12.29.2007

It's like being smashed in the face with a planet

Yes, NFL Network, we get it.
We get it that you're the NFL Network, hence you have the right to EVERY NFL game EVAR. We get it that you're so NFL, you can't even pass the other networks in the hall without caving in the sternum of ESPN. We get it that you're so cool, you let a game that is more or less meaningless to 90% of the viewing audience(cos let's face it: no one wants to see the Pats go 16-0 except for about 1/250th of the nation).
So lay off the goddamn commercials about how B.A. you are. We get it already.
Damn.

Did he just fart in space?

More about Mass Effect, cos I like it and it's fucking awesome.

So I recently nuked some planet and left one of my crew behind. I hope that doesn't hinder the ending in some way. It was one of my biotic(read: magic) dudes, the operative word being "dude". See, I'm trying to bang one of two chicks I can bang on the ship, and since I'm not quite sure I want to be nailing blue vag just yet, I'm keeping the other human chick alive. Until I'm sure that I'm not going to get smurf wiener or I know for certain that inside her baby tunnel, a million razor-sharp teeth are not waiting in some inhuman maw.
Seriously, it's a possibility. Her species is genderless. They repopulate in tubes or some shit. They just kinda look female. Which I guess makes the whole species lesbian in nature, but whatever.
So yeah, I nuked the planet. Left a guy behind. And now everyone on the ship is all, "Waaah, the Lt. is dust now. Why didn't you leave me??" Of course, everyone being the human chick I would like to put it in. She just doesn't get that despite having a first name of 'Boner', Cmdr. Sheppard is not gay.

Which reminds me: the whole time this game is going on, there's a chance that my crew is facing the end of all that is. I mean like the whole goddamn universe, everything. It's all gone if I fuck this up. The machine gods(I'm not kidding) are going to come and ruin everything, and I've been running around the goddamn universe like a chicken with my head cut off trying to stop it, and the one thing, the one goddamn thing that I want....is a little comfort. Hell, I'd be happy with a hug right now. I've had to make some hard choices, and these frigid bitches on my ship aren't even giving me a light touch on the shoulder, one of those touches that says, "Hey there, sir. I know that you've had to make some hard choices, and you've got a lot of your shoulders, being the first human SPECTRE and all. You've got the Council on one hand treating you like some retarded child with a pulse rifle, and then you've got the humans on the other telling you to hurry up and save the universe so that the Council will no longer look at us as if you're retarded. Tell you what, come down to this corner of the ship that I'm always in, time doesn't matter cos I'll be here, but you come down here and I'll take off whatever the hell it is that I'm wearing, and I'll let you fire a couple of shots into my blue alien butthole(I'm assuming that she has one, you know, for elimination of waste and farting), cos that what all humans like. Taboo anal sex. With an alien. Then after the experimentation is done, you can go back to your vanilla relationship with that borderline lesbian fighting machine upstairs. Sound good?"
There's a lot of talking in this game. Really.

While we're on the subject of interstellar love in the far future, let's talk about how you can be a chick and romance the other chicks, leading to either some totally hot girl on girl action, or girl on genderless alien with female appearance action. That shit is rad, and I may check that out on future play-through's of the game, as I've heard you get to see the blue chick's side boob. Nice.
But I doubt it. I was never one to play as a chick. Sure, it sounds great and all, but I just can't extend my disbelief far enough for me to believe that: a) chicks are good fighters; b) chicks will be put in charge of super-advanced military technology; or c) chicks will ever save anything other than coupons. I'm sorry, that's just how it is. But I guess...I guess it's a game, and the implausible can happen.
Anyway, so you can play a chick and do the dyke romance. Hot. But what I really, really want is some hot dude on dude action. That would be fucking hilarious. Can you imagine?? Cmdr. Boner Sheppard is up on the bridge, looking at some fucking blinking lights or some shit(cos in the future, that's all you get to stare at on space ships; windows are for cretins), and one of your subordinates comes up there...
-Tough decision you had to make there Cmdr. Do you need to talk about it?
-I knew I'd have to make these decisions when I took on this job. Every soldier does. It's part of the territory. But....but thank you, Lt. It means a lot to me, your offer.
-You know, sir, since you became a SPECTRE, I'm not really a subordinate anymore.(rests hand on shoulder)Unless you want me to be.
(a knowing glance is exchanged....)
And then it's just straight up hardcore gay sex. I'm talking the kind of hardcore gay sex where heads are being smashed into lockers, there's bruises on shoulders from being gripped so hard, and of course someone has to go to the medical bay afterward for butthole stitches, cos something was torn like a goddamn piece of paper. And then the Lt. would be walking funny for the rest of the game, cos you know he'd be the one to get all tore up. Cos let's face it, if you're gay, it's going to be really hard to get people to take you seriously if you want to save the universe, flying around in that fruity little ship of yours.
And it's going to be really, really, really hard to get them to take you seriously if you're sitting on some silly little pillow cos you got your asshole ripped open during some strenuous gay sex with your lieutenant. Sure, it's the future and attitudes have changed regarding homo's, but I doubt they've changed regarding people with three stitches in their balloon knot and a donut pillow on the bridge.

12.23.2007

12.21.2007

Listen up, punk bitches!!!!!!

Things I have been listening to lately:

nine inch nails- Y34RZ3R0R3M1X3D: It's the remix album for 'year zero', and it starts off with a fucking kick ass track. Trent's been really pushing Saul Williams recently(Saul's album shows up here, too), and he should, cos this dude is where hip-hop might be going...although.....

Saul Williams- The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust!: This is probably the best hip-hop album I've listened to in a couple of years that wasn't at least 5 years old. The dude is definately rapping on this thing, but the beats...I don't know. They range from weird funk stylings to industrial noise. And meanwhile, Saul raps or says his poetry or whatever over the top of it. Whatever, it's kick ass. Not the poetry, though. That's still, and will always be, gay.

GZA/Genius- Liquid Swords: This came out 12 years ago. It is still fucking awesome.

Weezer- Pinkerton: I don't give a shit what Rivers says, this album is probably better than most of their other shit, and it's really a shame that he's more or less disowned it. Another great start off track, and this will probably be soundtrack for writing for some time to come.

Godflesh- Love and Hate in Dub: Godflesh was this band that I just picked up when I was 19 and in college, and I was probably on a shitload of mushrooms and saw this band called "Godflesh". I was somewhat of a militant atheist back then, and I figured that this would piss my parents off to say that I liked it. The album was Songs of Love and Hate, I think. Can't remember. Either way, I stole it from the college radio station and listened to it for about a week. And then spent the rest of the month in the worst depression ever. I literally wanted to kill myself. That's how good Godflesh is. If you're not depressed, you're going to want to burn the whole world away. Fuckin' British people, man....

Gots to go clean up. Things to do today, me boyo's. Things to do today....

12.09.2007

Got genocide?

Two(2) things:

1. I was in the supermarket tonight, buying Banana a chocolate bar. Whilst waiting in line, I saw myself a book with the Virgin Mary holding little 9lb. 8oz baby Jesus in her arms. The title of said book?? 'There Was No Snow on Christmas Eve'.
NO SHIT! IT'S THE FUCKING DESERT, YOU FUCKERS!
Goddammit, I mean, what the fuck? I'm sick of these fucking Christians getting all pissed off and trying to take back their holiday. They should just give up and realize that Christmas is all about one thing: cash. It's about buying shit, a lot of shit, and then spending the rest of the next year paying off the bills. It hasn't been about Jesus and all that lame shit since people started getting presents on Christmas. As soon as the gift thing came into the equation, Jesus was totally gone.

2. While in the same supermarket, some chick had a hoodie on that said 'save darfur' on the front of it. And I felt incredibly angry about it. Not cos I'm all for genocide and whatever awful shit is going on there, but that people are so self-absorbed that they think their purchase of some $40 hoodie, or sticking some stupid sign in their front yard is going to save a life half-way across the world. Do you honestly think those machete-wielding maniacs are going to stop hacking off the breasts and limbs of someone and say, "Hey click-click-buuuuuur, some 20-something bank teller bought a sweatshirt and stuck a sign in her front yard. It said, "Save Darfur". And it got me thinking. Maybe...just maybe we shouldn't murder and rape this 14 year old girl. Maybe...just maybe it's wrong."
NO.
Wrong answer.
Most of this shit, from what I've read, is due to tribal tensions. Do you know what that means? It's the fucking Hatfields and McCoy's. These people don't know why they hate each other, they always have. To them, the reason is irrelevant. It's always been that way, so they just go with it.
Furthermore, purchasing a sweatshirt will most likely not do anything, other than make someone with a sweatshirt factory rich.

Ugh. I hate when people do this to me. I hate when they make me get all serious and angry.

12.07.2007

I got bit by a shark

This will be short.
I cut my hand at work today. It was great. I bled a lot, and people kept asking if I was okay, and if I was sure I could drive myself to the hospital. Sure, it's a pretty sweet cut, but it's not like I cut off a finger or anything.
But it was cool, and I got about 8 stitches(tho' I not be a bitch). I'll put a picture on here as soon as I can trick Banana into letting me use her Mac to get the picture off my phone.

Shit.

12.06.2007

Rhymes with cocksmoker

It's about this time of night when my body starts to give out on me.
Personally, I don't think I'm eating properly for the job that I'm forcing myself to do everyday(sans for the Sabbath; the only food your body needs on that day is the lord), and it's starting to take a serious effect on me.

For example: tired. Mostly all the time. I guess that goes with the territory, seeing as how I'm working out more every day than I have since I was...oh...about 18-19 years old. So yeah, there's a lot of muscle pain that goes on. I think it's them screaming for protein. Could be wrong.
For another example: moody. I know this happens when blood sugar starts to go down. I do a good job of keeping it in check at the homestead, but I can be a right dickweed at work. Seriously. I think I'm probably one of the more popular people there, if by popular I mean "Most Likely to be Killed by Any Method You See Fit". Lucky for me it's a job and not a popularity contest...but boy, if it was.....

I suppose it's all a moot point, anyway. The job will be over soon, I'll be out of the state, and I won't have to worry about the shitty employment opportunities for undereducated know-it-all slackers like myself. Who am I kidding? The job opportunities are going to be just as shitty for a retard like myself, except there's just going to be more retards, hence a need for more employment options for those of the retarded persuasion.
Makes sense, right?
So here's the wacky thing: most of my life, I have wanted to get the fuck out of this state. I've been jealous and somewhat resentful of those that have managed to do it, and now when told that it's time to do so, I'm a little apprehensive about doing so. Main reason is the distance from friends and the fact that I really suck it hard at making new ones. I can make aquaintances like all get out, but the whole friend thing is...difficult. Probably cos I'm such a dickweed.
But, brightside time: concerts, shows, it's there. Boston also has a kick as local music scene. Aaaand, as I've been looking into, a really slick indie comic scene. So maybe I can get down there, find an artist I can work with, and get something else I've been wanting to do, done.

I have more, but this is pissing me off, not having the text show up on the screen when I type it. This lag is irritating me. See?? Not eating properly, right there.

12.03.2007

Things to know

If you don't live in the northeast, you're probably not reading this. If you do, you're aware of the super good times weather outside. Let me relate to you a short tale of discovery and excitement.

The 2001 Jetta that we drive comes with ASR, or Acceleration Slip Regulation. It's the German way of saying Traction Control. How this is supposed to work is that when one or more of the wheels start to lose grip with the road, the car's T-1000 like brain does a bunch of math in shit, all in the span of a couple of miliseconds. If one of the tires loses grip even a little bit, it will decide to do one or all of the following:
  • Retard or suppress the spark to one or more cylinders
  • Reduce fuel supply to one or more cylinders
  • Brake one or more wheels
  • Close the throttle, if the vehicle is fitted with drive by wire throttle.
  • In turbo-charged vehicles, the boost control solenoid can be actuated to reduce boost and therefore engine power.
That's all well and good, but let me tell you what actually happens: there's this little light on my speedometer. And when I go around a slight turn in shitty weather at about 20mph, the car's Speek-n-Spell like brain goes "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit", and that light flashes on and off fast enough to give me a seizure. Then the car goes sideways as the brain figures it should do something with brakes or something, and I turn the wheel to compensate. Then me and the brain go sideways down the on-ramp at 15mph, both of us going "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit".
So yeah, I didn't go to work today. I drove to the next exit and turned right the fuck around, the little "ohshitohshit" light flashing on and off, more or less the whole fucking way.

And that's how I started my day!

12.02.2007

Been sitting on this for awhile...

I've been a big MST3K fan since about '94 or so, and as a result I'm a sucker for shitty movies, but they have to be above and beyond sort of shitty, not 'Pearl Harbor' or 'End of Days' shitty. You know what I'm talking about here. Think 'Killdozer' or 'Freejack' and you're sort of heading in the right direction.
NOTE: I know that 'Freejack' should get a pass due to the involvement of Mick Jagger. No dice. That movie really eats it, hard.
So yeah, I love shitty movies, but only if they're trying really hard. Combine that with the inability to stop reading a book, regardless of how bad it is, and you have a person that tends to consume a lot of bad media. Oops.
But this is a good thing- for you...maybe. See, I've got a couple of candidates for a what I'd like to call a "Good Review for Shitty Media". Movies, games, TV, radio, music, books, and magazines. I'll leaf through them half-assedly, most of the reading will be done on the toilet, and when I'm done I'll tell you why it's shit, but why it's so goddamn hilarious at the same time. Like the sodomy scene in "Roadhouse"(also a shoe-in).

Right now, I've got two really obvious candidates: 'Brotherhood of Death'; Black people that are obviously too old join the Army and go to 'Nam(which looks suspiciously not like 'Nam), then come back to their old stomping grounds in the south and fight the Klan. And this shit magazine/book 'Jetstream'; Quebec and Europe invade the U.S. And the National Guard fights back. That's actually complicating the book a lot.

Any suggestions are welcome. I promise I'll definately give it a look. And as per usual, there's no real schedule for this. Usually whenever I get really high and have a lot of time on my hands that isn't occupied by my penis.