell it is that I'm wearing, and I'll let you fire a couple of shots into my blue alien butthole(I'm assuming that she has one, you know, for elimination of waste and farting), cos that what all humans like. Taboo anal sex. With an alien. Then after the experimentation is done, you can go back to your vanilla relationship with that borderline lesbian fighting machine upstairs. Sound good?"
There's a lot of talking in this game. Really.

While we're on the subject of interstellar love in the far future, let's talk about how you can be a chick and romance the other chicks, leading to either some totally hot girl on girl action, or girl on genderless alien with female appearance action. That shit is rad, and I may check that out on future play-through's of the game, as I've heard you get to see the blue chick's side boob. Nice.
But I doubt it. I was never one to play as a chick. Sure, it sounds great and all, but I just can't extend my disbelief far enough for me to believe that: a) chicks are good fighters; b) chicks will be put in charge of super-advanced military technology; or c) chicks will ever save anything other than coupons. I'm sorry, that's just how it is. But I guess...I guess it's a game, and the implausible can happen.
Anyway, so you can play a chick and do the dyke romance. Hot. But what I really, really want is some hot dude on dude action. That would be fucking hilarious. Can you imagine?? Cmdr. Boner Sheppard is up on the bridge, looking at some fucking blinking lights or some shit(cos in the future, that's all you get to stare at on space ships; windows are for cretins), and one of your subordinates comes up there...
-Tough decision you had to make there Cmdr. Do you need to talk about it?
-I knew I'd have to make these decisions when I took on this job. Every soldier does. It's part of the territory. But....but thank you, Lt. It means a lot to me, your offer.
-You know, sir, since you became a SPECTRE, I'm not really a subordinate anymore.(rests hand on shoulder)Unless you want me to be.
(a knowing glance is exchanged....)
And then it's just straight up hardcore gay sex. I'm talking the kind of hardcore gay sex where heads are being smashed into lockers, there's bruises on shoulders from being gripped so hard, and of course someone has to go to the medical bay afterward for butthole stitches, cos something was torn like a goddamn piece of paper. And then the Lt. would be walking funny for the rest of the game, cos you know he'd be the one to get all tore up. Cos let's face it, if you're gay, it's going to be really hard to get people to take you seriously if you want to save the universe, flying around in that fruity little ship of yours.
And it's going to be really, really, really hard to get them to take you seriously if you're sitting on some silly little pillow cos you got your asshole ripped open during some strenuous gay sex with your lieutenant. Sure, it's the future and attitudes have changed regarding homo's, but I doubt they've changed regarding people with three stitches in their balloon knot and a donut pillow on the bridge.

I <3 Mass Effect

That's all.

Listen up, punk bitches!!!!!!

Things I have been listening to lately:

nine inch nails- Y34RZ3R0R3M1X3D: It's the remix album for 'year zero', and it starts off with a fucking kick ass track. Trent's been really pushing Saul Williams recently(Saul's album shows up here, too), and he should, cos this dude is where hip-hop might be going...although.....

Saul Williams- The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust!: This is probably the best hip-hop album I've listened to in a couple of years that wasn't at least 5 years old. The dude is definately rapping on this thing, but the beats...I don't know. They range from weird funk stylings to industrial noise. And meanwhile, Saul raps or says his poetry or whatever over the top of it. Whatever, it's kick ass. Not the poetry, though. That's still, and will always be, gay.

GZA/Genius- Liquid Swords: This came out 12 years ago. It is still fucking awesome.

Weezer- Pinkerton: I don't give a shit what Rivers says, this album is probably better than most of their other shit, and it's really a shame that he's more or less disowned it. Another great start off track, and this will probably be soundtrack for writing for some time to come.

Godflesh- Love and Hate in Dub: Godflesh was this band that I just picked up when I was 19 and in college, and I was probably on a shitload of mushrooms and saw this band called "Godflesh". I was somewhat of a militant atheist back then, and I figured that this would piss my parents off to say that I liked it. The album was Songs of Love and Hate, I think. Can't remember. Either way, I stole it from the college radio station and listened to it for about a week. And then spent the rest of the month in the worst depression ever. I literally wanted to kill myself. That's how good Godflesh is. If you're not depressed, you're going to want to burn the whole world away. Fuckin' British people, man....

Gots to go clean up. Things to do today, me boyo's. Things to do today....

Got genocide?

Two(2) things:

1. I was in the supermarket tonight, buying Banana a chocolate bar. Whilst waiting in line, I saw myself a book with the Virgin Mary holding little 9lb. 8oz baby Jesus in her arms. The title of said book?? 'There Was No Snow on Christmas Eve'.
NO SHIT! IT'S THE FUCKING DESERT, YOU FUCKERS!
Goddammit, I mean, what the fuck? I'm sick of these fucking Christians getting all pissed off and trying to take back their holiday. They should just give up and realize that Christmas is all about one thing: cash. It's about buying shit, a lot of shit, and then spending the rest of the next year paying off the bills. It hasn't been about Jesus and all that lame shit since people started getting presents on Christmas. As soon as the gift thing came into the equation, Jesus was totally gone.

2. While in the same supermarket, some chick had a hoodie on that said 'save darfur' on the front of it. And I felt incredibly angry about it. Not cos I'm all for genocide and whatever awful shit is going on there, but that people are so self-absorbed that they think their purchase of some $40 hoodie, or sticking some stupid sign in their front yard is going to save a life half-way across the world. Do you honestly think those machete-wielding maniacs are going to stop hacking off the breasts and limbs of someone and say, "Hey click-click-buuuuuur, some 20-something bank teller bought a sweatshirt and stuck a sign in her front yard. It said, "Save Darfur". And it got me thinking. Maybe...just maybe we shouldn't murder and rape this 14 year old girl. Maybe...just maybe it's wrong."
NO.
Wrong answer.
Most of this shit, from what I've read, is due to tribal tensions. Do you know what that means? It's the fucking Hatfields and McCoy's. These people don't know why they hate each other, they always have. To them, the reason is irrelevant. It's always been that way, so they just go with it.
Furthermore, purchasing a sweatshirt will most likely not do anything, other than make someone with a sweatshirt factory rich.

Ugh. I hate when people do this to me. I hate when they make me get all serious and angry.

I got bit by a shark

This will be short.
I cut my hand at work today. It was great. I bled a lot, and people kept asking if I was okay, and if I was sure I could drive myself to the hospital. Sure, it's a pretty sweet cut, but it's not like I cut off a finger or anything.
But it was cool, and I got about 8 stitches(tho' I not be a bitch). I'll put a picture on here as soon as I can trick Banana into letting me use her Mac to get the picture off my phone.

Shit.

Rhymes with cocksmoker

It's about this time of night when my body starts to give out on me.
Personally, I don't think I'm eating properly for the job that I'm forcing myself to do everyday(sans for the Sabbath; the only food your body needs on that day is the lord), and it's starting to take a serious effect on me.

For example: tired. Mostly all the time. I guess that goes with the territory, seeing as how I'm working out more every day than I have since I was...oh...about 18-19 years old. So yeah, there's a lot of muscle pain that goes on. I think it's them screaming for protein. Could be wrong.
For another example: moody. I know this happens when blood sugar starts to go down. I do a good job of keeping it in check at the homestead, but I can be a right dickweed at work. Seriously. I think I'm probably one of the more popular people there, if by popular I mean "Most Likely to be Killed by Any Method You See Fit". Lucky for me it's a job and not a popularity contest...but boy, if it was.....

I suppose it's all a moot point, anyway. The job will be over soon, I'll be out of the state, and I won't have to worry about the shitty employment opportunities for undereducated know-it-all slackers like myself. Who am I kidding? The job opportunities are going to be just as shitty for a retard like myself, except there's just going to be more retards, hence a need for more employment options for those of the retarded persuasion.
Makes sense, right?
So here's the wacky thing: most of my life, I have wanted to get the fuck out of this state. I've been jealous and somewhat resentful of those that have managed to do it, and now when told that it's time to do so, I'm a little apprehensive about doing so. Main reason is the distance from friends and the fact that I really suck it hard at making new ones. I can make aquaintances like all get out, but the whole friend thing is...difficult. Probably cos I'm such a dickweed.
But, brightside time: concerts, shows, it's there. Boston also has a kick as local music scene. Aaaand, as I've been looking into, a really slick indie comic scene. So maybe I can get down there, find an artist I can work with, and get something else I've been wanting to do, done.

I have more, but this is pissing me off, not having the text show up on the screen when I type it. This lag is irritating me. See?? Not eating properly, right there.

Things to know

If you don't live in the northeast, you're probably not reading this. If you do, you're aware of the super good times weather outside. Let me relate to you a short tale of discovery and excitement.

The 2001 Jetta that we drive comes with ASR, or Acceleration Slip Regulation. It's the German way of saying Traction Control. How this is supposed to work is that when one or more of the wheels start to lose grip with the road, the car's T-1000 like brain does a bunch of math in shit, all in the span of a couple of miliseconds. If one of the tires loses grip even a little bit, it will decide to do one or all of the following:

• Retard or suppress the spark to one or more cylinders
• Reduce fuel supply to one or more cylinders
• Brake one or more wheels
• Close the throttle, if the vehicle is fitted with drive by wire throttle.
• In turbo-charged vehicles, the boost control solenoid can be actuated to reduce boost and therefore engine power.

That's all well and good, but let me tell you what actually happens: there's this little light on my speedometer. And when I go around a slight turn in shitty weather at about 20mph, the car's Speek-n-Spell like brain goes "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit", and that light flashes on and off fast enough to give me a seizure. Then the car goes sideways as the brain figures it should do something with brakes or something, and I turn the wheel to compensate. Then me and the brain go sideways down the on-ramp at 15mph, both of us going "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit".
So yeah, I didn't go to work today. I drove to the next exit and turned right the fuck around, the little "ohshitohshit" light flashing on and off, more or less the whole fucking way.

And that's how I started my day!

Been sitting on this for awhile...

I've been a big MST3K fan since about '94 or so, and as a result I'm a sucker for shitty movies, but they have to be above and beyond sort of shitty, not 'Pearl Harbor' or 'End of Days' shitty. You know what I'm talking about here. Think 'Killdozer' or 'Freejack' and you're sort of heading in the right direction.
NOTE: I know that 'Freejack' should get a pass due to the involvement of Mick Jagger. No dice. That movie really eats it, hard.
So yeah, I love shitty movies, but only if they're trying really hard. Combine that with the inability to stop reading a book, regardless of how bad it is, and you have a person that tends to consume a lot of bad media. Oops.
But this is a good thing- for you...maybe. See, I've got a couple of candidates for a what I'd like to call a "Good Review for Shitty Media". Movies, games, TV, radio, music, books, and magazines. I'll leaf through them half-assedly, most of the reading will be done on the toilet, and when I'm done I'll tell you why it's shit, but why it's so goddamn hilarious at the same time. Like the sodomy scene in "Roadhouse"(also a shoe-in).

Right now, I've got two really obvious candidates: 'Brotherhood of Death'; Black people that are obviously too old join the Army and go to 'Nam(which looks suspiciously not like 'Nam), then come back to their old stomping grounds in the south and fight the Klan. And this shit magazine/book 'Jetstream'; Quebec and Europe invade the U.S. And the National Guard fights back. That's actually complicating the book a lot.

Any suggestions are welcome. I promise I'll definately give it a look. And as per usual, there's no real schedule for this. Usually whenever I get really high and have a lot of time on my hands that isn't occupied by my penis.

le sigh #1

I still wish that things had "MADE IN TAIWAN" on the bottom of them.

le sigh

Things I am currently sick of

- The Bush Presidency: cos, c'mon, it's the most easy one I've got going here.
- The constant strip mining of our childhood in the sake of nostalgia: cos that's what nostalgia means, it means you're paying for shitty things in your childhood. You remember them at such a high point that you fail to realize you were six when you originally thought such things were so kick ass.
- Paris Hilton: I wouldn't do her, neither would you. Unless, of course, you were so desperate you'd fuck a hole in the ground. A hole in the ground lubed up and wrapped with barbwire.
- The PS3 "potential": when I was younger, 90% of time I had "not living up to potential" checkmarked somewhere in my report card. I never quite understood that. How was some kindergarten teacher able to predict my future performance?? With that said, please explain to me why I should pay $399(minimum) for a system that won't reach its' potential for another year or so? The 360 is about half way now, and I still wouldn't pay that much for it. I got it as a gift.
- The console war as a whole: competition is good, you fuckholes. Why would you want less systems in the market. That's what Sony wants. And judging from their past performance, they don't know what the fuck is going on, they just get lucky. See: Walkman, Discman, CD format.
- Moonbases: where the fuck are they??? I mean, what the fuck, guys?!? We went there in 19-goddamn-69. I'm no math major, but that was about 38 years ago. Now we have cell phones so small we can lose them in the change pocket of our jeans, but we don't have inflatable moon bases? Something is very, very, very wrong here.
- Drug laws: Stop kidding yourself. Just cos you are a United States Senator doesn't mean you can go to six different doctors for a Vicodin scrip. C'mon now. Rich doesn't mean above. And yeah, Vike's aren't grown by a bunch of hippies, but I guess if weed gave you a mil plus, you'd be a little more sympathetic.
- Blog posts that are fueled liquor/marijuana: You'd think I'd be over this by now. I mean, for fuck's sake, I'm 28 years old. This is junior high shit.

Snickety SNACKT!

I'm pretty sure that I must possess some form of a healing factor. The reasoning behind this is: earlier today I started feeling shitty. Chills, muscle aches, a fever that spiked at about 104.3 or so, and just general malaise.
Now- I feel pretty good. The fever was 100-something last check, I can sit up without wanting to die, and I don't feel like I'm going to die of hypothermia without socks on. I tell yeah, they should just slap an adamantium skeleton in me, give me some claws, and then mentally fuck with me over the course of years, so as to turn me into a hyper-efficient death machine.
Yeah...

Whuckah-chuckah!

Several things....

1. I have quit smoking. Yes. I have quit one of the few things that makes me feel calm, satisfied, and cool. I had to do it, though. I smoke about a pack a day, give or take, and the cash that was being spent on that shit is just better spent elsewhere. Primarily on weed. Or gas. Cos you know, those dune coons aren't making this shit any cheaper, despite their sitting on what analysts refer to as "a fucking shitload, man". But yeah, money is getting lean, so I'm trimming some fat.
And I figure if I'm making one step, I might as well make another. I'm going to call it "Josh's 10 Year Plan to Healthy Living". This is step one, the no smoking thing. Step two is going to be the elimination of caffeine, which is going to suck hard. Step three is cutting out un-needed sugars. And then I guess in between some of those steps, I'm going to introduce a gym to the whole aspect.

2. The actual typed out first draft for the much bandied about TV pilot is about half done. I know it shouldn't take that long to get it out, but I discovered in the process of writing it that I have a shitload of control freak issues I need to work out. There's tons of direction that I need to put in there, in terms of how lines need to be said, what people are doing, the mood of a scene I'm attempting for, etc., etc. There's more to it than just slapping lines down on paper and hoping that whomever you've got acting it out can interpret the meaning behind the scene. I decided to err on the side of caution and S-P-E-L-L it out.

3. This is the big one: my lovely wife, Banana Pants, and I are heavy with seed. Well, rather, she's heavy with seed. I just run to the store for one gallon(3.78 L) jars of pickles, ice cream, popcorn, and various other needs. More or less whatever she asks for at the time. And hey, the way I look at it...going to the store to pick this shit up is the easy part. It's not like I have to store some fetus inside me like a vending machine for nine mos.
All joking aside here, but it's usually easier for me to put this shit into, I guess "reality", by typing rather than saying. Despite my outgoing/extrovert/dickhead exterior, I'm not really comfortable talking about a lot of personal shit(provided it isn't my bowel or masturbatory habits), so it's hard for me. But this whole "being a dad" thing has me outright terrified. We could start with the whole initial year thing, or the toddler phase, or Jesus, the teenage phase. We could pick a starting point and go from any one of them. But shit, man, it's fucking scary, you know? It's one thing running my own life into the ground, cos at the end of the day I'm the only one that has to fall asleep with me. I'm the only one that has to live, long term, with my decisions.
Kids change all that shit. Something fierce.
For example: I joke a lot about not doing shit for the environment, cos I'm just going to fuck up this planet like my parents did for me. "Let them figure it out," I say to people that stare at me slack-jawed as I throw my waste oil down the storm drain. It's different when you have actual progeny following you into the world as opposed to the hypothetical variety. But it's not so much littering that has me worried, cos let's face it: how badly can you really fuck up 20 miles of blacktop with a piece of paper??
Honestly, I'm just worried that I'm going to end up like my father, and that I'm going to set into motion some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy(NOW STARRING CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!!!) where I try not to be my dad, and I end up being everything that he was. And then when my kid has a kid, they try to do the same thing(supposing that they're a male themselves), and they do what I did. Yeah, good times. It'll be just like reliving 1996 when my dad and I were about a 1/4 inch of drywall away from setting each other on fire. With our minds.
Like I said: good times.
But hey, I was (sort of)a psychology major in college. I know(sort of) about the mind and shit, how the brain works, and how that most men are destined to become their fathers. So I'm aware that I've got the deck stacked against me. And that's what freaks me out. Not that I'm not looking forward to beating the hell out of my child when I catch (hypothetically)him huffing spray paint in the garage, but I don't want to be that balding dude standing in his(again, hypothetically; please don't make me keep doing this) bedroom screaming at him about a C+ in some U.S. History class. I mean c'mon...everyone knows that U.S. History doesn't matter. We have cable television now, we don't need to know this shit anymore.

But I digress.....
To be honest, I'm going to spill something for you all here: I don't believe that one person can make a difference. I don't believe that one person is going to be standing on a street corner with a sign, and GW is going to think to himself, Shit...this war is fucked. I should stop this.
Not going to happen. At all. People don't change shit. Except!!!! Except other people. And as cynical and jaded as I am, I'm really an optimist and a romantic at heart. I want to believe the best in people. I want to believe that we can make a difference.
And I am going to make a difference. I'm going to have help, but I'm going to make a difference. And I'm going to do it through my kid.
If you ask me, that's far more impressive than swaying a presidential election or running a tax reform through Congress or whatever. But then again, maybe I'm biased.

P.S.- If this child is a girl, I will be going to jail in about 15 or 16 years. You can bet on it.

Yeah, baby!!!

It started so innocently...

So I was just looking for those resin figurines of anime figures taking a dump. They're hilarious, and yet fucking disgusting at the same time. I don't know why I was looking for them, it just popped into my head for some reason. I got home, drank a pot of coffee, and decided that I needed to look up pictures of figurines shitting into their hands and what not.
I couldn't find any. But I found something much, much better.

!!!!BE WARNED!!!!
There is a link I'm going to post, and there are some of you that might find it pretty fucked up. However, if you have suffered one too many head injuries, and/or weren't hugged enough as a child, you will probably find them hilarious. Basically, there's some future sex offender out there with too much time, fake blood, and toys on his hands, and he took it upon himself to stage horrific sexual scenes with these dolls. I never really wanted to see Barbie get fucked to death by a horse, but hey, I couldn't not look. And plus, there's just one image that cracks me up.




Yeah, he's choking her. It's fucking great, isn't it? Since this isn't really a porno blog, I put horrible black bars on the so-called "naughty bits". But yeah, the dude doll does have a penis. And yeah, at one point you see it flaccid. It's so great.

Go here and see for yourselves. But I warn you: It is graphic. And it is awful. But goddammah, is it hilarious sometimes.

P.S.- If you know where to find the poop dolls, let me know. I fucking want one.

I have never been a funny man

I've actually been spending the better part of the afternoon writing, longhand no less, and it feels good. Well, due to the way I hold my writing implement(I taught myself how to write, so I hold a pen/pencil all fucked up), my hand tends to cramp up real fast, but I keep going. So the point is it doesn't feel good, not physically, but in a mental sort of way..that whole sense of "I'm accomplishing shit, and mayhaps I'll eventually have something to show for it". That's pretty rad.
Oh yeah, so I've been writing today, and although I really like a computer for just about everything else, when I pound out first drafts, I really like to do it longhand, as it makes editing waaaaay easier for me. I can just cross something out, or I can write a little something underneath a paragraph or whatever, and it doesn't fuck up the formatting too much. I know, I know, with a word processor, you could just put that shit into where ever you wanted it to go. It's one of my little weird quirks, of which there are many, but I write the best that way(I think), and again, it's just easier for me.
So where was I going with this....oh yeah.
Stephen King said(actually, he wrote it, but whatever) that if you want to be a writer, you have to be a reader as well. I imagine the same is true for those that want to make a television show, or a movie, or whatever. So I indulge that shit, yo. It can be said that I love, I mean I truely love, very few things on this earth. Unlike TV on the Radio, I was never a lover before this war. But, I do love moving pictures. I'm just very specific about what I do love. And when I love it, I'll run it into the fucking ground, and then dig it back up again just to love it so more.
So I've been watching some TV shows, a few comedies, and I've been reading...just to polish the ol' skill set. I feel rusty on certain things, cos I haven't really written written in a long time. At least, I haven't sat down to write just for the sake of enjoyment, in a long time. And when I started writing this pilot, it wasn't something I did cos I liked it, it was something I did to attain a certain result; mainly: I want to be on television, and I want to be asked for my opinion on shit that does not matter, and I want to offend as many people as possible with something that is absolutely retarded. There's a certain power in offending people, or pissing them off, and I for one, enjoy it...as sick as that may sound. I've always been known for saying shit for shock value(to a point), and since I was never really a big motherfucker, I used the two biggest muscles I was given to maximum effect: my brain and my mouth.
Off topic again, sorry.
Anyway, during writing today, I have to say that I fell back in love with it. Yeah, gay, I know. But there's just something about the smell of the ink, the feel of paper underneath your hand, and the concept that you're actually giving life to these dumbass characters. It feels...I don't know, man. It feels good. I would say it feels godlike, but I don't want to be sued by KMFDM, and plus I don't believe in god. So take that for what it's worth. But goddammit, or goddammah if you see fit, I think I've caught the bug again. As soon as my hand starts to un-cramp, I'm going right back to the grind. And when this shit is finished and gone over with my writing partner, I'll throw a couple of snippets up here so you guys can take a peek. I don't know whether to go with a scene or two, or just actual snippets. We'll see when it's done.
And I have reversed a decision....somewhat. It was suggested that when the pilot is done, we throw it up on YouTube and let you guys take a peek at it, and then tell us how much it sucks. Initially, I was very not for that. I have reversed my decision, again, somewhat. My plan all along for this was to write a draft, film that and watch(to see what works, what doesn't, what needs to be tightened, etc.), and then revised the next draft based upon that. Well, here's the poop: the first draft filming is going online. It's not going to be the finished product, but it'll give you an idea of where we're going, I hope. If this is done well, I have a feeling that this show of ours has a real good chance of ending up on basic cable. I hope. I fucking hope, I fucking hope.
But hey, who knows? If it doesn't, well, then at least I know that I'm just going to have to try harder. Not that I'm not trying real hard right now, but if this doesn't work, then I know I have to punch it up to the next level. I'll keep you all posted.

Last thing. Sorry for the length, I'll try harder to entertain you guys next time.
Anyway, I got the download for Warm & Scratchy, which was more or less the rock response to DANGERDOOM from adult|swim. Aside from the new TV on the Radio track(interesting...), there were two tracks on there that were enough to make me track down the musicians(online), and then download(illegally) the shit out of them: Jesu and Amusement Parks on Fire.
Jesu is basically the new project from the dude that was behind Godflesh. That was the band that more or less made me think, "Hey, suicide isn't such a bad idea afterall". It's pretty much the heaviest depressing band I've ever listened to. I'm serious. I found a copy of their album 'Pure' in the radio station I worked at in college, listened to it, and was seriously depressed for weeks afterwards. It might have been the excessive alcohol/drug consumption at the time, but goddammah, did it have an impact. Which was the point, I guess.
But Jesu ain't like that, nosir. This shit is sonically dense and morose, but there's this weird light of hope in it. It's weird. The music is just so goddamned beautiful(to me). And it sort of reminds me of My Bloody Valentine, only you can sort of hear the lyrics more and if Kevin Sheilds was more into metal.
Arcade Parks on Fire is pretty much what My Bloody Valentine would have been if they had cut down the effects processing by about a 1/3, and actually followed up Loveless with something worthwhile. I've been digging on the "shoegazing"(god....genre-fication is just so goddamned stupid these days; what the fuck is progressive mathcore????) tunage for awhile, and these guys are just nailing it. You should check these guys out. And download Loveless, too. It's really, really, really brilliant. Probably one of the best albums of the 90's, right up there with anything Nirvana or nine inch nails put out. Yeah.

Awright, that's enough of this shit. I promise next time I'll try to talk about how much Mexicans smell, and how dumb black people are. Or maybe I'll just go on and on and on about how much white people love to oppress the very people they're afraid of.
Or I could just talk about my pooping habits. You never, never know.

Quick and to the point(less)

Oh, you goddamned aliens...

Um, right

I still use Myspace, mostly for keeping up with friends that are outside of a phone call or a walk to their house to ask for sugar. And occasionally, it is good for a laugh. For some reason, all of the ad links, I guess you could call them, seem to point me towards Ted Nugent ring tones, asking if I think I'm Ted Nugent(the answer is overwhelmingly "no", although I do wish....), and something to do with 'Smokey and the Bandit'. Huh.
Also, there's the brassy "I'm on tha intarweb and can say bad shit about u and u can do nothing" mentality. Someone left a lovely comment about me being a faggot or something, and then they called me an asshole. I'm pretty sure I make a big mention of me being such on the front of my Myspace, so whatever. But to go out there and say such things, and then make it impossible to contact you back to ask a very simple, "WTF???", well hell, that just reeks of grown-up-ness.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that when confronted with an ad about having Avril Lavigne on my cell phone, I decided that I would rather have the crushing one-two combo of AIDS and herpes on my cell phone than have her on there. Shit, I'd rather have Britney on my cell phone than Avril. Sure, they're both dumb whores, but at least when Britney drinks too much, passes out, then pisses/shits herself, there's going to be more amusement. At least for a couple more hours.

Here I sit....

Well, the television show train chugs along, I'm just taking a break from the writing(to do more writing....what?) to tell you all what you should be doing, listening to, watching, etc., etc....mostly, cos I'm just so much smarter than you all.
Ha. If only. Anyway, here we go....

I've been a fan of Alec Empire and his various releases(Mille Plateaux, Jaguar, Generation Star Wars, ATR, etc.) since I was about 18 and discovered that Atari Teenage Riot was just about the angriest, most pissed off music I'd ever heard. I wasn't aware that it was possible to condense all this rage and anger into a sonic format. Apparently it is. And just like when I listen to hip hop or gangsta rap, or whatever, I start to get all angry. I don't know if it's the sonic noise assault, or just the fact that if someone else is this pissed off about something, I must be as well, simply by listening to the shit that's coming out of my speakers.
Anyway, Alec has moved on from Digital Hardcore, the style and label he helped create, and is going back to electronic roots(last two albums were more or less punk rock with electronic processing), and started a new record label, Eat Your Heart Out. And the music off it, well good goddamn, it's great. I would suggest that a majority of you(read: four) go check it out, but be warned: it's noise, for the most part. Noise with beats. It pisses people off. I went to an ATR show in college, and I ended up leaving with three cracked ribs and a black eye. It was probably the greatest show I ever went to.

Umm...what else, what else....

So Ryan and I hammered out the first episode of the show the other day, which has always been somewhat of a problem for me in writing. Dialog, I can do. Dialog and certain scenarios, or scenes, if you wanna be a dick about it. Plot, I have a problem with. I can get so far, and then I just find myself sitting there going, "Okay, now what??". But Ryan came up with the idea that we should just set up a shell for what we want the episode to be and go from there, whereas I was just writing, and I figured that the ep. would be over when it was over.
The new way of doing things...well, let's say it's way easier. I can more or less hammer out the whole ep. and then we can sit around refining it like it's fucking oil out tha' ground. Yessah. After the writing process, we're going to be looking at "taking some classes" at the local public access channel. I really need to learn non-linear editing, since most of my experience is with linear decks, and those aren't really relevant with digital filming. Also, it's good to just get a little more hands on experience with digital cameras, since I've never really used one before, and we need some experience with boom mic operation and the like. So yeah, $50 for three hours of time, and we'll be all the better for it. Hopefully. It could turn out that we just suck incredibly, which will drive the cost of this pilot up, seeing as how we'll have to hire people to do the shit that we want to do. We're more or less hoping that we can shoot this for the cost of digital tapes, renting a camera and other equipment. Then again, shit in one hand, hope in the other.....

I gotta get back to work. Big announcement coming up, certainly. May be about the show, may not be. But the two of you out there...make sure you check it out.

Oh mc chris...

I'm not really going to talk about mc chris all that much in this post. If you know who he is, super great. If not, well, he was the voice of a character on Sealab 2021 that I named my dog after. Yep, super nerd here.
Anyway, the point is that he's got this song, 'White Kids Love Hip-Hop', see. And one of the verses is:
We drink box wine/And we listen to Weezer
I don't really listen to Weezer all that much. I mean, 'My Name Is Jonas' is pretty rad. And I really like most of 'Pinkerton', but other than that, not really digging on them. But I am digging on the box wine. I mean, c'mon. You're basically stealing this wine. Sure, you pay for it, but goddammit, it's a steal.
For example: cos I am classy, I drink it out of pint glasses. I had five pints of wine last night...or six, I don't know. Either way, enough wine. The best part??? There's still more. A lot more. And I really dig on the wine drunk. I think I'm going to be drinking box wine for awhile now.

And since I'm drunk, here's something that is not going to be funny to about 99.999999999% of the three of you that read this. My boy Collins hooked me up with this DVD, 'Forever Hardcore', which is basically a love song to ECW, the wrestling federation. For a wrestling fan, even a relapsed fan such as myself, it's really interesting. But there's a part in it that reduces me to a fit of laughter everytime.
BACKSTORY
There's this wrestler, New Jack, who did a bunch of dumb shit back in the day. Seriously. Dude would fucking go after people with cheese graters, for fucks' sake. Anyway, he was "fighting" this other dude, Vic Grimes, in a scaffold match, which more or less is the dumbest shit ever. If the tights weren't dumb enough, these two decided that the only way to go higher was to go way up in the air, and then eventually throw a motherfucker off. You can read all about it here.
So New Jack gets legitimately fucked up from this. Brain damage, blah blah blah. What does he do??? Sets up another scaffold match, but this time, even higher. And what's so funny about this is New Jack's recollection of the even. I will attempt to transcribe it as best I can.

New Jack: So we're forty feet up in the air, and I have this 350 volt taser. And I hit the motherfucker four, five times, eight in the neck. And he's all, "Jack, Jack, I can't feel my legs." And I said, "Don't worry Vic. I got you." And then I threw him off the scaffold.

What the fuck??? This cracks me up twofold: 1) He goes from four, to five, and then jumps to eight. That's a lot to take a taser to the neck. 2) Vic Grimes mentions that he cannot feel his legs. New Jack's response?? Do not worry, I have got you. And I am going to toss your ass 40 feet through the air. And then about two minutes later, New Jack basically says that he threw Vic Grimes harder than he should, with the explicit intent to kill him. Yeah. New Jack is hardcore. I'm willing to bet that if you had a gun and shot at him, the bullet would stop a foot away from him and say, "Uh uh, nigga. I ain't fuckin' wit' dat dawg right there. You on yo' own.".

Wrestling is so goddamn awesome. Or rather, it used to be....

Chilling.

I don't know how to make the image any bigger, but basically what you're looking at is Mickey Mouse planning to blow his goddamn head off. Click on the image for a bigger shot of it. The last panel is just fucking brilliant.
Am I wrong?

I also have an image of the contraption he sets up to off himself, plus him jumping off a bridge, and then him trying to use gas to put himself out of his misery. If you wanna see that, let me know and I'll throw it up here.

Nerd alert!

Yeah, I am a giant nerd. Whatev. I spent most of last night drinking and reading Ultimate X-Men, cos a) I really fucking like the Ultimate Marvel line. It's all the kick-assery of comics without 40 years of continuity("Umm...but wasn't Wolverine in Weapon X in the 70's?? Or was it right after WWII??? I'm confused....and why is Spider-Man so weepy about fucking Uncle Ben?!? He can go to the store and get some goddamned more!!"), and they've gone ahead and gotten ride of some of the more retarded aspects of comics. Don't get me wrong, I like a good space opera as much as the next guy, but seriously Chris Claremont, I think you've fucking lost it, bro. This ain't the 80's anymore, and the kids are a little more hep to gayness. Oh yeah, b) I really like X-Men. I'm sorry. They were the first comic that I ever ended up buying, and it was primarily cos this chick I met when I moved to Augsburg, her family had a fucking stack of X-Men comics in the bathroom. I used to pretend to have to take a dump so I could go in there and read comics.
And cut me some slack, I was like, 11. Hormones had yet to take over my brain, so comics were way more important than girls at that point. But I do remember going over there one time to take her her homework(as she was sick), and she did have a t-shirt on with no bra. Ahhh, the first time you ever see pokies....

I'm sure that Anna is all pleased about that, so I'm just going to continue on about what a huge dork I am, reading comics on my computer and drinking 40's. Yeah, who's the man? Obviously not me.

Mark it here, so I can't back down: within three mos. I am going to begin filming, that means actually holding a camera and pretending in front of it, a television pilot that I hope I can get some stupid television exec to give me money to make more of. I'm hoping that it's going to be funny, but then again my sense of humor is skewed and warped. Big time. Someone mentioned putting it on YouTube when it's finished(or is it Youtube??? I don't know, I'm not very hip these days...), but I want to make cash with this. I'm thinking maybe some clips, but not the whole shebang. You want that shit, you're going to have to get cable, cos that's where I want to end up. Cable is like the ghetto of the television system. Seriously. It's where the stuff that's either not good enough or just way too goddamn edgy for broadcast networks goes. The reason I'm shooting for cable is twofold: 1. They're way more lax about what goes on, cos they're basically just looking for programming so they don't have to air 'Seinfeld' or 'Friends' for six hours every day. 2. I really want to say things like "shit", "dickhead", and "asshole" on my television show. I have a dirty filthy mouth and I want all of America to know it. My mother is going to be so proud.
"My son has a television show on some backwater cable channel. It's great."
"What channel?"
"Umm....."
I can picture that conversation now. Her going to the church that she goes to, telling everyone that her son is now a somewhat big deal(a medium deal?? an average deal?????) with his silly little television show, and then refusing to tell people what channel it's on, all because I called Ryan an asshole or a dickfore. My mom is great like that.

But yeah, the show is being written now, and when the current draft is done, we're going to act the whole thing out, see how it rolls. Then we re-write the draft, act that out, and then maybe go for a third one. I don't know, I've never really done anything like this before, and I don't have any training on how to do it, either. I'm just writing what I think is funny and going from there. So hell, maybe if this works out I'm going to be on Jimmy Kimmel or some shit explaining why I think pooping in the trunk of a car is hilarious.

Fucking wow.

Anne Coultier, everyone's favorite dog-faced conservative blowhole has said something totally awesome again.
Basically, she has said that Jews are "imperfect Christians".
Seriously. You can read the whole conversation that she had on some show on Fox News here. And you should go check it out. While you do that, I'm going to go look for pictures of drunk chicks.

Done? You pissed? Good, you should be. Cos the shit that comes out of this woman's mouth every time she opens it is simply mind-blowing. I mean it. She's like the verbal equivalent of a .45 slug to the dome. I'm surprised that there is brain matter and skull chunks all over the back of my wall after reading that. What kills me is that she doesn't see it as anti-semitic. I guess if the Bible said that all black people liked fried chicken, grape soda, and dancing, that wouldn't be racist. Or if the Bible says that all gay men are effeminate fabulous fuck machines, it wouldn't be bigoted. Whatever the Bible says cannot be seen in any hateful light, cos the Bible is all about love.
Except for the parts when god is telling people to kill their first borne son, just to see if he really believes. Personally, I think that's a little fucked up, but that's not what we're here to rap about.
I really think it's great that all these Conservatives rail against how racist and evil the Liberals are, and then they say shit like this. At some point, I am just going to move to another country, like Germany, where they don't pretend that they aren't racist. They let you know outright, "Yeah, we fucking hate the Turks. They're filthy and they're taking all our shit jobs." I think that if you hate someone cos of the imaginary friend they swear allegiance to, or the color of their skin, then you should at least be man enough(that goes for you too, Anne, you dog-faced bitch) to back it up. Don't hide behind a book that was written 2,000 years ago by a bunch of semi-literate cave dwellers.

Jesus Christ, I fucking swear that one I'm old enough, I'm going to run for President and then I'm going to win. And I'm going to detonate every nuke on this goddamn planet to end this once and for all. People say that, "...we can change, we can make things different. All we have to do is stand up and blah blah blah blah". Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit. We're all a bunch of pricks, and there's probably five good people in this whole bastard planet, and I'm willing to bet that three of them are cartoon characters and the other two are retarded. That Corky guy, I'm willing to be that he's awright. But I'm probably wrong about that. He's probably got a taste for hookers and degrading sex. And I bet he does enough cocaine to put down a goddamn whale. But that's just me, and I'm probably wrong.

Never listen to the Blacklight Cobra

I'm going through some sort of withdrawal to console gaming, as I purchased a Gamecube today, a refurbished model that only set me back about $40. I've always had a little soft spot in my heart for the 'Cube, mostly cos of Viewtiful Joe, Resident Evil 4, Ikaruga, and a few other little weird quirky titles that didn't really show up anywhere else. I was sort of looking for a GBA, but those fuckers run $59.99 used. Fuck that. I saw that 'Cube at the magic price point, and viola, the decision was made.
With it came Paper Mario, as fun an RPG there ever was made. I mean, dude, you get to smash Koopa Koops in the fucking balls with a hammer. How awesome is that?
I wanted to get Ikaruga, but they wanted $40 for it. Fuck that, bro. That shit is coming out on XBLA in like, a month or so. I'll grab it for less cash and with better graphics to boot. I wonder, though, will it still support putting your TV on end in order to make the playing field longer????

I know I said I'd blog more than I did at the other blog, and I want to, it's just that there's a lot of shit that's going on that's keeping me away from the computer these days. Why I'm sitting here at this ungodly hour writing this is beyond me.
Oh yeah, waiting for the Tylenol PM to kick in, and covering it with beer. That's it...

More sharing

These are mannequins. And they are fucked up. It's like someone gave a chick fake tits, and then thought it would be a good idea to use massive gumdrops for nipples. Freaky.

And if you beat off to this sort of shit, shame on you.

I'm a good person.

I found something for you guys, and I found it cos I'm a giver.

Check it out.

There's just something about a midget poured into latex.

Who are you?

I used to rip on people that liked CSI, mostly cos I thought it was an empty stupid show with no redeeming qualities. It appears that I will have to rip on myself now. For more than my tiny peepee.

I like the show cos every single episode follows the exact same fucking format. They find a body, Grissom and his ass partners show up, Grissom makes some stupid joke, they do CSI shit to solve the case, they yell at the hipster CSI, they solve the case, and then Grissom takes everyone home and bakes them cookies.
Actually, that last part isn't in there, but can't you imagine how great it would be??

"Careful kids, I just took them out of the oven and their still a little hot...hey Black Guy CSI, isn't that your pager going off? Yeah, I guess you don't get any this time..."

Bastards! Collect them all!

So I'm fucking working all over-nights at work next week, and ordinarily that wouldn't piss me off. Well, working period pisses me off, but this wouldn't like, push me over the edge or anything. What irritates me is that I'm not going to have a single weekend off, which totally fucks my ability to do shit.
Going anywhere for a day? Nope, not happening.
Doing laundry? Can't, I go to the 'rents for that shit, and if I'm working an overnight, I'm not getting up until 1 or 2 or some shit, and then driving the 40mins to Bath...to do laundry all day? No, fuck that.

So basically I got fucked hard by agreeing to do overnights for these people. I'm assuming that they were able to find someone to do overnights for the two days I have off, and then they just saddled me with the rest of it. Whatever. Sooner or later, this blog shit is going to make me famous, and then I'll never have to get dressed. I'll just wake up, and blast some funny shit out of my ass for you guys. But not like poop, I mean words and shit.
Oh, to dream...

Wrapping it up, I got a couple old posts from Myspace that I'll clean up and move over here, just cos I thought they were really funny, and I think that all the people who read them the first time might as well read them again here. Cos I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have any new readers. At least not until the billboards go up...

Yesterday was Christmas for terrorists.

So yesterday was the 6 year anniversary of 9/11 and all the talk radio hosts made a big hullabaloo about it. Which was to be expected, after all. The most important things in this country right now are, in this order: illegal immigration, a bunch of other shit, and the War on Terror. It's pretty sad that they all realize how well the War on Terror is going(Skeletor is still running amok, Megatron has just struck Austin, and Doctors Doom, Octapus, and Death are feared to be planning another terror attack on little Timmy Johnson, age 5), so now we have to suddenly switch gears and decide that a bunch of Mexicans picking lettuce is the most important thing in this country right now.
Mike Gallagher, or however you spell his name, was talking about how Rudy Gulliani, or however you spell his name, didn't think that illegal immigration was a crime. He then went on to mock ol' Rudy, and asked him if he didn't think that getting rid of rapists, and drunk drivers was that big of an issue. Like we get rid of them and then all of the sudden, the streets will be safe for idiot drivers and loose women to just frolic around. Hah. Americans love three things: cars, beer, and rape. Seriously. If we could somehow find a way to drive a car drunk and simultaneously rape someone, we'd be all over it. Seriously though, America does love cars and beer, and often at the same time; why do you think there is such a drunk driving problem in this country?? Hell, I'm pretty sure that George Washington wrote the Constitution drunk, after taking a wagon home from "Ye Olde Waterin' Hole".
So we get rid of all these illegals, who are coming over here people, they are coming over here and stealing our jobs. I remember how when I was a young boy, I wanted nothing more than to pick lettuce or garbage on the highways. Imagine my horror and outrage when I found out that Juan was already doing it, and the son of a bitch was doing it for way cheaper than I ever would have. Son of a bitch!

They make it sound like some poor fucker goes to med school for years and years, only to get out and find that his dreams of Lexus' and golf afternoons have been rendered null and void by Dr. Sanchez from Mexico City, who is currently working for $17,000 a year. Imagine his pain.

So yeah, yesterday was the six year anniversary of 9/11and everyone was going on and on about Iraq, and bin Laden, and blah blah blah. I spent it much like I spent the first 9/11, which was asleep for a better part of the day. The talk radio hosts were asking callers, themselves, and I imagine metaphorically their listeners' whether we, as Americans, have learned anything from 9/11. A lot of them were talking shit about how they learned to love this country, and how they learned that we are not safe, and that they learned Paris Hilton is a ginormous whore. You know what I learned? Planes blow up really good. Buildings, not so much.
Also, I learned that terrorists are bad. I didn't know that before. I thought that terrorists were just these goofy guys that hung out in the Middle East and talked shit about the West in between games of Uno. They might have even had some touch football games going, who knows? Now I know that they fucking hate the shit out of me and everything I stand for, which honestly...isn't much. I mean, if they want to waste their time on a dude that thinks DC comics are pretty much shit, that's their business, and their time. I'm not over here in America saying, "Those terrorists would be okay if only they would stop kidnapping civilian contractors and decapitating them on the web. Other than that, I got no beef with them.". I'm also not critiquing their choice of gods, either. That's they business.

Okay, so first one down. Maybe the others will be funny. No promises, though.