11.14.2008

Stop- parental time!

I guess that right about the time you start going out in public with your child is when random fucking strangers can come up to you and start talking to you about how fucking awesome it is to be a parent. Yeah dude, you're right. I finally know how totally awesome it is to accidentally touch feces on a daily basis. And there's nothing better in life than holding your baby girl, looking right in her eyes and seeing that beautiful smile, and then watching her totally vomit everything she's eaten 20mins previous all over your goddamned lap.

I tell you what, I didn't feel whole until my child started using me as her personal toilet. I didn't feel the urge to go up to random dudes and start talking to them like we're super old friends and go on and on about how fucking sweet kids are. I hate the fact that my having a child is the equivalent of a sign that says, "TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CHILD". And I especially hate it when they're all, "You know what I'm talking about, you have a daughter, too." And I'm all, "No dude, I don't know what you're talking about. Your child is black and mine is white, which puts them at radically different socio-economic ends of the ladder. Your child is probably going to be on some sort of welfare, and have about six or seven different kids...most likely with different dudes. My child is probably going to some
borderline lesbian liberal arts school, where she'll kiss a few girls, maybe let one fingerbang her, and then decide that she likes dudes, anyway. She'll marry some bonehead that I hate and will have to pretend to like every holiday, even though he's probably going to like Budweiser and think that Dane Cook is the apex of comedy.
Or she'll end up in a trailer park somewhere. Who knows? As long as she doesn't end up on the pole, I could give a fuck. But the point of this whole story is she'll have options.

Awright, all racism aside, I want to tell you all about a little movie that I picked up the other day for like, .99. Yeah. So you know it's fucking good, right? It's called Hard Rock Zombies. Okay, now you know it's fucking awesome. Don't believe me? Check out the fucking cover, I can wait. Yeah, you see that? Did you check that fuckers' moustache? And his lion's mane of hair? Okay, the movie is seriously half as awesome as that cover.
And dig this: the movie is about a really shitty, and I use this term very, very loosely, metal band, that goes to this town despite being told by some random chick that they'll die. Cos apparently, when you need to rock, there are no warnings that will keep you away. Ask Ronnie Van Zant, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and Randy Rhodes. Don't ask Buddy Holly or the Big Bopper, though. They don't know fucking anything.
Anyway, they go to this town to rock, and after a really, really gay dance sort of video thing, they get killed. Like the chick told them they would. And it turns out that the dude that's behind all of this, this whole evil plot of taking over some shitty little town somewhere with a bunch of weirdo freaks IS NONE OTHER THAN FUCKING ADOLPH FUCKING HITLER.
I am not making this up. It's actually Hitler behind all of this. And I'm talking some dude saying he's Hitler, I'm talking full Nazi uniform with the Seig Heil's and fucking everything. Hell, the whole reason I bought the fucking thing is I saw Hitler on the back. And I couldn't believe that someone out there had the balls to make a movie that didn't take place in World War II would have Hitler be the primary antagonist.
I wish I could tell you more about the movie, but it's around this time that I became really drunk...or maybe it just kicked in, and I really don't remember anymore about it. Other than the "metal" band was pretty much only buried under 3 inches of dirt. The kind of dirt that you put in a potted plant.
So yeah, three out of 900 stars. Good stuff. If you're really, really high and there is absolutely nothing else on television.

Band I've been listening to a lot of this week: Fucked Up. No, that's the name of the band. And they are awesome.

Keep it black, kids.

11.04.2008

11.03.2008

Wake me up sometime next week

Jesus, will I be fucking happy when we've elected our new freedom hating overlord and we're over-joyed at the entirely new ways we're getting fucked up the ass by our elected officials. I'm so sick of hearing "socialist this" or "creepy old man looking scrotum person that". I just want to hear about how much our new President is totally fucking shit up, or about how it's wack yo to have a black man in the white hizzie(LOL).
I think what I'm most tired of hearing is all the bullshit political ads. We all know that once Barak Obama is elected, he's going to personally murder the first born child of every white family in order to cement his rise to the Muslim Throne of Blood, at which point the 1,000 years of darkness will reign over the world. And yes, we all know that McCain plans on mainlining stemcells and eating fetuses in order to prolong his unholy lifespan so that he can see how the 100 years in Iraq plays out. We all know this. I like to think that these are just two of the reasons we're voting for out selective candidate. At least I know that I've got somewhat of a boner about infanticide and/or unholy lifespans. It's like a fucking H.P. Lovecraft novel, only that shit is going to be on the news/cable news(
NOT REAL NEWS) every night. And I think we all need a little more of the Elder Gods in our lives.
What I'm tired of is the selective statements. You know, they take something that one candidate said, and then they leave out the most important part. For example: "If elected, I promise to save America from all threats!". What they usually leave out is, "..that aren't white and rich!". Wah wah waaaaahhh! This is also known as
context. If you're married, you know all about this shit. I'm tired of people outright lying and just blowing things out of proportion. I'm tired of Drudge slapping a question mark on the end of something(OBAMA THREATENS ALL OF THE WORLD WITH GIANT ROBOT????) and people letting that shit slide cos he's asking a question. I want the world to get back to normal, when we can start blaming minorities and illegal immegrants for all the problems that are going on in this world. And by the world, I mean what really counts as the world: America.

So I guess it all goes down tomorrow. Let's hope that we don't end up with at least four more years of the same bullshit. I'm ready to get fucked in another position, thank you very much.