Elliot...Elliot...ELL-E-OTT!!

The last part of that title was me doing E.T. Just in case you didn't know.

Also, in case you couldn't figure it out from the title, this entry is going to be about our boy, Elliott Spitzer. He's a hard drivin' son of a bitch, dedicated to cleaning up corporate malfeasance and making it so your average joe can't go out and pay some random woman $20 for a blow job in the front seat of his Buick Century. This is the same guy that railed against GTA(Grand Theft Auto for those not in the know) for allowing "children to pick up prostitutes, pay them for sex, and then kill them to get their cash back". This is the same guy that said he knows all about wiretaps, but then gets caught by one. The very same motherfucker that admits he knows that banks have to report to the federal government large transactions, especially if they are asked to be broken up into smaller chunks. Oh yeah, he did that one, too.




Check out how fucking Valium'd out his wife looks in that picture. Or maybe she's on the Xanax, I don't know. I find it hard to keep up with all the psychotropic drugs that housewives are dosing themselves with these days. But check her face out. I circled it and then put arrows pointing towards it, in red, so you couldn't miss it.
Doesn't she just look absolutely pickled to be there? I'm willing to bet that she'd rather be anywhere other than there; places such as Hitler's Bunker while the Red Army is advancing, the set of that 2 Girls 1 Cup video, Santa's Workshop during crunch time, and hell...even the fucking Vatican when they were trying to figure out how to explain the whole "Priest diddling kids" thing.
Actually, I bet that last one wasn't that bad. The Vatican has shitloads of cash. Shitloads.

Speaking of which, did you know that they came up with new mortal sins the other day??? The fuckin' Vatican came up with them! I thought only god could do that, but I guess all you need to be is some high ranking Vatican official and you get to decide that drug trafficking is bad.
But really though, do you think that's necessary? Like there's a bunch of drug traffickers that are all of the sudden going to be worried about condemning their souls to eternal torment all because the Vatican said it's bad??? These guys have spent most of the 80's chopping off breasts and hands with machetes without worrying about going to hell. I don't think they're going to start now.
Also: littering and not recycling- totally hell-worthy right now. I used to pride myself on littering. When I was done with something and driving, that shit would go straight out the fucking window, didn't matter what. Soda can, hamburger wrapper, plutonium, it all went out the window. If I wasn't hellbound before, I'm fucking front row center now for the concert to end all concerts.
I just don't see god giving a shit whether or not you decide to throw your gum wrapper on the ground or not as a reason for you to spend all of eternity being sodomized by demons. What if you find the cure for cancer....wait, that would be interfering with god's plan, so I guess that ones out. Hold on, lemme think of something that god doesn't have a problem with...okay. Got it.

So let's say you spend your whole life doing good shit that doesn't interfere with gods' fucked up logic. But let's say that at some point, you're out in nature, doing something and you forget about the ATM receipt that falls out of your pocket. That shit falls on the ground. And we all know that paper is about the third most destructive thing to the environment(first two are Paris Hilton and Uwe Bolls movies). Your ass is doomed to Hell forevers, bro. All cos you didn't hold the environment in the proper reverence that god intended for you to.
But here's the thing: Humanity is pretty much given carte fuckin' blanche to use the planet how they see fit in the Old Testament. I mean, god more or less says, "Yeah, you guys do whatever man. It's all yours." If you doubt me, look it up. I think he says something about all the plants, herbs, and animals as we see fit. If we see fit to use a bunch of plants by paving them the fuck over for a parking lot, isn't that our discretion? God didn't say, "You guys can use this shit, but just run it by me before you do so I can sign off on it."

I don't even know why I bother with all this malarky. I don't believe in god, but unfortunately I have to believe in the assholes that claim to represent his word. They're on fucking CNN for fuck's sake. And I can only deal with the Hilary/Obama cage match for so long. Speaking of Hilary, here's a picture to confuse your boners(those of you that are male):


I mean, how confusing is this?? Your penis is all, "Hey, it's Natalie Portman's nipples and OH MY FUCKING CHRIST IT'S ZOMBIE HILLARY!!! RUN, BITCH!!!". I know that when I'm looking at this, I don't know whether to beat off or weep uncontrollably.