3.31.2008

Goddamn you PETA.

This is fucking horrifying.

And that's all I can really say about it. Fucking PETA seriously has issues.

3.28.2008

File under: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Hey there gang. Anyone see 'John Rambo', AKA 'Rambo IV', AKA 'Rambo 4', AKA 'Whoa!'?? Yeah, I know, it came out in January, but I have this problem where I don't have all that much money, and Banana wouldn't go see that shit with me anyway.
Well I downloaded the motherfucker, and sweet Jesus on the fucking mountain top of blood and guts, this movie is sweet. Sure, it's not going to win any awards, unless they start giving them out for "Best Use of a Mounted .50 Machine Gun Blowing Burmese Military In Fucking Half"...but that's not the point. Rambo movies have always been about kicking ass and taking names, and this one does that in spades. I mean, I don't even know how this movie got an R rating. There's guts and innards and a dude blowing peoples heads off with a fucking .50 sniper rifle.
Which is great, cos right after the top half of his head is blown off, he goes flying back about 20 feet. No shit.

I guess I could justify these Rambo movies being all badass by saying that they're some sort of social critique of the times, i.e. 'First Blood' is what happens when you fuck with the vets when they come back from 'Nam, and it sort of addressed that hatred, blah blah blah. I'm not going to do that, cos I never really looked at them as that. I always saw them as an excuse to have one man beat the hell out of a whole bunch with arrows that exploded. And it was sort of giving the middle finger to Vietnam, you know, cos we lost that one at home. It was sort of a way for John Q. Public to feel all good about it. "Yeah, we fucking lost, but we won this time!!"
Whatever man, it's a movie. It's a movie where people get fucked up, blown all to shit, and I really like that. If you see any movie this year where a man gets his goddamn throat torn out, you owe to yourself to see 'John Rambo'.

Now I have to go. 'Assassins Creed' is here, and I needs to do some assassinating.

3.13.2008

Elliot...Elliot...ELL-E-OTT!!

The last part of that title was me doing E.T. Just in case you didn't know.

Also, in case you couldn't figure it out from the title, this entry is going to be about ou
r boy, Elliott Spitzer. He's a hard drivin' son of a bitch, dedicated to cleaning up corporate malfeasance and making it so your average joe can't go out and pay some random woman $20 for a blow job in the front seat of his Buick Century. This is the same guy that railed against GTA(Grand Theft Auto for those not in the know) for allowing "children to pick up prostitutes, pay them for sex, and then kill them to get their cash back". This is the same guy that said he knows all about wiretaps, but then gets caught by one. The very same motherfucker that admits he knows that banks have to report to the federal government large transactions, especially if they are asked to be broken up into smaller chunks. Oh yeah, he did that one, too.




Check out how fucking Valium'd out his wife looks in that picture. Or maybe she's on the Xanax, I don't know. I find it hard to keep up with all the psychotropic drugs that housewives are dosing themselves with these days. But check her face out. I circled it and then put arrows pointing towards it, in red, so you couldn't miss it.
Doesn't she just look absolutely pickled to be there? I'm willing to bet that she'd rather be anywhere other than there; places such as Hitler's Bunker while the Red Army is advancing, the set of that 2 Girls 1 Cup video, Santa's Workshop during crunch time, and hell...even the fucking Vatican when they were trying to figure out how to explain the whole "Priest diddling kids" thing.
Actually, I bet that last one wasn't that bad. The Vatican has shitloads of cash. Shitloads.

Speaking of which, did you know that they came up with new mortal sins the other day??? The fuckin' Vatican came up with them! I thought only god could do that, but I guess all you need to be is some high ranking Vatican official and you get to decide that drug trafficking is bad.
But really though, do you think that's necessary? Like there's a bunch of drug traffickers that are all of the sudden going to be worried about condemning their souls to eternal torment all because the Vatican said it's bad??? These guys have spent most of the 80's chopping off breasts and hands with machetes without worrying about going to hell. I don't think they're going to start now.
Also: littering and not recycling- totally hell-worthy right now. I used to pride myself on littering. When I was done with something and driving, that shit would go straight out the fucking window, didn't matter what. Soda can, hamburger wrapper, plutonium, it all went out the window. If I wasn't hellbound before, I'm fucking front row center now for the concert to end all concerts.
I just don't see god giving a shit whether or not you decide to throw your gum wrapper on the ground or not as a reason for you to spend all of eternity being sodomized by demons. What if you find the cure for cancer....wait, that would be interfering with god's plan, so I guess that ones out. Hold on, lemme think of something that god doesn't have a problem with...okay. Got it.

So let's say you spend your whole life doing good shit that doesn't interfere with gods' fucked up logic. But let's say that at some point, you're out in nature, doing something and you forget about the ATM receipt that falls out of your pocket. That shit falls on the ground. And we all know that paper is about the third most destructive thing to the environment(first two are Paris Hilton and Uwe Bolls movies). Your ass is doomed to Hell forevers, bro. All cos you didn't hold the environment in the proper reverence that god intended for you to.
But here's the thing: Humanity is pretty much given carte fuckin' blanche to use the planet how they see fit in the Old Testament. I mean, god more or less says, "Yeah, you guys do whatever man. It's all yours." If you doubt me, look it up. I think he says something about all the plants, herbs, and animals as we see fit. If we see fit to use a bunch of plants by paving them the fuck over for a parking lot, isn't that our discretion? God didn't say, "You guys can use this shit, but just run it by me before you do so I can sign off on it."

I don't even know why I bother with all this malarky. I don't believe in god, but unfortunately I have to believe in the assholes that claim to represent his word. They're on fucking CNN for fuck's sake. And I can only deal with the Hilary/Obama cage match for so long. Speaking of Hilary, here's a picture to confuse your boners(those of you that are male):


I mean, how confusing is this?? Your penis is all, "Hey, it's Natalie Portman's nipples and OH MY FUCKING CHRIST IT'S ZOMBIE HILLARY!!! RUN, BITCH!!!". I know that when I'm looking at this, I don't know whether to beat off or weep uncontrollably.

3.07.2008

IFC is the shit


Check it out y'all, you can join up with some Christian dating site and date none other than fucking Powder himself!! How sick is that?! I thought he turned into lightening at the end of that move while Jeff Goldblum and Mary Steenburgen were running after him and shit. But, I guess that he came back from Metallica-Land to get him some prime Christian poon.
Can't say as I blame him. That chick looks like a freak. And plus, Powder probably shoots about 300 volts out of his "cattle prod" whenever he pops his cork, so she's gotta be into some freaky shit.

I've never watched the IFC channel in my life, cos I think of it in the same terms as I do other uppity bastards, and I don't really own a pipe or a smoking jacket. But after last night, that's changed, cos these sons of bitches don't edit their movies for shit. 'Boogie Nights' was on it all it's fake huge cock and tits glory. And it was sort of nice to see Heather Grahams rack again. And to watch her and Juliane Moore get all whacked on coke.
Speaking of Juliane Moore, did any of you ever see 'Alien Nation'? Don't the freckles on Juliane Moore's shoulders make her look like a Newcomer? I tried to find a picture for you guys that would adequately show it, but they were all gay press photos or scenes of "dramatic tension", and it doesn't work out that well. So you can go google "Alien Nation" and check it out for your damn selves. I don't have to do all the work around here.

Also: Patrick Swayze totally has pancreatic cancer, which if you don't know, is the same cancer that took the all-too-funny Bill Hicks way ahead of time. Apparently, pancreatic cancer is one of the ass kickers/name takers of cancer; something like 4% of those diagnosed with it live past five years. Ouch. And yes, I was joking when I was overjoyed about the whole diagnosis thing.
But I think there's something else we should talk about here. I think we should talk about when the fuck National Enquirer became a fucking credible news source. Last I knew, they were the guys that were talking about aliens meeting with Bill Clinton and discussing whether or not to enslave us and take all our water(guess the sci-fi reference!). Now they're making major scoops about starts that no one has cared about for four years or so.
Someone tell me: did I wake up in Bizarro world?

DON'T FUCK WITH SWORDS.

3.05.2008

Don't fucking touch swords

Hey, it could totally be true

So take this for what it's worth, but the National Enquirer is reporting that Patrick Swayze has some sort of haggard cancer and has about five weeks to live. Check it out. Of course, this is the National Enquirer we're talking about here, so who knows how valid this is. But a ton of other "reputable" news sources are running with this info. And by reputable, I mean Perez Hilton and Transworld News...whoever the fuck they are.

Seriously, if this is true....YES!!!! Take that, you son of a bitch!!! This is your punishment for fucking 'Ghost' and 'Dirty Dancing' and every other shitty movie you made. Hell, it might even be some round-about punishment for 'Point Break'. Don't get me wrong, I dig 'Red Dawn' and 'The Outsiders', but I swear to fucking Christ, 'Ghost' makes me want to blow my goddamn brains all over the wall. And if it wasn't for 'Dirty Dancing', we wouldn't have all those shitty cruise line commercials. You know, the ones where they're singing, "I haaaaaaaaaaaad....the time of my liiiiiiife!". We know you had the time of your life. You're on a goddamn cruise.
Jesus.

But here's something else that's fun. Can you imagine being on a plane with just four other people? I'd be throwing a Nerf football around or some shit. Or just changing my seat every couple of minutes. And fuck those stupid eco-nerds that are talking about shit like "carbon footprints" and "CO2 loads". What the fuck is that? Carbon footprint?? Are you serious??? You know that there are people just sitting around in a room somewhere, eating fucking tofu and humus and shit, thinking up new words to make us feel bad for driving. Or using a plastic bag. Or just...just doing whatever. If it was up to some of these dorks, we'd all be living in trees burning candles made of beeswax that was taken from abandoned hives so as not to disturb the bees.
It's called the foodchain, bitches. And we're at the top. I'm not advocating just being a total ass and dumping motor oil down the drain and shit like that, but do you think that wolves give a flying fuck about their environment? Do you really think that they're sitting there thinking, "Jesus, I hope we're not over-hunting this herd of deer. That would be a goddamn shame if we were." Of course they don't, because wolves don't pollute(apparently, they give a hoot), but you get what I'm saying. Being at the top means that you're more or less in a position to do whatever the hell you want. You earned it. You crawled your way up there and thumped your chest, then gave the finger to the animals below you.
However, and there is always a "however", we are in a unique position that other animals aren't in, due to our ability to reason, our self-awareness, blah blah blah. We realize that our actions do have an effect on the world around us, and that we have to be careful about how we do our thang. We can't just run willy-nilly over this world, not cos we'll wreck the planet(how incredibly arrogant of us to assume so), but because we only have so much. We really need to be sort of careful and not just go burning through fuel, especially now that fucking China and India have decided they want to join the 21st century and quit riding bicycles everywhere.

So here's my point, eco-fags. Stop talking about fucking carbon footprints and all that shit. Cos I am a dude, and I am stupid. Whenever you talk about a carbon footprint, all I can think about is a dick-waving contest and how I want the biggest carbon footprint in the world. Remember that movie 'Kung Fu Hustle'? Remember the Buddha Palm move? I want that shit to be my carbon footprint.

3.02.2008

Set the world on fire!

I watched about 16hrs of Jackass yesterday. Yeah, it was the re-run of when they took over MTV, and I'm a big fan of people getting the shit knocked out of them by their own hand. Apparently Anna is too, cos she sat right along and chucked with me. Which I guess is rad, cos Jackass is primarily a dude show.
16hrs though. Goddamn, that's a lot of fucking drunk retards punching each other in the balls. I wish I'd counted, cos I'm pretty sure that there was about 1.63 shots to the groin every ten to fifteen minutes. And for all you sons of bitches that believe life imitates art...well, suck it. If it did, every male in this country would be sterile before age of 15. Actually, I'm surprised that most of us aren't already. Every dude I know has had that one accident with his bike at least twice. You know what I'm talking about. You're riding on the seat and you hit a bump. And you discover just how wonderfully that bar can cleave your testicles in two.
Which reminds me: why is it that the girls got that sloped down center bar with their lack of external genitalia? But us guys, with our poor sensitive, nerve-ridden beanbags....we get the bar that's about an inch and a half away from the seat. Good move, bike engineers. I'm sorry that you don't have balls and you're angry about it, but why did you do this to us??

I should stop talking about balls for awhile. People are going to start thinking things....

Since I'm about 15 years behind the whole "technology thing"(the most advanced piece of equipment I have in my house is an Xbox 360), I just recently figured out that if you go to Google video and search something, most of the stuff on there you can download in a format that you can slang onto your iPod or whatever. And I got all excited and threw two of the old Big Brother videos on there, which is like proto-Jackass. And it's great, cos while something looks like shit when it's all blown up, it looks really good on your little 1.25" iPod screen...especially if you have a magnifying glass.
Hiii-oh!!!!