Did he just fart in space?

More about Mass Effect, cos I like it and it's fucking awesome.

So I recently nuked some planet and left one of my crew behind. I hope that doesn't hinder the ending in some way. It was one of my biotic(read: magic) dudes, the operative word being "dude". See, I'm trying to bang one of two chicks I can bang on the ship, and since I'm not quite sure I want to be nailing blue vag just yet, I'm keeping the other human chick alive. Until I'm sure that I'm not going to get smurf wiener or I know for certain that inside her baby tunnel, a million razor-sharp teeth are not waiting in some inhuman maw.
Seriously, it's a possibility. Her species is genderless. They repopulate in tubes or some shit. They just kinda look female. Which I guess makes the whole species lesbian in nature, but whatever.
So yeah, I nuked the planet. Left a guy behind. And now everyone on the ship is all, "Waaah, the Lt. is dust now. Why didn't you leave me??" Of course, everyone being the human chick I would like to put it in. She just doesn't get that despite having a first name of 'Boner', Cmdr. Sheppard is not gay.

Which reminds me: the whole time this game is going on, there's a chance that my crew is facing the end of all that is. I mean like the whole goddamn universe, everything. It's all gone if I fuck this up. The machine gods(I'm not kidding) are going to come and ruin everything, and I've been running around the goddamn universe like a chicken with my head cut off trying to stop it, and the one thing, the one goddamn thing that I want....is a little comfort. Hell, I'd be happy with a hug right now. I've had to make some hard choices, and these frigid bitches on my ship aren't even giving me a light touch on the shoulder, one of those touches that says, "Hey there, sir. I know that you've had to make some hard choices, and you've got a lot of your shoulders, being the first human SPECTRE and all. You've got the Council on one hand treating you like some retarded child with a pulse rifle, and then you've got the humans on the other telling you to hurry up and save the universe so that the Council will no longer look at us as if you're retarded. Tell you what, come down to this corner of the ship that I'm always in, time doesn't matter cos I'll be here, but you come down here and I'll take off whatever the hell it is that I'm wearing, and I'll let you fire a couple of shots into my blue alien butthole(I'm assuming that she has one, you know, for elimination of waste and farting), cos that what all humans like. Taboo anal sex. With an alien. Then after the experimentation is done, you can go back to your vanilla relationship with that borderline lesbian fighting machine upstairs. Sound good?"
There's a lot of talking in this game. Really.

While we're on the subject of interstellar love in the far future, let's talk about how you can be a chick and romance the other chicks, leading to either some totally hot girl on girl action, or girl on genderless alien with female appearance action. That shit is rad, and I may check that out on future play-through's of the game, as I've heard you get to see the blue chick's side boob. Nice.
But I doubt it. I was never one to play as a chick. Sure, it sounds great and all, but I just can't extend my disbelief far enough for me to believe that: a) chicks are good fighters; b) chicks will be put in charge of super-advanced military technology; or c) chicks will ever save anything other than coupons. I'm sorry, that's just how it is. But I guess...I guess it's a game, and the implausible can happen.
Anyway, so you can play a chick and do the dyke romance. Hot. But what I really, really want is some hot dude on dude action. That would be fucking hilarious. Can you imagine?? Cmdr. Boner Sheppard is up on the bridge, looking at some fucking blinking lights or some shit(cos in the future, that's all you get to stare at on space ships; windows are for cretins), and one of your subordinates comes up there...
-Tough decision you had to make there Cmdr. Do you need to talk about it?
-I knew I'd have to make these decisions when I took on this job. Every soldier does. It's part of the territory. But....but thank you, Lt. It means a lot to me, your offer.
-You know, sir, since you became a SPECTRE, I'm not really a subordinate anymore.(rests hand on shoulder)Unless you want me to be.
(a knowing glance is exchanged....)
And then it's just straight up hardcore gay sex. I'm talking the kind of hardcore gay sex where heads are being smashed into lockers, there's bruises on shoulders from being gripped so hard, and of course someone has to go to the medical bay afterward for butthole stitches, cos something was torn like a goddamn piece of paper. And then the Lt. would be walking funny for the rest of the game, cos you know he'd be the one to get all tore up. Cos let's face it, if you're gay, it's going to be really hard to get people to take you seriously if you want to save the universe, flying around in that fruity little ship of yours.
And it's going to be really, really, really hard to get them to take you seriously if you're sitting on some silly little pillow cos you got your asshole ripped open during some strenuous gay sex with your lieutenant. Sure, it's the future and attitudes have changed regarding homo's, but I doubt they've changed regarding people with three stitches in their balloon knot and a donut pillow on the bridge.