Set the world on fire!

I watched about 16hrs of Jackass yesterday. Yeah, it was the re-run of when they took over MTV, and I'm a big fan of people getting the shit knocked out of them by their own hand. Apparently Anna is too, cos she sat right along and chucked with me. Which I guess is rad, cos Jackass is primarily a dude show.
16hrs though. Goddamn, that's a lot of fucking drunk retards punching each other in the balls. I wish I'd counted, cos I'm pretty sure that there was about 1.63 shots to the groin every ten to fifteen minutes. And for all you sons of bitches that believe life imitates art...well, suck it. If it did, every male in this country would be sterile before age of 15. Actually, I'm surprised that most of us aren't already. Every dude I know has had that one accident with his bike at least twice. You know what I'm talking about. You're riding on the seat and you hit a bump. And you discover just how wonderfully that bar can cleave your testicles in two.
Which reminds me: why is it that the girls got that sloped down center bar with their lack of external genitalia? But us guys, with our poor sensitive, nerve-ridden beanbags....we get the bar that's about an inch and a half away from the seat. Good move, bike engineers. I'm sorry that you don't have balls and you're angry about it, but why did you do this to us??

I should stop talking about balls for awhile. People are going to start thinking things....

Since I'm about 15 years behind the whole "technology thing"(the most advanced piece of equipment I have in my house is an Xbox 360), I just recently figured out that if you go to Google video and search something, most of the stuff on there you can download in a format that you can slang onto your iPod or whatever. And I got all excited and threw two of the old Big Brother videos on there, which is like proto-Jackass. And it's great, cos while something looks like shit when it's all blown up, it looks really good on your little 1.25" iPod screen...especially if you have a magnifying glass.
Hiii-oh!!!!

I got issues

Lest I forget

This is a true, 100% factual conversation.

Insurance Operator: "Okay, just a few more questions. And how many wheels does your car have?"
Me: "Uhh...four?"
Insurance Operator: "Okay Mr. *****, blah blah blah."

Come on now. What did they think I was going to say, six???
"Oh yeah, when I'm not hanging in East Boston smoking and drinking with the cholo's, I like to take my eight-wheel vehicle out into Dorchester Bay and roll around in the swamp and smash old Irish Mob corpses into dust."
I guess that Mass has some serious rules when it comes to car insurance. Which is kinda funny, cos I always thought that liberal meant "whatever you wanna do, broseph" or at least "dude, if that's cool with you and doesn't fuck my shit up, go for it. Go for it hard.".
It would appear not. It would appear that liberalism is just as fascist as the conservative faction.

But seriously now: how many wheels does your car have?? I ask you, George Jetson, how many wheels does your car have?!?!?!?!?!

Can I tell you about my abortion experience??

Do yourselves a favor and at least wait until the caller calls in. It sort of makes me wish that I lived down south, where they had all this shit. We have public access stuff up here, but it's all King Jah the mumblin' Rastafarian. And some Mexican stuff. And well, it's not as funny to call them up and prank them, cos A) they don't know what you're saying; and B) it's always so very, very funny to fuck with the religious right. Cocksuckers.

Speaking of cocksuckers, PETA has decided to send an open(read: You don't want our help, but we want to ride your publicity wake) letter to Britney Spears and her Mommy Dearest in which they more or less tell them that eating animal products will make you crazy. Yeah, that's right. Bipolar people are often "hidden dairy sensitives", which sounds almost sci-fi to me. Like in the future, there's going to be people in space, but not a lot of cows. And they're going to use "dairy sensitives" to psychically find them, so we can drink their milk and have strong bones and teeth. Cos we all know that space fucks up your bones something fierce.
Also, they say that there is a link between eating meat and the development of schizophrenia. They specifically say undercooked meat, but whatever.
If that was the case, I'm pretty sure that I would be masturbating in a pile of my own feces right now. My parents were firm believers in the four food groups when I was young(we didn't have no goddamn food pyramid!!), so I ate my fair share of undercooked meat. And while I may be a lot of things, I know that I'm not schizophrenic. This is just another instance of PETA trying to get their stupid agenda pushed forward. We get it, Ingrid. We get that you'd rather fuck an animal than a human. Which is good, cos god bless any human that fucks you. You're not attractive. At all.

Also, Breaking Bad, which is on AMC, is my new addictive show. Fuck you, Heroes. I'd rather see Malcolm's dad cook meth, clean up body goop, smoke pot, and choke a Hispandex dude with a bike lock than see Peter Petrelli mope around for 13 episodes.
Unless, you know, you're planning on coming back next week....in which case, I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean it.

The real downfall of America

Yeah, I guess I could say something about that being NSFW, but you can see any dang. It's probably NSFP, cos if you have a weiner, you're probably going to start thinking some things:

1. Why? Are your friends around? Have you been drinking? Did you feel compelled to impress the internet? Cos seriously bro, you're going to have to go a lot farther than that.
2. Um, do you hate your dick? I mean, do you really, really hate it? Cos if so, just pay someone to kick you.
3. Goddammit. Why do I even bother going online?

And then I realize why I do. To bring you people this: Safe For Work Pornography. Go ahead and check it out. You can thank me later.

Is there a silver lining in your ASS???

I suppose if one were to look for an upside to being home all day, every day, it's that I'm getting a lot done in Paper Mario. And PGR3. And um...well, that's about it, really. I have also been watching a lot of Judge [Insert name here]. So far, my favorite is Judge Alex. I don't know why, but it seems like he's on top of shit when it comes to finding the most fucked up people he can.
Okay, that's a lie. There's this sassy black judge, too, but I think that's Divorce Court or some shit. I'm not really paying attention, most of the time. Sure, it's on, but I'm looking at porn or videos of teenagers smashing their teeth out.
It's a way to survive.

So there's a lot of cool stuff about living here: bodega's, Korean convience/corner stores, living in the best sports town on the East Coast(dare I say the world???), a subway, and the best thing....minivans with rims.
I'm not shitting you. There are Grand Voyagers and Windstars with fucking rims on them, like rims you would see on a riceburner or a really cheap Mercedes. It's really hilarious. I'm going to try and get a picture for you guys, cos you have to see this shit. It's almost like some dude was pissed that he had to get rid of his pimped out pussy-mobile for a kidwagon, but goddammit, he's not giving up the fact that he's so street, people park their goddamn cars on him. So since I have nothing else to say, today, and plus I want to watch some anime, I'm just going to end it with this: I salute you, sir. I salute the fact that you're so pissed about having to drive your kids around in a minivan that you mack that shit out with a set of 17" rims. Myself and every West Coast rapper and the cast of Boyz In Tha Hood salute you, sir.

Children are precious