Quick and to the point(less)

Oh, you goddamned aliens...

Um, right

I still use Myspace, mostly for keeping up with friends that are outside of a phone call or a walk to their house to ask for sugar. And occasionally, it is good for a laugh. For some reason, all of the ad links, I guess you could call them, seem to point me towards Ted Nugent ring tones, asking if I think I'm Ted Nugent(the answer is overwhelmingly "no", although I do wish....), and something to do with 'Smokey and the Bandit'. Huh.
Also, there's the brassy "I'm on tha intarweb and can say bad shit about u and u can do nothing" mentality. Someone left a lovely comment about me being a faggot or something, and then they called me an asshole. I'm pretty sure I make a big mention of me being such on the front of my Myspace, so whatever. But to go out there and say such things, and then make it impossible to contact you back to ask a very simple, "WTF???", well hell, that just reeks of grown-up-ness.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that when confronted with an ad about having Avril Lavigne on my cell phone, I decided that I would rather have the crushing one-two combo of AIDS and herpes on my cell phone than have her on there. Shit, I'd rather have Britney on my cell phone than Avril. Sure, they're both dumb whores, but at least when Britney drinks too much, passes out, then pisses/shits herself, there's going to be more amusement. At least for a couple more hours.

Here I sit....

Well, the television show train chugs along, I'm just taking a break from the writing(to do more writing....what?) to tell you all what you should be doing, listening to, watching, etc., etc....mostly, cos I'm just so much smarter than you all.
Ha. If only. Anyway, here we go....

I've been a fan of Alec Empire and his various releases(Mille Plateaux, Jaguar, Generation Star Wars, ATR, etc.) since I was about 18 and discovered that Atari Teenage Riot was just about the angriest, most pissed off music I'd ever heard. I wasn't aware that it was possible to condense all this rage and anger into a sonic format. Apparently it is. And just like when I listen to hip hop or gangsta rap, or whatever, I start to get all angry. I don't know if it's the sonic noise assault, or just the fact that if someone else is this pissed off about something, I must be as well, simply by listening to the shit that's coming out of my speakers.
Anyway, Alec has moved on from Digital Hardcore, the style and label he helped create, and is going back to electronic roots(last two albums were more or less punk rock with electronic processing), and started a new record label, Eat Your Heart Out. And the music off it, well good goddamn, it's great. I would suggest that a majority of you(read: four) go check it out, but be warned: it's noise, for the most part. Noise with beats. It pisses people off. I went to an ATR show in college, and I ended up leaving with three cracked ribs and a black eye. It was probably the greatest show I ever went to.

Umm...what else, what else....

So Ryan and I hammered out the first episode of the show the other day, which has always been somewhat of a problem for me in writing. Dialog, I can do. Dialog and certain scenarios, or scenes, if you wanna be a dick about it. Plot, I have a problem with. I can get so far, and then I just find myself sitting there going, "Okay, now what??". But Ryan came up with the idea that we should just set up a shell for what we want the episode to be and go from there, whereas I was just writing, and I figured that the ep. would be over when it was over.
The new way of doing things...well, let's say it's way easier. I can more or less hammer out the whole ep. and then we can sit around refining it like it's fucking oil out tha' ground. Yessah. After the writing process, we're going to be looking at "taking some classes" at the local public access channel. I really need to learn non-linear editing, since most of my experience is with linear decks, and those aren't really relevant with digital filming. Also, it's good to just get a little more hands on experience with digital cameras, since I've never really used one before, and we need some experience with boom mic operation and the like. So yeah, $50 for three hours of time, and we'll be all the better for it. Hopefully. It could turn out that we just suck incredibly, which will drive the cost of this pilot up, seeing as how we'll have to hire people to do the shit that we want to do. We're more or less hoping that we can shoot this for the cost of digital tapes, renting a camera and other equipment. Then again, shit in one hand, hope in the other.....

I gotta get back to work. Big announcement coming up, certainly. May be about the show, may not be. But the two of you out there...make sure you check it out.

Oh mc chris...

I'm not really going to talk about mc chris all that much in this post. If you know who he is, super great. If not, well, he was the voice of a character on Sealab 2021 that I named my dog after. Yep, super nerd here.
Anyway, the point is that he's got this song, 'White Kids Love Hip-Hop', see. And one of the verses is:
We drink box wine/And we listen to Weezer
I don't really listen to Weezer all that much. I mean, 'My Name Is Jonas' is pretty rad. And I really like most of 'Pinkerton', but other than that, not really digging on them. But I am digging on the box wine. I mean, c'mon. You're basically stealing this wine. Sure, you pay for it, but goddammit, it's a steal.
For example: cos I am classy, I drink it out of pint glasses. I had five pints of wine last night...or six, I don't know. Either way, enough wine. The best part??? There's still more. A lot more. And I really dig on the wine drunk. I think I'm going to be drinking box wine for awhile now.

And since I'm drunk, here's something that is not going to be funny to about 99.999999999% of the three of you that read this. My boy Collins hooked me up with this DVD, 'Forever Hardcore', which is basically a love song to ECW, the wrestling federation. For a wrestling fan, even a relapsed fan such as myself, it's really interesting. But there's a part in it that reduces me to a fit of laughter everytime.
BACKSTORY
There's this wrestler, New Jack, who did a bunch of dumb shit back in the day. Seriously. Dude would fucking go after people with cheese graters, for fucks' sake. Anyway, he was "fighting" this other dude, Vic Grimes, in a scaffold match, which more or less is the dumbest shit ever. If the tights weren't dumb enough, these two decided that the only way to go higher was to go way up in the air, and then eventually throw a motherfucker off. You can read all about it here.
So New Jack gets legitimately fucked up from this. Brain damage, blah blah blah. What does he do??? Sets up another scaffold match, but this time, even higher. And what's so funny about this is New Jack's recollection of the even. I will attempt to transcribe it as best I can.

New Jack: So we're forty feet up in the air, and I have this 350 volt taser. And I hit the motherfucker four, five times, eight in the neck. And he's all, "Jack, Jack, I can't feel my legs." And I said, "Don't worry Vic. I got you." And then I threw him off the scaffold.

What the fuck??? This cracks me up twofold: 1) He goes from four, to five, and then jumps to eight. That's a lot to take a taser to the neck. 2) Vic Grimes mentions that he cannot feel his legs. New Jack's response?? Do not worry, I have got you. And I am going to toss your ass 40 feet through the air. And then about two minutes later, New Jack basically says that he threw Vic Grimes harder than he should, with the explicit intent to kill him. Yeah. New Jack is hardcore. I'm willing to bet that if you had a gun and shot at him, the bullet would stop a foot away from him and say, "Uh uh, nigga. I ain't fuckin' wit' dat dawg right there. You on yo' own.".

Wrestling is so goddamn awesome. Or rather, it used to be....

Chilling.

I don't know how to make the image any bigger, but basically what you're looking at is Mickey Mouse planning to blow his goddamn head off. Click on the image for a bigger shot of it. The last panel is just fucking brilliant.
Am I wrong?

I also have an image of the contraption he sets up to off himself, plus him jumping off a bridge, and then him trying to use gas to put himself out of his misery. If you wanna see that, let me know and I'll throw it up here.

Nerd alert!

Yeah, I am a giant nerd. Whatev. I spent most of last night drinking and reading Ultimate X-Men, cos a) I really fucking like the Ultimate Marvel line. It's all the kick-assery of comics without 40 years of continuity("Umm...but wasn't Wolverine in Weapon X in the 70's?? Or was it right after WWII??? I'm confused....and why is Spider-Man so weepy about fucking Uncle Ben?!? He can go to the store and get some goddamned more!!"), and they've gone ahead and gotten ride of some of the more retarded aspects of comics. Don't get me wrong, I like a good space opera as much as the next guy, but seriously Chris Claremont, I think you've fucking lost it, bro. This ain't the 80's anymore, and the kids are a little more hep to gayness. Oh yeah, b) I really like X-Men. I'm sorry. They were the first comic that I ever ended up buying, and it was primarily cos this chick I met when I moved to Augsburg, her family had a fucking stack of X-Men comics in the bathroom. I used to pretend to have to take a dump so I could go in there and read comics.
And cut me some slack, I was like, 11. Hormones had yet to take over my brain, so comics were way more important than girls at that point. But I do remember going over there one time to take her her homework(as she was sick), and she did have a t-shirt on with no bra. Ahhh, the first time you ever see pokies....

I'm sure that Anna is all pleased about that, so I'm just going to continue on about what a huge dork I am, reading comics on my computer and drinking 40's. Yeah, who's the man? Obviously not me.

Mark it here, so I can't back down: within three mos. I am going to begin filming, that means actually holding a camera and pretending in front of it, a television pilot that I hope I can get some stupid television exec to give me money to make more of. I'm hoping that it's going to be funny, but then again my sense of humor is skewed and warped. Big time. Someone mentioned putting it on YouTube when it's finished(or is it Youtube??? I don't know, I'm not very hip these days...), but I want to make cash with this. I'm thinking maybe some clips, but not the whole shebang. You want that shit, you're going to have to get cable, cos that's where I want to end up. Cable is like the ghetto of the television system. Seriously. It's where the stuff that's either not good enough or just way too goddamn edgy for broadcast networks goes. The reason I'm shooting for cable is twofold: 1. They're way more lax about what goes on, cos they're basically just looking for programming so they don't have to air 'Seinfeld' or 'Friends' for six hours every day. 2. I really want to say things like "shit", "dickhead", and "asshole" on my television show. I have a dirty filthy mouth and I want all of America to know it. My mother is going to be so proud.
"My son has a television show on some backwater cable channel. It's great."
"What channel?"
"Umm....."
I can picture that conversation now. Her going to the church that she goes to, telling everyone that her son is now a somewhat big deal(a medium deal?? an average deal?????) with his silly little television show, and then refusing to tell people what channel it's on, all because I called Ryan an asshole or a dickfore. My mom is great like that.

But yeah, the show is being written now, and when the current draft is done, we're going to act the whole thing out, see how it rolls. Then we re-write the draft, act that out, and then maybe go for a third one. I don't know, I've never really done anything like this before, and I don't have any training on how to do it, either. I'm just writing what I think is funny and going from there. So hell, maybe if this works out I'm going to be on Jimmy Kimmel or some shit explaining why I think pooping in the trunk of a car is hilarious.

Fucking wow.

Anne Coultier, everyone's favorite dog-faced conservative blowhole has said something totally awesome again.
Basically, she has said that Jews are "imperfect Christians".
Seriously. You can read the whole conversation that she had on some show on Fox News here. And you should go check it out. While you do that, I'm going to go look for pictures of drunk chicks.

Done? You pissed? Good, you should be. Cos the shit that comes out of this woman's mouth every time she opens it is simply mind-blowing. I mean it. She's like the verbal equivalent of a .45 slug to the dome. I'm surprised that there is brain matter and skull chunks all over the back of my wall after reading that. What kills me is that she doesn't see it as anti-semitic. I guess if the Bible said that all black people liked fried chicken, grape soda, and dancing, that wouldn't be racist. Or if the Bible says that all gay men are effeminate fabulous fuck machines, it wouldn't be bigoted. Whatever the Bible says cannot be seen in any hateful light, cos the Bible is all about love.
Except for the parts when god is telling people to kill their first borne son, just to see if he really believes. Personally, I think that's a little fucked up, but that's not what we're here to rap about.
I really think it's great that all these Conservatives rail against how racist and evil the Liberals are, and then they say shit like this. At some point, I am just going to move to another country, like Germany, where they don't pretend that they aren't racist. They let you know outright, "Yeah, we fucking hate the Turks. They're filthy and they're taking all our shit jobs." I think that if you hate someone cos of the imaginary friend they swear allegiance to, or the color of their skin, then you should at least be man enough(that goes for you too, Anne, you dog-faced bitch) to back it up. Don't hide behind a book that was written 2,000 years ago by a bunch of semi-literate cave dwellers.

Jesus Christ, I fucking swear that one I'm old enough, I'm going to run for President and then I'm going to win. And I'm going to detonate every nuke on this goddamn planet to end this once and for all. People say that, "...we can change, we can make things different. All we have to do is stand up and blah blah blah blah". Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit. We're all a bunch of pricks, and there's probably five good people in this whole bastard planet, and I'm willing to bet that three of them are cartoon characters and the other two are retarded. That Corky guy, I'm willing to be that he's awright. But I'm probably wrong about that. He's probably got a taste for hookers and degrading sex. And I bet he does enough cocaine to put down a goddamn whale. But that's just me, and I'm probably wrong.