Oh yeah

Oh yeah, I wanted to mention the whole Twitter thing.  Yeah, I have a twitter.  You’re probably here from Facebook, so you’ve got it.  If not, mention in a comment and I’ll throw it out there.
I want to be down with Twitter.  So hard.  But I just don’t feel important enough to deal with it.  I got TweetDeck, had my shit up, was reading it, but I found myself reading more than I posted.  And then I figured:  “Who gives a fuck when I toast a bagel?  Are any of my friends sitting around wondering what I’m doing at 1:17pm EST???”
I like my friends, but no, they are not doing that.  No more than I am them.  Sorry Anna, I just figure it’s work.  Like I’m sure you figure it’s either ignoring the Peanut, video games, and/or masturbating.  Answer:  ignoring the Peanut.  Gross.
With all that said, I am saying I will keep my Twitter, my primary usage will be for a few newsfeeds, and JK Broadrick’s info.  I will not be deleting anyone, cos I’ll still read it, I’m just saying that I don’t see much of a purpose of me posting the entirety of my life at 140 characters a time.  Fucking Ashton Kutcher does that. 

Also:  Netflix, if you’re reading, sending me the US Theatrical Cut of ‘Dawn of the Dead’???  Fucking mad gay.

Boo-yah shakka!

I was about to say how I spelled that wrong, but last I checked there’s no proper way to spell it.  So eat it.
So we all know, the proper set up for this is font Times, size 10.  For further reference.  So I know how to format this bitch.

So yes, it’s been some month and some dates since I last did something, and I was all, “Meeeeeaaah, got Windows Live and I can just load a program and blog from that, so I’ll do it a whole bunch now!!!  Yeah, and you can all come on and revel in the endlessly cynical racist bullshit that comes out of my brain!!!”
And to you, the reader, all I can say is:  my bad.  Seriously.  My.  Bad. 

I think the problem is that my blog output increases the more dissatisfied and unhappy I am with my life.  And to be honest with you, despite all the lame shit that is going on right now, or all the awesome shit that isn’t happening right now, the honest truth is that I’m pretty goddamn happy with my life.  I’m in a really good place right now, a place that five years ago I wouldn’t have seen myself in due to my own general emotional retardation.  And this weird self-destructive component that seems to be part of every American male, be it dormant or dominant. 
So while there is still plenty of fucked up filth on the internet for me to comment and make fun of, the problem is that I can’t really look at it, cos my kid is around.  And no one wants to be the guy that is doing blog research about “fisting” while his kid hugs his leg.  And if there is someone that’s totally cool with that, I’m not.  So I guess until I get a job that gives me unfettered ‘Net access, this is what you’re going to get for awhile.  Suck it down!

Things that I am currently digging want to talk about how much I love:
1.  Netflix over XBox Live- This shit is so fucking sweet.  I’ve just been slurping down ‘Heroes’ S. 1 like it’s going out of style, and I’m so jazzed for that.  It’s DVD quality, it’s right there, and you can get as much of it as you can stomach.  Which, if you’re me, is a whole fucking bunch.  I mean, we’re talking hours.  What?  Mother-in-Law is here, and she is going crazy about that baby.  I seriously almost feel bad if I get in that babies way.  And Anna, since you are going to read this, it is not a joke.  No sarcasm involved.  I don’t even want to touch that baby in front of your mother, for fear that I am depriving her of a chance to hold her.
How any of this has to deal with Netflix is beyond me.  But I digress.
It’s great, you can watch a bunch of movies through your XBox on a TV as opposed to a 15” laptop screen.  It’s great. 

2.  My Bloody Valentine’s ‘Feed Me With Your Kiss’. 

3.  Star Trek- Not “Star Trek” as a whole, but the most recent movie.  Don’t get me wrong, Star Trek is fucking awesome, save ‘Insurrection’ and the first two seasons of ‘Enterprise’.  But overall, come on.  Realistic(sort of) space travel???  Awesome.  And yeah, I’m totally pumped about the new Star Trek MMO.  But the most recent movie???  Nailed it.  Seriously.  Did everyone do all the same goofy shit as the ‘60’s?  No.  But that’s now what Star Trek is.  Star Trek is exciting shit happening, nailing bitches, and blowing shit up.  So it’s like, 1/3 of the Navy today.  For most people.  Which makes sense, cos they follow the whole Navy system of doing shit(rank, bunking, amount of decent bitches).  But yeah, awesome.
And for all those douchers saying, “Eeeeah, the Enterprise looks like the Apple Store!!”  FUCK YOU.  It’s the fucking future, dick breath.  What’s it going to look like, Sharper Image???  Fuck you!  The future is shiny, it is clean lines, and it is white backgrounds under an inch or two of lucite. 
And Apple is the fucking future, dickwad.  iPod, iPhone, iMac…eNterprise?? 

4.  Fallout 3.  Until I beat it.  In like, 30-something hours.  Never used a mini-nuke.  Trying to find a reason to re-play it.

5.  Zombies.  Because they’re dead, and yet they hunger for human flesh.  And it’s the closest I’ll ever come to being able to murder hundreds upon thousands of people.  With a fucking chainsaw.

AND THAT’S AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!

Fear is not the only mindkiller

So it’s starting to get annoying, cos I’m getting to the point where the National Guard is shaping up to be the only real opportunity.  And I am not a military dude.  Not that I couldn’t physically do it, but those of you out there that know me know I am not one of those people that deals well with what people like to call “authority”.  I can do what I’m told, but I have a tendency to dwell and simmer on slights, perceived or otherwise.  Also:  no huge desire to spend massive amounts of time away from my family.  And they’ll make me cut my hair.  And so on, and so on, and so on….
Wasn’t Obama supposed to fix all this shit?  Where are the jobs, raining down forth from the heavens, showering us all with their bountiful pay??  I look up, don’t see shit. 
I was actually excited about this, at one point.  Staying home with the kid, guiding her, shaping her, making her hate as I do.  Now it’s just…meh.  Don’t get me wrong, still enjoy the time with the baby, but it’s the not getting out of the house, it’s the not interacting with people, it’s the not having any money to get shitfaced on the weekends with. 

Bah.  I’m done with this.  This is not a melodrama blog.  This is a funny blog.  To prove that, here is a picture of a robot masturbating.

Okay, that didn’t happen.  But if you Google Image Search “robot masturbating”, you’ll find an entirely new subsect of porn that I am disturbed to know exists.

It’s about magic

Part of the reason that I didn’t post as much as I did is that it was a pain.  Yes, I am that lazy.  Actually, it was more about consistency on my part:  if the text size doesn’t match from entry to entry, I get angry, cos the flow of it is all fucked up. 

So I went and installed the Windows7 beta and got all hopped up on this Windows Live thing, which just happens to include this Windows Live Writer, which allows me to connect to the blog and more tightly control the text size.  I know that Blogspot allows this, too, but for whatever reason it was always a pain in the ass for me.  Primarily because I have been known to indulge in weed, and that makes it hard for me to remember things like, “Did I use Small text or Smaller?” and “Where did I leave the baby?”.

Which reminds me. 

I have another blog, too, which I set up cos Andrea thought it would be fun for you all to read about how much I hate my child due to her screaming for hours on end, and the fact that I constantly have to make sure she isn’t headed for Head Trauma Central.  I sort of thought that I should as well, because I have a daughter now, and I feel weird when I write about the cute shit that she does(OMG she has teefus!!!1; OMG she’s standing on her own!!!1) being part of the same blog(not necessarily the same post) that I write about my excessive hatred for Miley Cyrus and how I hope that some day she is found in a ditch somewhere, raped to the point of catatonia. 

I know, some of you are shocked.  “I have a daughter now,” you are saying to your screen, which is weird because I can not hear you.  “What if that happens to her?!?!”  I realize this, and it’s something that I have rationalized away by knowing that I am a horrible asshole, and that bad things are going to happen to me, not her.  And let’s face it, if that shit was going to happen, she would have been born a horrific tumor of flesh and mewling, because I have said and done some shit in my day.

So yeah, I have a stay at home dad blog, it just won’t be updated much(well, you’re used to that), cos I doubt that most of you want to read about how I ignore her and look at girls boobies online, how I feed her mush while trying to watch shitty movies, and how I ignore her and play XBox.  That shit is boring.

Also:  I don’t know if any of you have read Tucker Max, but a good 90% of his stories are pretty hilarious.  As Ryan has brought up, there is some questionable validity to his writing, but that’s besides the point.  Funny is funny.  If placed in a context of actually happening, it’s fucking hilarious.  Where I’m going with this, is I have done some awful shit in my day.  It just happens to be funny, because it was done to random anonymous people that went to Bowdoin College, so you know they’re rich trust fund fuckers, and those people rank one step above sex offenders.  Which means you can do anything you want to them, and it’s not bad.  Let me know if you want to read some of them.

Been awhile

Sorry I haven’t been around.  I wish I could say that I’ve been doing something awesome, like secretly tainting blood supplies in predominantly homosexual communities with AIDS, but I haven’t and that’s just wrong.  Mostly I’ve been sitting at home, watching shitty daytime television and keeping the child from sticking whatever metal implement I’m letting her play with at the moment in whatever outlet she happens to be around.  Because first and foremost, I am a good father.

So anyway, it’s April, which means that we are once again free from the oppressive winter overlord.  We moved into a new apartment, as those of you that are here from Facebook already know, and it is good.  Being above ground is sweet, especially after having spent an entire year in a basement.  Security is cool at first, but then you realize like that “windows” aren’t just because teenagers need something to throw rocks at.  Them shits is important.

Unless it’s fucking 6:30am and your house faces eastward.  Then you crave the cold clammy basement.  I’m seriously thinking of tin-foiling the fuck out of these windows.  Let the neighbors think I’m crazy, it’ll keep the fuckers away from the car.

I know, I sound like a bitch.  “You wanted these precious windows, you asshole,” you say to me in my head.  “You wanted to get above ground like a real person, and see what the fuss is about.”
”Yes, this is true,” I reply back to you, also in my head.  “But as a person, I reserve the right to bitch and complain and reverse my decision all the fucking time.  It’s called being an American, and I fucking rule at it.  Now get out of my head.”.

But other than that, the moving thing, I’ve got nothing to really tell you all about.  Yes, we’ve all seen ‘Watchmen’ and know how fucking good it was."  Yes, we all know that Alan Moore is officially a pissy old dude with a creepy beard and tells people he’s into magic and shit(really Alan??  In the 21st century???).  Yes, I’m going to sit here and tell you that I’m going to work harder at updating this, not that it matters; the three of you that probably read this are long gone, bound for finer pastures.  But honestly, I will.  I have a new program that lets me do this shit without even logging into the blog.  And I fucking love technology that makes it easier, almost rewarding you, for being lazy.  Now if' you’ll excuse me, I have some creepy anime to watch.  I’ll talk to you about it later.

Goddamn you, internet

At what point did the Internet become legitamate?
Seriously, at what point did people start using the Internet as a way to prove the validity of something. The Internet, as far as I'm concerned, is best used for the following three things, in this order: Keeping touch with people that are far away, thus alleviating the need for phone calls; reading about video games/comics/movies that are coming out and keeping up with the snarky, "I could do better than this on my worst day" comments/message boards that go along with them; and to watch a 10min movie of two chicks banging each other. That's it.
Now all of the sudden(READ: as of the past five years....I'm slow), people are sourcing Wikipedia for papers, both high school and college, people are talking on television about how awesome their band is based on how many plays it gets on MySpace, and a celebrity will determine how awesome she is based on how many people look for them topless on Google.

I got something to tell you. The best part of the Internet is that any random asshole can contribute to it. Back in the day, knowledge was exclusive. Only a certain group of people could band together and decide, "Okay, this part about how to plant food is totally worth remembering. That part about the goats shitting blood, we can collectively forget that as a society. It does nothing for us."
BUT NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!
That little club of deciding shit, that little group of fuckers that get to pick and choose what we get to pass down through generations, those old white men who decide that Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with....no longer do they alone get to decide what we know. Now we will never forget that some dude stuck a glass vase up his ass and that shit broke. Now we'll know, FOREVER, the best way to put two hands inside someone is also referred to as "the bellows". And we'll also know that Obama was actually born in Kenya from a alien Muslim robot. So seriously, making him President is paramount to suicide, America. I hope you're happy.

However, the fact that anyone can add to the Internet is also the worst part about it. Sure, some of the porn has been weeded out, but like that above link shows, a lot moe fucked up shit has taken its place. I never saw girls eating shitting real poo into a real glass, then eating fake poo out of said real glass when I was connecting at 14.4. Sure, I saw some vadge, but it wasn't moving. And there sure as shit wasn't a serious chance for possible injury. Like internal bleeding and shit. Jesus.
But then the technology to transfer those creepy weird tapes you made while on that mescaline bender got all cheap, and a friend of yours decided that you know what? That shit was funny. And you still owed him $50. So that shit was going online. And now everyone gets to see how you bleed out of your ass.

My point is that you fucking retards should stop acting like the Internet is some vast depository of knowledge. It is, but it's the vast depository of knowledge that's hidden under tons of garbage, rotting meat, and the occasional video of a man mutilating his back door. The literal diamond in a turd.

Someone needs to talk to these kids

Livebait /laɪv/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [lahyv beyt]- The act of saying racist or homophobic things that do not necessarily reflect your view or beliefs to whip the teenage fuckheads that inhabit XBox Live into such a fury that they are incapable of forming a coherent insult, falling back on a series of 'faggot', 'homo' and other homosexually related insults, and/or stuttering. See also: Flamebait

So last night, I was playing 'Grand Theft Auto IV' on Live with Sean, and I'd almost forgotten about the fact that more retarded teenagers inhabit Live than actual normal human beings. Last time I was on Live, I was told that I'd played Halo 3, "...like a nigger"; I'm sure that had it been a game of Madden, that would have been a compliment. However, as black people are much less suited for futuristic guerrilla warfare than white people, this is not a compliment, and more of a put-down. I also heard the word "homo" bandied about quite a bit, which confused me. I thought that in the future, when confronted with an external enemy that wished for our destruction, we would put aside trivial matters such as ass fucking, scissoring, and even docking. Apparently not. Apparently even in the 26th century, if you are a dude and put a penis in your mouth, you are not a valued member of society or the military.
Anyway, getting to the point of this entry, we were jamming out on Live, Sean and I, and we were just riding around in cars, shooting and running down pedestrians for our own amusement. It was Free Mode, which encourages these things. At no point did we attempt to engage anyone else, and for the most part we were on our own private chat line, talking about shit we hated and cartoons, etc. At some point, we decided to get a bunch of people in a bus with a shitload of ammo and just drive around, totally fucking shit up. It seemed like a great plan, and there were a few people that were down with it.
But then we found the kids that weren't.

I know they were kids cos one of them was still looking at a good five years before his balls dropped, and the other thought that the worst insult one could level at another was "faggot". Adults know that there are far worse things you can say, things such as "Mexican" or "Republican". But hey, they'll figure it out, they're young. Either way, I forget what started it- oh wait, no I don't. In order to get the little fuckers pissed, Sean did what I'd like to call 'Live Baiting'. One of the boys was obvious a dark skinned fellow, so Sean dropped the 'nigger' card, and boy, did it hop off from there.
Using everything that he'd learned from whatever hip-hop musician is popular right now, he proceeded to let us know that we were obviously faggots, as only gay people use racial slurs. That hurts my feelings, I use shitloads of them, and to the best of my, my wife's, my child, and my penis' knowledge, I'm not gay. My balls have not returned any phonecalls, but they've been known to drink, so I'm sure they're still asleep. I'm okay with being called a faggot; I'm used to it, I went to public school and I wasn't a popular kid. I heard it a lot. And it was my brother's favorite insult as well. Well, second if you don't count homo as the same word.
But someone needs to tell these kids what and what does not constitute being a homo. Someone should sit them down and explain that if you refer to someone as a, "sweet faggot", that's not so much an insult on your part, but sort of a compliment...if you are gay. During the hey-day of the KKK, do you think that the Klan would sit around and figure out which sweet nigger's yard they wanted to go burn a cross in? Do you think the Nazi's would have arguements over which sweet kike they wanted to gas first? I'm guessing that they didn't, they probably used another word, something like "goddamn" or "fucking". You generally don't use sweet as an adjective if you are speaking derogatorily about something. Generally. Not that I'm some sort of linguist(except the cunning kind...GET IT?!?!?!?!?!), or anything like that, but it just seems like it makes sense. When someone asks you how you're doing, you don't say, "I'd be better, if I didn't have this sweet brain cancer". That's generally how things work, right?
Also- we should explain to the youth exactly what does and does not constitute homosexual behavior. One of the little whippersnappers had expressed a desire for me to come over to his house and suck his dick. I explained to the lad that this constituted the very homosexual behavior that he was chiding me for engaging in. He said that it didn't. If another man sucks your dick, that doesn't make you gay. And I'd sort of be inclined to agree with him, depending upon how good your imagination was. However, if you want another man to suck your dick, then that would make you and the man sucking your dick gay. I mean, think about it. If your desire is for someone of the same sex to pleasure you orally, then you are gay. If you are a woman and want another woman to insert both of her hands up to the elbows in your vagina, you're gay. If you're a man and you want another man to thrust a two-liter bottle sized dildo into your ass and perforate your colon, you're gay.

I don't want anyone here to think that I have anything against gay people. I don't. I just want the future of our country to know how to properly use someone's sexual orientation as an insult. I want these kids to do this shit right. If you're going to make fun of the person driving over your digital corpse for engaging in filthy, decadent, lubed up homo sex, make sure that you yourself do not put yourself in the position of appearing to enjoy the same behavior. That's just not how you insult someone. I'm not going to go to a sex club, stand up and point at the performers, and yell, "Oh my god, that's fucking disgusting!!! How can you put your penis in her vagina!! That shit is sick!!!" It lacks impact. You cannot be guilty of the same behavior that you are ridiculing. It damages your credibility. And when you're 15 years old, you really don't have much credibility in the first place.

Top 10 Favorite Games of All Time

So I'm watching Resident Evil: Regeneration, which is not part of the shitty Milla Jovovich series, but a CGI series that is part of the game cannon. And it got me thinking about how two of my fave games are ResEvil. And then I got to thinking further, "Dude, you should talk about your top ten favorite games". I do this so you can either laugh at my nerdiness or agree with me. Disagreement is punished with scorn and ridicule. This is no particular order. And yes, I realize some of these are multi-platform, but for this entry I am giving the console on which I played the game the most.

10. Sonic The Hedgehog 3(Genesis)
This, for me, was the peak of 2D Sonic radness. Between the awesome Chaos Emerald bonus stages, to the sweet, sweet level design, there was nothing that wasn't great about this game. Not only that, but it was from the 16-bit era, which means that games had to be fun, otherwise they wouldn't get played. Graphics increases have made a lot of things awesome, but they haven't done anything for the fun. Now, a game can just look pretty, and it will sell. See Final Fantasy's continued existence on the non-handheld consoles.

9. Ninja Gaiden(XBox)
This game took up so much of my life, it's insane. I literally played it for about 4 mos. straight. Not like, 8hrs a day or nothing, but it was 4hrs here, 4 there. What can I say about this game? Deep combat system, awesome story, almost-RPG elements.....you're a fucking ninja. Yeah, this game has everything. The shitty camera system can sooooooooo be overlooked, just because the game itself is so great. Honestly, I felt more of an accomplishment beating this game than I did graduating high school. FACT.

8. Resident Evil 2(PlayStation)
Fucking zombies. How can you beat that shit, man? The first Resident Evil I played the holy hell out of. Once, I rented a PlayStation from Home Vision Video and since I didn't have a Memcard, I just left the thing on the whole weekend, so I wouldn't lose my progress. The game was that important to me. Imagine my excitement when a cousin let me use his PlayStation while he was doing something, and the only game he had was Resident Evil 2. I stayed up until 4am sometimes playing this game. I still, to this day, love this fucking game and would buy a PlayStation just to play it.

7. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic(XBox)
The only thing I can really say about how good this game is: George Lucas should have let BioWare write the prequels. Yeah. I said it.

6. Sonic Adventure(Dreamcast)
Hands down, THE BEST SONIC GAME EVAR. I have never felt such a sense of speed from any game I have ever played. This game is one of two reasons to get a Dreamcast if you have about $40. Seriously, even though you had to play as Big The Cat, whose fishing game totally sucked balls, the Sonic levels were just sheer brilliance. If Sega wants to make an awesome Sonic game, which they haven't since Sonic Adventure 2, they need to get everyone that worked on this game and tell them to do exactly the same fucking thing they did in 1999.

5. Marvel vs. Capcom 2(Dreamcast)
Three on three fighting. 56 playable characters from Marvel and Capcom's universe. 2D fighting. I once won a match in 12 seconds flat. This game was made for the ADD generation. And oh yeah, two different versions of Wolverine.

4. Wip3out 3(PlayStation)
Wip3out has always been my favorite racing series. As far as I'm concerned, it's the only reason to get a PlayStation. 3 was the highwater mark of the series. They weren't dicking around with all the upgrade shit, the tracks were out of control, and one time I took a bunch of mescaline and played the game. I got stuck in it. It was fucking amazing.

3. Resident Evil 4(Gamecube)
How do you make a series better? You do what Capcom did with Resident Evil 4. Sure, there's no zombies, but I beat the game in 5 days, I played it so much.

2. Grand Theft Auto IV(XBox 360)
The other day, I spent about a half hour just watching TV in the game. I didn't accomplish anything, I didn't whack anybody , I just sat in my [digital]apartment and watched TV. And I didn't feel like I was wasting time. Just like real life. This game, and yes it does have faults(*cough*textureandobjectpopup*), is one of the most engrossing games ever released. Rockstar has actually created a living, breating world. And the radio stations are the best yet.

1. Buck Rodgers: Countdown to Doomsday(Genesis)
I don't know what it is about this game, but I spent soooooooooooooooo much money renting this from Sounds Easy Video. And I spent even more time playing it. And entire Summer vacation was wasted on this game. Whenever I download Gensis ROM's, this is the first game I look for. Turn-based strategy RPG based in some weird goofy Buck Rogers universe I don't recognize. RAM? Terrines?? NEO??? Apparently all this shit is based on some Buck Rogers XXVC role-playing pen and paper game, but I never got into it. I just know that Martian Needle Guns are the shit.


There's a ton more that I'm sure should be on here. Mass Effect was sick. Star Wars: KOTOR 2 was great. Fucking Final Fantasy Tactics. Chronotrigger. It goes on. Let me know what your list is.

Holiday-themed racism

Hola.
I was over at joystiq.com, which alongside kotaku.com, is one of two sites that I read on a regular basis to look at all the stuff I can't really afford, but would love to have. And I guess Microsoft got together with some other Hispanic-related survey polling company or whatever, and they determined that the Xbox 360 is the perfect gift for a Hispanic family. Which is funny, cos I would have figured that the Taco-Mania Playset or Juanny Print-Your-Own-Greencard would have been the one thing that Hispanic families would want. Turns out that living in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood does not make you more sensitive to their needs. Here's the survey! And here's me mocking it ruthlessly and with incredibly shallow racism!

Some of the key findings include:

-- More Hispanics want a gift that brings their family together (89% vs. 64% of general population)

My take: Yeah, I bet they want a gift that brings the family together. And nothing brings a family closer together than an Xbox 360. My, I remember how close my family came together when we got our Sega Genesis. I spent a shit ton of time using the box to ignore the fuck out of my parents, who in all honesty were never really that into playing boardgames with us once I got past age NEVER; the other time I was trying to figure out ways to scam my brother out of his turn.

-- More Hispanics are looking for gifts that people can enjoy throughout the year (95% vs. 85% of general population)

My take: Are they saying that Black people are looking for gifts that they can only enjoy when they are out in the exercise yard? That's what they mean by general population, right?

-- More Hispanics are looking for affordable ways to entertain their family over the holidays (85% vs. 81% of general population)

My take: Running into the living room and screaming ICE!! ICE!! is totally free.

-- Many more Hispanics would rather buy one gift for their whole family than spend money on lots of individual gifts (83 % vs. 52% of general population)

My take: Mexicans are fucking cheap. The statistics totally reinforce this shit.

I don't know if it's cos White people are dicks or if it's just me, but whenever my parents would get both me and my brother a gift, I felt slighted. Sure, it's cos he was five years younger than me and when you're 15 getting action figures as opposed to a stereo, you feel like maybe you did something wrong.
And seriously, the family that plays together is more likely to punch each other in the fucking face. About 50% of the fights me and my brother got in were somehow related to that fucking Sega Genesis. And I have a 360, so I can tell you for certain that it doesn't exude any sort of mood altering pheromone to make getting your ass handed to you in Madden any easier to take.
And I do like how they say, "HALF OF HISPANICS PLAN TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES THIS SEASON". Shit, 100% of the people I know plan on playing video games this season. Fuck, 75% of the people I know plan on playing video games in one hour. That's not really a good statistic. It's like saying that 95% of all Black people are going to listen to hip-hop tonight while they straight roll a blunt, yo. Is that really something you need to make a press-release for? No.
Also, "BEING ENTERTAINED AT HOME IS CRUCIAL FAMILY HAPPINESS". I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, I can sort of see how it makes sense. If the Menendez boys had more to do at the house, outside of firearm appreciation, then the parents would probably still be alive today. But I don't think that you need to be entertained at home for the family to be happy. I could drink anywhere, really, and still be happy. I just like to do it at home, cos when I take my pants off, the police don't show up.

In other news, does anyone know when Frank Miller became a fucking maniac? I mean, dude wrote 'Sin City', '300', did a fucking killer run on 'Daredevil' that pretty much defined the character, did 'The Dark Knight Returns' and 'Batman: Year One', and also penciled the 'Wolverine' solo that defined that character. So you'd think with those sorts of laurels, the dude would pretty much be the go-to guy for DC's 'All-Star Batman and Robin', right??
No. Absolutely not. The comic is fucking out of control. Either Frank Miller has suffered some sort of head injury, or he just stopped taking his meds somewhere around 1993 and we never noticed. I know, I know, if you're into this sort of thing you already know about this.
I'm talking about the goddamned Batman.

This is not a joke.

I'm not kidding. It seems like every other minute, Batman is talking about the "...goddamned Batmobile" or the "goddamned Batcomputer" or something that he feels the need to let us know has been damned by god. Also, this Batman is fucking crazy.
I'm sure you're probably saying, "No shit. He dresses up like a bat to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. He hangs out with a little kid all the time. In a fucking cave!!!" No, I mean legitamately insane.

I told you.

Seriously. He's dropping out of the fucking sky laughing like a goddamned psycho. What the fuck happened, Frank Miller? Did you just realize that, "Oh, Batman is nothing more than a delayed adolescent fantasy gone wrong"?? We've all known this for years. He dresses up like a bat and shoots people with boomerangs and shit. To fight crime.

Wait...what?

Don't get me wrong- It's a great read. Because it's so fucking hilarious. Otherwise, it's fucking awful. It's just one more reason why I don't really read DC. Very few and far between do they have anyone that knows what they're doing with the characters. It's like they hire people and just let them do whatever. "Oh yeah, I know they've been acting this way for fucking ever, but you just do whatever you want with them. Ignore previous conventions as opposed to characterization. No one is going to read this shit in 15 years, anyway."

So stop giving him shit, already. Goddamn.

So I'm not working anymore, doing the Mr. Mom thing, only without all those kids and the creepy older chick trying to get into my pants. So you can bet there'll be more of this shit, cos I have plenty of time on my hands to goof around on the intertubes and read fucked up shit.
You're all doomed.

Stop- parental time!

I guess that right about the time you start going out in public with your child is when random fucking strangers can come up to you and start talking to you about how fucking awesome it is to be a parent. Yeah dude, you're right. I finally know how totally awesome it is to accidentally touch feces on a daily basis. And there's nothing better in life than holding your baby girl, looking right in her eyes and seeing that beautiful smile, and then watching her totally vomit everything she's eaten 20mins previous all over your goddamned lap.

I tell you what, I didn't feel whole until my child started using me as her personal toilet. I didn't feel the urge to go up to random dudes and start talking to them like we're super old friends and go on and on about how fucking sweet kids are. I hate the fact that my having a child is the equivalent of a sign that says, "TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CHILD". And I especially hate it when they're all, "You know what I'm talking about, you have a daughter, too." And I'm all, "No dude, I don't know what you're talking about. Your child is black and mine is white, which puts them at radically different socio-economic ends of the ladder. Your child is probably going to be on some sort of welfare, and have about six or seven different kids...most likely with different dudes. My child is probably going to some borderline lesbian liberal arts school, where she'll kiss a few girls, maybe let one fingerbang her, and then decide that she likes dudes, anyway. She'll marry some bonehead that I hate and will have to pretend to like every holiday, even though he's probably going to like Budweiser and think that Dane Cook is the apex of comedy.
Or she'll end up in a trailer park somewhere. Who knows? As long as she doesn't end up on the pole, I could give a fuck. But the point of this whole story is she'll have options.

Awright, all racism aside, I want to tell you all about a little movie that I picked up the other day for like, .99. Yeah. So you know it's fucking good, right? It's called Hard Rock Zombies. Okay, now you know it's fucking awesome. Don't believe me? Check out the fucking cover, I can wait. Yeah, you see that? Did you check that fuckers' moustache? And his lion's mane of hair? Okay, the movie is seriously half as awesome as that cover.
And dig this: the movie is about a really shitty, and I use this term very, very loosely, metal band, that goes to this town despite being told by some random chick that they'll die. Cos apparently, when you need to rock, there are no warnings that will keep you away. Ask Ronnie Van Zant, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and Randy Rhodes. Don't ask Buddy Holly or the Big Bopper, though. They don't know fucking anything.
Anyway, they go to this town to rock, and after a really, really gay dance sort of video thing, they get killed. Like the chick told them they would. And it turns out that the dude that's behind all of this, this whole evil plot of taking over some shitty little town somewhere with a bunch of weirdo freaks IS NONE OTHER THAN FUCKING ADOLPH FUCKING HITLER.
I am not making this up. It's actually Hitler behind all of this. And I'm talking some dude saying he's Hitler, I'm talking full Nazi uniform with the Seig Heil's and fucking everything. Hell, the whole reason I bought the fucking thing is I saw Hitler on the back. And I couldn't believe that someone out there had the balls to make a movie that didn't take place in World War II would have Hitler be the primary antagonist.
I wish I could tell you more about the movie, but it's around this time that I became really drunk...or maybe it just kicked in, and I really don't remember anymore about it. Other than the "metal" band was pretty much only buried under 3 inches of dirt. The kind of dirt that you put in a potted plant.
So yeah, three out of 900 stars. Good stuff. If you're really, really high and there is absolutely nothing else on television.

Band I've been listening to a lot of this week: Fucked Up. No, that's the name of the band. And they are awesome.

Keep it black, kids.

yes

yes.

Wake me up sometime next week

Jesus, will I be fucking happy when we've elected our new freedom hating overlord and we're over-joyed at the entirely new ways we're getting fucked up the ass by our elected officials. I'm so sick of hearing "socialist this" or "creepy old man looking scrotum person that". I just want to hear about how much our new President is totally fucking shit up, or about how it's wack yo to have a black man in the white hizzie(LOL).
I think what I'm most tired of hearing is all the bullshit political ads. We all know that once Barak Obama is elected, he's going to personally murder the first born child of every white family in order to cement his rise to the Muslim Throne of Blood, at which point the 1,000 years of darkness will reign over the world. And yes, we all know that McCain plans on mainlining stemcells and eating fetuses in order to prolong his unholy lifespan so that he can see how the 100 years in Iraq plays out. We all know this. I like to think that these are just two of the reasons we're voting for out selective candidate. At least I know that I've got somewhat of a boner about infanticide and/or unholy lifespans. It's like a fucking H.P. Lovecraft novel, only that shit is going to be on the news/cable news(NOT REAL NEWS) every night. And I think we all need a little more of the Elder Gods in our lives.
What I'm tired of is the selective statements. You know, they take something that one candidate said, and then they leave out the most important part. For example: "If elected, I promise to save America from all threats!". What they usually leave out is, "..that aren't white and rich!". Wah wah waaaaahhh! This is also known as context. If you're married, you know all about this shit. I'm tired of people outright lying and just blowing things out of proportion. I'm tired of Drudge slapping a question mark on the end of something(OBAMA THREATENS ALL OF THE WORLD WITH GIANT ROBOT????) and people letting that shit slide cos he's asking a question. I want the world to get back to normal, when we can start blaming minorities and illegal immegrants for all the problems that are going on in this world. And by the world, I mean what really counts as the world: America.

So I guess it all goes down tomorrow. Let's hope that we don't end up with at least four more years of the same bullshit. I'm ready to get fucked in another position, thank you very much.

Fear

I know I haven't been around in awhile, but I've been doing things. Daddy things, and not in that creepy way, either. I'm not leering after pre-teens at the school yard, I'm making stupid faces trying to make my child laugh. But she's in daycare, I'm not at work, and I've got a few things on my mind. So let's just get on this shit and get it out of the way, beeyotch.

1- Did you know that retards can vote? I didn't, and it fucking scares the shit out of me. Seriously. There's not a vast, untapped legion of voters out there that can be swayed with the promise of candy and/or popsicles. And then there's the retards, whom can be swayed with those things and toys. Does this bother anyone else? They can't tie their shoes, or shit in a toilet, but they can make a choice on who's going to be our next President. That's fucked up, man. A felon can't vote, and they (for the most part) have all their faculties. They just have really shitty impulse control, and can't decide whether to take no for an answer, or just set it all on fire anyway.
I mean, seriously, retarded people can vote. You might as well give four year olds the right to vote, too. And Muppets. No Fraggles, though. They don't even let those Digger-type fuckers finish what they're doing before they start eating the shit out of it. Fuck Fraggles. However, retards voting does bring me to my next two points:

1.3- Those losers that were protesting 'Tropic Thunder' cos it had that lengthy discourse about how to win an Oscar while playing a retard; and apparently they give a lengthy discourse about how to properly play a retard and win an Oscar. And a bunch of non-retarded people are all pissed off about this. They say it's offensive. Of course, since they work with retarded people constantly, they know what offends them, and a word with more than two syllables is one of those things. I think I may have mentioned this in another blog, in another land, but I've found that more often than not, the people protesting "offensive shit" usually embody none of the things that they're protesting. Sure, they had a couple of 'tards out there with signs and shit, looking all slack jawed and Downs Syndrome-y, but do you think any of them honestly gave a fuck about this movie? No, they were probably just pissed off that they were missing Spongebob Squarepants cos some asshole didn't like the fact that someone was using retarded in a negative connotation.
But hey, asshole, last time I checked, retard is a negative connotation. It's sure as shit not a good thing when the doctor tells you your child is "mentally retarded". No one is throwing parties for that shit. No one is driving around town screaming, "Yeeeeaaaaah!! I just had a retard baby!!!! WOOOOOO!!!". Although, maybe down south they are...
Either way, these people should learn to shut the fuck up and load the van up with all the 'tard babies, and take them to fucking Chuckie Cheese and have a good time. It's a movie, dude. It's a fake world with fake people doing fake shit. Who fucking cares? It's like trying to ban smoking in movies. If you start smoking cos you saw Keanu do it, you deserve to get fucking lung cancer and die. Because you are stupid. And if you have children, then they deserve to have you die when they're young, just so they don't have any awful memories of how stupid you were.

1.5- I bring all this up because of Sarah Palin. I listen to a lot of talk radio, and some moron caller called in about her nomination as VP, and was talking about her giving birth to a child, even though she knew it was 'tarded. Or if you want to be all scientific, Downs Syndrome-y.
Anyway, the caller said that when the retards all heard about Sarah Palin, they cheered. And she inferred that it was cos of the announcement of Sarah Palin. To this, I call bullshit. They probably just passed an ice cream truck or a candy store, something like that. I mean, seriously, retards do not care about politics. They care about apples(Thanks, Patton!), they care about bright colors, and they care about shiny things. They're fucking ferrets with thumbs and a slightly expanded vocabular.

2- It's been out for a long time, but Grand Theft Auto IV is fucking awesome. Seriously. I have beaten the game, but I still enjoy, from time to time, firing it up and just going out and causing serious levels of havoc upon an unsuspecting populace. It makes me even happier to create backstories for some random dude that I plow over.
For example: there's Fred Erics, 48, father of two. He's a lawyer in the real estate business, and it's been a busy week for him. Sure, he could have taken the car to work today, but he doesn't have time to find parking. So he walks. And he just happens to be walking down the street as I come hurtling down the sidewalk at 80mph and splatter him all over the hood of the cop car I stole like a fucking bug. Not a good day to be a real estate lawyer.
The game just manages to do everything that sandbox games have been promising for a long time. It doesn't do it all perfectly, but it does it pretty goddamn good. Better than it has been. If you want to go watch TV for a couple of hours, you can actually watch TV for hours. It's fucking brilliant. The radio stations are top notch, and I haven't really listened to all of them, yet. The cars handle like actual cars, so yes, while you can't go e-braking around a corner like you could, you can't pull that shit in real life, anyway. Trust me, I've tried.

3- There's more stuff, but this is already getting too long, and funny left town awhile ago. So I'll end it on this: TV on the Radio's new album leaked awhile ago, and being the forward-thinking, cheap motherfucker I am, I downloaded it.
And holy hell, I can say that it is probably one of the best goddamn records I've ever heard. That opinion may change awhile down the road, I've been listening to it for awhile(two days). It beats the hell out of Return to Cookie Mountain. And I think that if you like music, you should either download it or go buy it. I'm not going to buy it, cos I'm going to give them my cash direct when I buy their merch next month.

3.5- Oh yeah, saw Reggie and the Full Effect as well. One of the most fun shows I've ever been to. Hands down. Reggie kicked ass for a solid two hours, and he even let us hear some new Fluxuation stuff. And there's going to be a Common Denominator album as well. And a Get-Up Kids reunion. Sometimes, things are really good.

Stephen King knows sweet fuck all about the future of horror....

I have seen the future of horror and it is not Clive Barker. It's this little thing called the EyeDildo. And it's exactly what you think it is. As long as you don't think it's a dildo made out of or shaped like an eye. It's a fucking dildo with a camera in it, so you can see the insides of whatever slut you're too impotent to bang with your own dong. And not only does it have a camera in it, but it has wires coming out of it so you can see the horror that is the inside of a vagina.
Don't get me wrong: I love me some gash. Seriously. My impending child is a testament to this. However, I have no desire to see its inner-workings....again. The last time was traumatic enough. It can be in the name of medical science all it wants, but it's still sort of horrific. I just, for whatever reason, don't have the desire to be that intimate with something that I'm that intimate with.

What disturbs me more than anything is that fucking just isn't good enough anymore. It's like we need to do the most deviant fucked up shit to even pop off anymore. If someone isn't vomiting feces into someone elses butthole while they them self is being drilled by...well, a drill with a dildo on it, it's just not worth beating off to. And that's sad, man. It used to be that people had nothing more than their own filthy imaginations to beat off to. Now we have levels of filth that would make Satan himself blush with shame. And I guess that's a good thing, cos we need something to blame for the reason some dude decapitated a bunch of prostitutes and ejaculated into their throat-holes. Something other than being fucking crazy.

NatGeo be da bomb!

I'm totally going to watch the shit out of this National Geographic(or as the kids say, NatGeo) special on La Chupacabra. Which apparently translates to "The Goat Sucker".

It's going to be sweet. A ton of interviews with poor illiterate Mexicans that are worried about some creature running around in the jungle, sucking on all their goats.
Shows like this and 'Intervention' are the reason I have cable.

Goddamn drugs.

I just don't feel like baring my soul to you tonight.

Yep.

As most of you know, which you should since you're all basically my friends, I am a pretty huge video game freak, or as the media likes to dub us, "Gamers". I've never really had one of those moments, where you have to put down the controller and say, "Whoa. I'm playing a video game." and it comes as a surprise to you. Like you don't realize that you and the character on the screen are not the same person. I've played a lot of video games, and I do mean a lot, and I've never really been subject to that sort of loss of identity.
But Grand Theft Auto did it.
I was riding a bike across a bridge and I could swear that I could feel the breeze in my face. I was jamming tunes, I was feeling good. Sure, maybe it's the booze or the resin, but whatever. If a game can obliterate those sort of boundaries, the most important AT field, isn't that something to be in awe of???

GTA IV has done it. While I will be the first to admit that it's not my most favorite game in the world(that honor belongs to Ninja Gaiden and Ninja Gaiden alone), it comes pretty goddamn close.

I had a bunch of what I thought was super deep shit to say, but I was taking a piss and forgot most of it. Damn you, beer. Damn you, resin.

Play this game. Even if you don't like video games and you think that they are childish, give this one a shot. The narrative alone will slay you.

This is the reason it's still illegal

So apparently regular glass bongs are just played out, now. I guess that the simple thrill of getting high has become so blah that we're not seeking new ways to "up the thrill factor" that we've resorted to fucking smoking weed out of a dude's head.

I'm not fucking kidding. Read the link. It's all right there.

This is the shit that keeps them from legalizing pot. Right there. Every time the government gets together, and they're all, "That Woody Harrelson doesn't seem dangerous. He was Woody on 'Cheers', for fuck's sake!"

And then they'd all murmur to themselves approvingly, about how maybe weed isn't all that bad, and we're not all a bunch of red-ringed eye sporting psychopaths, and that we're not all doing cocaine and heroin within twenty minutes of a first joint, and they're this close saying it's okay, when some dude busts in the room with a newspaper from Texas. And goddamned if doesn't have something on the front page about a bunch of savages smoking weed out of a fucking corpse head they dug up and then decapitated, and that just ruins everything. Next thing you know, they're thinking of pot enthusiasts as being on the same level as, say Hitler or the gays.

Goddammit, it's always like this. We're getting close to it being decriminalized, which is a pretty good step in the right direction. Pot is no different than booze, for example. You have people that can't handle that shit, so when they drink it they get into car wrecks, beat up their wife/children/other family member/any random person available, and just generally make assholes out of themselves, and yet booze is still legal. Hmm. I don't know about you, but if I smoke pot, I'm not going anywhere unless I absolutely have to. Or if I'm playing Grand Theft Auto IV, and I don't actually have to move anything other than a thumb to travel.

I'm not saying all drugs should be legal, good lord no. Cocaine is a not good drug. Nothing positive ever comes out of that shit, except for maybe a really clean house. Meth, well, I guess if you're weight conscious, you're going to be feeling really happy in about a month. I know that I think teeth are seriously played out, too.

And why does it always have to be Texas? Seriously now, what the fuck?

Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitch slap.

If there's two things that I like, they're anime and deals. They go together like penis and vagina. Unless you're not into that shit. But whatever. Anyway, while shopping at Stop and Shop the other day, I came across three anime DVD's for $2.99. I figure, hey, what the hell? One of them was definitely Captain Herlock/Harlock, and the other two had giant robots flying around. How could it possibly be bad? Even when I get a dollar movie from Wal-Mart and it's shitty, at least I get a kick out of it.

Then I saw Protectors of Universe. Yeah, totally. To call this movie "written" is being really, really, really fucking polite. This movie makes absolutely no sense. It's like they took a bunch of shit from other anime, mashed it together, and then well....and then I guess everyone was super loaded the entire time, too.
I watched about 30mins of this, and here's what I figured out: a new star forms, sends out some signal, and then these mohawk sporting blue dudes that attack in submarines. They waste what I thought was Earth, but turns out to be Orion, I think. Orion or whatever freaks out and decides to put ALL THE CHILDREN ON A SPACE TRAIN. I'm not kidding. Eventually Earth releases their giant robot, Mazinger 7....who has a 7 on his belt buckle. He flies around and smashes the blue dudes ships, at one point punching into a cockpit and smashing a dude in the face- that is my favorite part of the whole fucking thing. Like it was personal for the robot.
Anyway, the space train docks into Mazinger 7's butthole. And he flies around with the train in his ass.
Seriously. Someone else made this up, not me. The only possible way I could come up with anything close to this is if drank for about three days straight. And if I did that, I would be too blasted to write.

Then, there's the voice over work. It's so fucking bad. Seriously, I'm sure they just took whomever they say walking down the street and recorded them with an old Fisher Price tape recorder. Hell, some of them didn't even sound like they could read all that well.

Anyone know of any PC DVD playback programs that'll let you take screen caps of whatever you're watching? You gotta see some of this shit.

Who the fuck are you kidding?

I like to think that I'm a pretty tolerant guy: you wanna fuck some dude in the ass or scissor fuck some broad, go for it. You want to let a German Shepard fuck you in the ass while your creepy friends video tape it/jerk off, go for it. You want to cut the head of your dick off in the name of "taking control of your body", hey man, do it up.
I suppose those are extreme examples, but I thought I would start with that first. I'm not averse to people coming to this country from some other one. Hell, this whole country was built on that premise: come here, give us what you've got and we'll make something kick ass out of it. That's what makes us so much more rad than other countries is this implied(I'll get to that in a second) openness of the country. The whole "Give us your weak, your huddled masses..." etc, etc. Seriously, I am so fucking down with that.
But you do it by the rules. Shit man, I'm fucking married to an immigrant. You don't just come in here illegally and then get pissed off when people get mad that you're here. That's like breaking into someone's house, firing up their PlayStation or XBox and then getting angry with them when they ask you to leave. That's fucking bullshit, man.
Read this. And try not to laugh your fucking ass off. You've got this one bitch talking about immigrant rights. Immigrants do have rights. Legal immigrants have rights. Illegal immigrants have rights, too. Unfortunately, one of them is not being allowed to stay in the country. Shit, you fuckers knew that from the get go. That's why you sneaked in!!!!!
And seriously, it's not racial profiling. Is it racial profiling when you look for a 30 year old white male with serious mommy issues that's been chopping up prostitutes in Vancouver? No! It's simple fucking profiling!

Goddammit, this shit is pissing me off. I really, really, really, really don't have a problem with people coming here from other countries, obviously. But I do have a problem with people coming here illegally and sucking up resources and tax dollars and then bitching about when they get shown the door. Fuck you, man.

Jesus, this shit really fucking irritates me.

But on the plus side, Grand Theft Auto IV is fucking awesome. Really. I want to talk more about it, but I have to eat, and I've really only been playing for about five or six hours. And with GTA, that's not nearly enough time to let you know just how B.A. the game is. Plus, I wanna get into the multi-player, too, before I let you know just how kick ass it is.
But you know you've got a great game on your hands when you hit a tree with your car and send your poor Serbian protagonist shooting out of the windshield like a javelin.